My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

He said oh well cancel it then and we will lose £600 on the flights. We cannot afford to lose that sort of money Oh my God, how manipulative is he? He knows you want a holiday and that you can’t afford to just wave goodbye to £600. If you said ‘ok, I’d rather lose the money than go on holiday with your friend’ he’d be outraged.

This weekend just gone was actually the first time I met the girlfriend — and after they told us they’d booked onto our holiday, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for hijacking your holiday… oh, and the little one isn’t a handful — he just chills!” I suspect it was very clear from your reaction that you weren’t happy about it and she felt the need to say something. Not enough of a need to tell her DP and your DH that they’re a pair of massive twats for not checking with you first and they would cancel the booking and rearrange, but enough to try and reassure you that spending time with her five year old would be fun for you 🙄 If you see her again before you go and she mentions ‘highjacking’ again, then say ‘oh it won’t be hijacking, don’t worry. It’s just being in the same place at the same time, we’ll still be on two separate holidays and doing our own thing’.

I hope you’re able to change the hotel. If you can, make it very clear to your DH that he needs to phone his friend, tell him that you’re furious with the pair of them and that holidaying together is completely off the cards. If your DH doesn’t like it, then you and your DD will stay in the new hotel and, seeing as hijacking other people’s family holidays seems to be the done thing now, he can sleep on a lilo in his friend’s room.

If you can’t change, and if there’s any chance of you and DD having the sort of holiday you want, then I think you need to develop nerves of steel and an icy cold demeanour. No shouting, but tell your DH that you are fucking furious with him and with his sneaky little mate. Tell him that it is NOT just about feeling comfortable in your swimwear. It’s about wanting one last family holiday with your DD before she gets too old, wanting to spend some quality time with him, wanting to completely relax and not having to take anyone else into consideration and he has just shat all over that, just because he hasn’t got the courage to stand up to his mate and say ‘no, not this time, it’s just for us. Maybe another time if my wife is up for it’. Tell him you’ve lost a lot of respect for him and thought he was above acting like a 13 year old facing peer pressure for the first time. Tell him how angry you are and the damage he has done to your relationship by treating it as a chance to get drunk with his mate while the women look after the DC. Tell him that you have absolutely zero intention of spending any time with this family at all. You won’t be having meals with them, you won’t be going out for the day with them, you won’t be sitting on the beach with them, you won’t be going out for the evening with them, DD won’t be entertaining their teen and if they want a babysitter, then he’s on his own because you will simply take DD out for the evening. And if they have any expectations to the contrary, then he can tell them that he fucked up, that you’re furious with him, and with his mate, and that you will not be guilt tripped into going along with their sneaky little plan.

And then you have to do it. If you see them sitting by the pool, then big smile, wave, and keep walking to the other side. If you see them at breakfast, then big smile, wave and keep walking to a different table.

Sorry if already mentioned by another poster but is there an adults only pool / area (that your daughter could also attend)? That might be the solution, and also just claim to have a terrible hearing sensitivity to children shrieking, hence the need to be in the adults only area every day.

Don’t be despondent OP, get mad/angry and focus!
Is there another hotel in the same chain you could change to?
Upgrade if possible as a treat for the hassle and as penance for DH.

He should pay any extra costs for breaching your boundaries. A life’s lesson for him.

Stay strong and front it up. Don’t be downtrodden. If you can’t get angry for yourself, do it for your daughter. She needs the space as much as you.

Why should she make excuses and lie in order to enjoy a holiday?!
She shouldn't go to the same hotel. It's not going to work.

The OP can't be at the same hotel. It's just far too awkward and DH then gets to do exactly as he pleases while OP gets the holiday she's dreaded.

I am LIVID. This is something I have literal nightmares about. In your shoes I'd book for a different hotel, just close enough that the flights still made sense, and if asked why, say "I didn't want to go on holiday with anyone else and I've had to pay to make that happen". I'd make my husband pay, either outright or ensuring that whatever financial sacrifice was required impacted him, because he needs to suffer the consequences. He's ruined your holiday.

I suffer from social anxiety and HATE having to make conversation with my partner's friends. There's also this weird assumption that because he's best friends with these people I will be friends with their partners. He doesn't seem to compute that to me the partners are perfectly nice people but basically randoms.

