My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Hes not acknowledging your feelings at all - in fact he's doing the opposite, trying to say you are making it a big thing.
Judging by what you've said, it is a big thing for you, and if you don't want to spend your holiday with these people then that's up to you.
Just book a twin room for you and DD and he can stay at the original hotel with his mate
I really hope you can find somewhere for you and DD, and you both get to enjoy your well earned break.

Well this whole problem is entirely of his own making. If he didn't want to shell out the extra cost of moving hotels then maybe he shouldn't have completely changed your holiday without consulting you at all.

It's cheeky beyond belief. And the fact that he's doubling down and trying to make it your fault rather than apologising to you and DD and trying his best to sort it, is making him seem more and more like a massive twat.

Stick to your guns OP. You've done nothing wrong. This is all on him.

He doesn't want to give his friend any awkward explanations, and has decided berating you will be less hassle. If you want your way here, make sure he's wrong about that.

Is there any financial imbalance in your relationship? Your DH seems to feel justified in making all these pronouncements and decisions, makes me wonder if he is harbouring resentment about things.

The men planned this. Knob head friend can't be arsed parenting his own five year old, so he wants a bloke to run off to the bar with while the spare extra women (you, daughter) help to placate his wife and care for his kid.

Your DH is absolutely complicit.

I’m afraid this might very well be true.

If you can’t change the holiday plans, just make it clear to your DH that this isn’t a group holiday.
If you’re sunbathers, go to the beach so harder to find.
If you see them at meal times, wave and smile but don’t sit with them. Be polite but distant.
If they suggest meeting up, and you don’t want to, then say you already have plans.
I know it isn’t easy to ignore people you know are there, but there is nothing wrong with being politely distant. You didn’t book as a group or agree to a group holiday so make the plans for you, your DH and DD and don’t give whatever they may be doing a second thought.
Genuinely, if you can’t change the holiday, then make sure you plan as you would, for whatever you want to do.
If they camp next to you at the pool, take a book & putting your ear phones in is a very good way of not being approachable. When you go for lunch, just go, don’t mention it, treat them like strangers sunbathing next to you.
Polite, but obvious that you don’t intend to be joined at the hip.
If it feels awkward, then that’s on your DH to sort as it’s his friend, and he gave the details out.
I will add to be fair, if his friend didn’t mention booking at the same time and joining you, whilst it’s still massively annoying, it’s not your husbands fault and he’s probably trying to make the best of a strange and awkward situation. Some people (his friend) are just pushy and would just take for granted you’d want them to join you. Only you know your husband and if this is something he’s likely to have planned.

If the friends DCs are shared ones rather than his DGFs, I find it very odd that OP has hardly met the DGF before in all these years.

@AbbeyDown "My husband’s now saying I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it really is." So, he's still not listening to you OP and totally disregarding (not to mention disrespecting!) your feelings on this. Maybe show him this thread - with over 600 replies now and the overwhelming majority (maybe with the exception of two) totally agreeing with you. He's the outlier here, not you, and he needs to understand that there's no lack of reason on your part or your DD's - it's him that's being unreasonable. 🙄

He can get in the sea. He doesn't want to lose face with his friend and is putting this above your and your daughter's happiness.

So he's putting financial as well as emotional pressure on you? This is not a nice man.

Fits well enough with the friend being one OP isn't close to and not having met the partner until now. It's evidently a friendship that the males conduct independently of family, rather than the families socialising together.

@rookiemereIm not lying however hard you find it to believe. My husband is friends with her partner. I’ve never met her child ever and I’ve only met her once for a couple of hours!!

Honestly at this point I’d be very tempted to message the girlfriend. It’s not really the right thing to do, but what they did has caused you a massive issue. They should know the problems they’ve caused by latching on to someone else’s holiday and how beyond the line that was without discussion. As for your husband, he’s really trying to hold on to his ‘lads holiday’ without losing face isn’t he? Just ignore and find a way to change hotel, preferably in the complete opposite direction of these people.

I think the gf is already well aware this isn't right - the fact that she said "sorry for hijacking your holiday" to OP on the only occasion they've met shows this, I think. I can't help thinking the gf has been "bounced" into this by her DP as much as OP has by her DH.

Im not saying the op should, I’m saying I’d be tempted. Either the gf has equally been blindsided and feeling guilty so both could tell their partners what arseholes they’ve been (and hopefully sort it), or she was being flippant and actually is looking at an extra pair of hands for her children whilst ‘boys be boys’. Either way, the other side need it spelt out to them. I’d say the husband tell his friend, but no chance in hell of him being man enough to do that.

He shouldn’t have fucked about with your holiday then should he?

What is the situation with the hotel?

Whatever it costs to change is the price you pay for his stupidity. To claw it back, you will have to cut back on things he enjoys. I absolutely would not be steam rollered on this. Your husband sounds like a bully. He needs to be stood up to.

The hotel will be changed.

He's clearly seeing his plan to go on holiday with his mate backfire.
There is no way someone would go and book the same holiday as a colleague without discussing it first. Your husband wanted to pretend that it was a surprise fir him too, now he's fretting at the thought of telling his mate you're not longer going to be there.

Although I’d bet a tenner the OP’s husband is currently talking to his mate about their little scheme falling apart. ‘Dave she’s not buying this surprise thing at all, she’s trying to change our booking but I think she’s bought it will be too expensive so cross everything plan still on’…

Why not just make the best of it? As others have said you don’t need to hang out or engage with them… just do your own thing! I’m sure the other GF will get the message!

I also wonder whether there is an element of jealousy here… you keep referencing her being younger etc. If you barely know her, I don’t get why it would be any different letting it all hang out in front of her compared to other strangers that you expected to be around when on holiday?

'Ok then, show me the conversation where he just announced he was coming'.

Then scroll back to 5 minutes before it.

Not to say they couldn't have decided in person first I suppose and then him sending the details over. But, you'll see a hesitation in giving you the phone either way. Because he's not sure exactly what he said. And because he's still chatting with his pal about you not buying it xD

I appreciate that the idea of spending more money to fix an unnecessary problem caused by your husband must stick in your throat.

And only you know your financial circumstances.

But I would remind you that there is what? 10 weeks? until the end of GCSEs and all the joy and pleasure in looking forward to your holiday has been demolished by your husband.
Part of the fun of a holiday is the anticipation.
He's ruined that for you.

So what you would be paying out for is the pleasure of the holiday but also enjoying the build up too.

I wouldn't berate you for taking the path of least resistance - only you can weigh it all up. But you deserve a good holiday - I hope you get it.

Fair enough then, if they have been together for over 16 years and you have only met her once or twice, then it’s even more ludicrous that your DH thinks you would enjoy a shared holiday.

What is your financial situation OP? It seems very much as if your DH assumes he has the final say on these matters.

Any additional cost should be recouped from DH gym membership/football season ticket/golf club membership/whatever.

@bettermumthanyou Because the gf isn't a total stranger and there's a chance OP could have to meet with her back home or, at least, her DH's mate. And can you really not imagine how excruciatingly awkward it would be for OP and her DD trying to constantly swerve their company? (Even more so when OP's DH will not be discouraging their involvement and will be constantly telling OP that she's "over-reacting" 🙄). This is not what OP wants for her one relaxing holiday a year - please read her posts and try to understand her PoV.