My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Have you found out yet whether you can swap/cancel/ move hotels without penalty?

Did you have two rooms? One for DD on her own? You could always just rebook one room somewhere else and you and DD go to that one and leave DH with his friend.

I don’t believe him. The ‘you’ll have someone to talk to’ comment really is telling. Because that implies he won’t be there to talk to. He’ll be off with his mate.

This is 100% for him, and not at all for you. Even if he didn’t know, which he absolutely did.

Of course the husband invited them.

He has stated that his friend asked him were and when we were going and asked my husband to send him the hotel details and he did.

He sent them the exact details so they could book the exact holiday. Come on OP.

I told a fellow parent who's a good friend from the kid's school we were taking the little ones to Butlins. In July. That's normal. I didn't even specify which resort.

What I didn't do was tell them they should join us, send them our booking so they could replicate it, then feign surprise when DH asks why the fuck a random dad from school is coming on his holiday, and furthermore tell him to pipe down, he's got a friend now.

😂😂😂

No.

I totally get it, OP. Group holidays are very tricky even with people you get along with very well and you didn't sign up for this! I can see how it would make the whole thing much less relaxing. I'd go with switching hotel, definitely!

Sadly like most on here I don't believe that your husband didn't invite them or at least strongly indicate that they would be welcome to join your holiday. I've read your posts, not so many of others.

So he's lied/backtracked/minimised. The manipulation has been horrid to read. A tough conversation is needed. Why has he done this? Is he bored of family holidays, does he want to go and play golf/drink with a male friend etc?

If you can rearrange the hotel that might be a good idea - for 1 week at least. So 1 week in the same hotel the other in a new place.

I think you need to book another holiday/break for you and DD - I know you said that as a family you can only afford one a year so this needs to be DH's treat - however he pays for it. Overtime, 2nd job, selling assets, cancelling golf/gym memberships etc. He needs to incur the penalty.

I understand totally. I had acne for a year in my early 20s and it completely knocked my confidence. And I get what you mean about your personal space and not wanting to talk to people. Some people - like your husband, it seems - think that everyone is happier with company all the time. Some others are simply happy to be on their own or with close family. I would be tempted to book elsewhere for you and your daughter with any excuse.

@TheLetteyes there is. But it’s for 18 plus and my daughter is 16, will be 17 this year.

@AngryBookwormI couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up thinking about it.

No you are not overreacting in the least.

I agree completely on the performance element to socialising. You are supposed to be relaxing and it isn’t.

I assume you have been with your DH for some time and he should know how you feel by now.

This is on your DH to sort out / reschedule the holiday.

Ok. Time to either book a separate hotel or a completely different holiday.
You can't carry on like this.

This is so upsetting I would hate it too. A family holiday is a completely different holiday to one with work colleagues. Change your hotel or if possible the dates of the holiday. Either way I would get myself out of this situation

Can you book a separate hotel for you and your daughter and leave him to get on with it?

@LadyLapsangI usually like to lie back with my Kindle and get stuck into a book, while my husband relaxes with a few cocktails, dips in the pool, and just unwinds. He’ll occasionally bring a book, but I’m definitely the bigger reader between us. We might go for a stroll now and then, but overall, our holidays are really relaxed. Like I’ve said before, we don’t have young children to run around after anymore, so we really enjoy that slower, peaceful pace when we’re away.

Really feel for you! Many moons ago, before we had dc my greek exdh booked a holiday to Crete. I was really excited (it was the 1980s) but it turned out we were staying with a couple he knew who had a small holiday home there. His friend did everything to exclude me and I felt like a spare limb. Eventually I said I'd be going home unless we found other accommodation. The friend said everywhere was full so I said we'll go home (we lived in mainland Greece). Suddenly he found rooms at a hotel exactly opposite their house. It was still better than living with them but only marginally. I've never been back.

@AbbeyDown On another matter. I don't know much about hormonal acne. I am in my 50's and have a couple of friends - similar age (1 M, 1 F, non-related) with acne scarring; for F caused by a bad reaction to the contraceptive pill in their teens. My F friend had low-dose infill treatment to her face a couple of years ago for the 1st time. I commented that she was looking well and she shared with me. She explained it helped to reduce the acne pitting. Cosmetic procedures often get a bad reputation, but she was thrilled with the result.

I would be absolutely furious OP. I would be changing hotels.

Your DH is a dick, he must have had some idea of what was going to happen when they asked for the name of the hotel and dates!
I'd find it hard work being in the same hotel with family - for 2 weeks!
There's the expectation that you'll do everything together and then you start compromising and feeling resentful.
If you can't change the holiday then I'd make it very clear to your DH that if you say you just want to chill by the pool then that is what you're going to do, don't be talked into going on trips if you don't want to. Invest in some decent headphones, even if you don't actually listen to anything, it gives the impression of 'do not disturb'.
The most chilled 5 yr old still needs a lot of supervision so hopefully the other woman will be running after them, leaving you alone.

That’s what I meant - there is no way this wasn’t planned between the men.

Otherwise the conversation was solely between him and her about going on holiday with total strangers (what you and your daughter are to her) and yet they went ahead and booked? Nobody in their right mind thinks that’s a good idea. It just didn’t happen.

She’s been talked into it by him!

Oh bless you. I do wonder if the gf has also been blindsided by her OH too though. That comment about 'sorry we hijacked' and the pacifying 'kid is chilled' comment sounds like she's embarrassed.

Seriously though, if there's an adult only area, spend your time there.

If that was the case, he would happily just move hotels. If he won’t, it’s because he knows he agreed to it (or suggested it) and so not going through with it is shafting his friend…

Normal people don't ask exactly what hotel you're going to and what dates (I guess they might ask for a recommendation if you'd been and enjoyed it, but not before) and normal people, when asked that question, don't give the full details - unless they're perfectly comfortable with someone inviting themselves on the holiday. Your husband is either colossally stupid (like, I wouldn't trust him with a bank account stupid) or lying to you.

Your husband is a liar.
Absolutely no way he didn't know this wasn't a possibility.
What he wants is more important than you or your daughter after her exams.
You both deserve so much better than this selfish twat.

It doesn’t matter how lovely or ‘chill’ the 5 year old is. Having a child that age around completely changes the dynamic.