Take a screenshot of @WilfredsPies excellent advice and follow it to the letter. If this ruins or makes awkward future occasions with these people then that sounds like a great consequence for your husband to bear.

Your confidence is an irrelevance here and as pp have pointed he shouldn’t be focusing on it.
The point is that it is very rude and inconsiderate to gate crash someone’s holiday and equally so to invite someone without discussing with the holiday partners first. Don’t let your DH divert the argument onto you being the unreasonable one. I feel so cross for you! I hope you can make the changes that you need.

Maybe we should have a whip-round for a new holiday for OP & DD? So funny if they could all go to the airport at the same time but OP & DD get on a different plane & go somewhere else. Surprise, DH!😂

'oh, and the little one isn’t a handful — he just chills!'

Definitely setting up babysitting, IMO.

OP, don't allow that gaslighting pricknyou married make you feel you are unreasonably.

I would be furious and would not go.
Tell him go.
Do something else with your daughter.
Have a real hard think about staying married to a man who has so little respect for you or your poor daughter.

Those people are chancers.
No one does this except presumptuous twats.
Tell your husband he can go, pay for it completely and you go somewhere else.

You married a moron.

Yep. Red flags.

I don't have social anxiety and I would be livid over this.

Normal people do not do this.
Just the thick as shit ones.
No one I know wants to be landed with people on holidays.
Holidays are special.

Your husband is a twat. Why won't he listen to you? Why the fuck did he give his mate the hotel details?

Just do your own thing with your DD and leave your husband to deal with them.

Sort out nice things you want to do with your daughter, your husband can tag along or spend the time with his mates/babysit the chilled child qw he choses.
Pack some large, very obvious fuckoffdon'tbothermeheadphones.

@Nina1013They are not strangers they men are friends. It’s me and the GF that are strangers.

It's no wonder you feel like this OP. You have every right to put your foot down & do your best to change hotels. To say to you 'I'm sorry to hijack your holiday' is despicable. I hope you manage to sort this out. Stick to what you want which is a carefree holiday with no expectations of you other than to relax.

That's true, she's done nothing wrong at all. It's ok to have boundaries.

But I'd understand if she didn't want to look unreasonable to her husband's friend. It's be horrible to feel like they think she's to blame or awkward or unkind for not wanting to holiday with them (when of course it's not her fault at all!) so saying work wouldn't let them have time off or something similar would avoid that dynamic.

Sounds like hell on earth to me op and I would be the same as you I would be fucking fuming. You have a lovely family holiday booked and everything changes when others tag along, it has happened to me and really was the thing of nightmares. I feel for you I really do.

I totally understand, OP. And thats before your body issues even come up. You want your holidays without any pressure and your husband has activelly ruined it. And keeps downplaying it, gaslighting even.

I'm convinced that the husband's friend didn't just 'decide to come' - how would he even know about the holiday if the husband hadn't been talking about it - they decided it together - OP your husband was the one who said it should be a secret because he KNOWS it was not what you wanted. I bet it was the girlfriend who insisted that she both meet you before the holiday and that the plan was mentioned because she could see what a bad idea it was to spring something like this on another woman at the last minute. She probably doesn't realise quite how bad it is for you because she's been told you love having someone to chat to while lying by the pool.

@MercurialMouseIt really is horrible — people with clear skin often just don’t get it. My dermatologist once asked if I’d ever go to work wearing just mascara, and I said absolutely not. It’s not about vanity — I wish I could just throw on some moisturiser in the morning and head out the door. But the truth is, I’m so self-conscious about my skin that I don’t feel comfortable without makeup.

That’s actually one of the things I love most about being abroad — knowing no one knows me gives me this rare sense of freedom. I can go down to breakfast or spend the whole day by the pool completely makeup-free, and I don’t have to think twice about it. But with company — especially people I barely know — that comfort disappears. I wouldn’t be able to fully relax, simply because of how it makes me feel about myself.

Your DH sent him the details of the hotel. He blatantly knew they were going to book too. I’d rebook somewhere else just for me and DD 🤣 he can babysit the 5 yo and make polite chit chat alone!

My husband swears he didn’t actually invite them. He says his friend just asked for the hotel details and our travel dates, and he gave them the info but didn’t think they were seriously going to book. Apparently, he was just as surprised when they actually went ahead and did it.

Jesus wept.

You actually believe this?

So have you changed the hotel?