My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I'm going to agree with the pp above. Don't make a speech or give the woman a lengthy communication about holiday expectations. It's cringeworthy and so passive aggressive.
Just don't have the same holiday as them. Tell your husband the problem is not your body, it's not your skin, it's the fact that your holiday has been hijacked.
That's all.

These people aren't your friends. I would not do this to a friend of mine.

Option1: Be blunt and tell them your holiday was booked as an escape and as a treat. Tell them you really do not want to be socialising on account of needing to de-stress. Ask that they avoid you completely out of courtesy to you and your DD's wishes and needs. Or they can book to a new hotel.

Option2: Pay the cost difference to transfer to another hotel - it will be worth it in the end.

I'm glad you're seriously thinking of changing hotels.

I hope you manage to change to another nice hotel for you and DD.

Don't tell DH where it is in case he blabs again and they all change. Perhaps tell him that he'll be able to join you and DD provided that he doesn't tell his friends where you are, and provided that he also doesn't kick off about it and lets you have the holiday you originally planned. If he can't absolutely promise that then he stays with his wonderful and entitled friends and their children whilst you and DD go to the other hotel without him.

I'd really be reading him the riot act. This is absolutely NOT OK. Invading your holiday is invading your private and personal space. Only someone completely tone deaf does that, and this does sound premeditated.

I would totally hate this too Op. I would either change hotel or change the dates that Im going for. Could you go 2 weeks later? You could Make up some excuse about not missing a funeral or not getting time off work or something then!

Totally understand OP and you’re not over-reacting at all.

I’m afraid I agree that your H has orchestrated this so he can hang out with his mate and the wives can do the childcare ‘and have someone to talk to’.

It’s way too much of a coincidence that they just happened to book the same dates and flights as you. So the lying by your H is really hurtful, too. He needs to fix it.

Why should she lie? She's the injured party here. She doesn't need to explain herself or excuse herself to anyone.

YANBU. I'm the same as you OP, at home I'm too self conscious to even walk the dog without make up on in case I bump into someone I know. I would be raging right now knowing my 'anonymous' chilled holiday had been hijacked. I'm glad you're looking into other hotels.

This exactly.

my best wishes to you OP. Your DH is way out of line.

She said ‘sorry for hijacking your holiday ‘ ?
well that’s fucking weird too. It’s a pity you didn’t respond ‘ well yes , why are you ?’.

Of course you are furious, I would be. The basic issue here is that you had arranged one kind of holiday, and now you have been told that plans have been changed behind your back and it's going to be a completely different sort of holiday. You had no say in this, and the reasons why you do not like the idea are really beside the point and nobody's business. The point is that you were not consulted.

You have nothing to apologise for, don't get dragged into long explanations about why you're not happy your holiday has been hijacked, you shouldn't have to explain anything (it should be obvious to anyone with a bit of sensitivity).

Personally I would back out of this holiday and try to book your own. Especially as you say your DD just wanted a relaxing rest after exams - with you, not a bunch of strangers tagging along. Your husband has made a big mistake.

Honestly, I’d swop my holiday.

They most definitely have hijacked your holiday and the woman’s blasé comment about that shows she’s not very nice.
Sounds like your husband and he were chatting and he invited them along, maybe so he gets some bloke company while you do the childcare.
I’d be so, so annoyed with how cruel and careless he’s been.

oh wow, gf's statement says a lot. She knows they're budging in on your holiday, and she's positioning the 5 yr old as not being any imposition. ugh.

I say this a lot to friends irl, but, as much as I loved having a 5 yr old, once I was done with that period of time, that was enough. I enjoy having conversations which don't get interrupted every 30 seconds, for a big example. Having to go back to that period of time for a random, non-relative ON MY ONLY HOLIDAY would absolutely set me off.

Honestly, change the hotel. And make it 100% clear that your 'D'H will be babysitting while you go out if they decide to start fishing around for that.

This happened to us but luckily we found out 12 months before.I immediately changed the destination and came up with an excuse why we wanted alternatives.

I would feel the same as you op. I go away once a year and just want quality time with my children. If I chose to go with friends that’s completely different. I would change hotels. Meet up with them occasionally and that would be it.

His friend sounds an idiot.
He's gate crashing your holiday.

Your H should talk to his friend and tell HIM to change his plans.

I would hate this SO much, I wouldn’t be polite about it either.
Tell your husband he can choose which one he likes, but you’re moving hotels or dates.
Then tell the invaders much closer to the time, so they can’t follow you.

Sorry for hijacking your holiday… oh, and the little one isn’t a handful — he just chills!”

to which my reply would be, “well I don’t mind, it’s not like I’ll be seeing much of him as I plan to relax and have plenty of me time and some relaxing with my daughter”

If you can change the hotel with maybe a small admin cost then I would do that. When you get to airport in the other country you can then go SURPRISE! I upgraded us to this hotel! Don’t say beforehand or the flight will be grumpy!

your partner wants his work mate on holiday. They will go and do boy stuff together leaving the girls and toddler alone.

also the friend was too lazy to research his own holiday.

I would stop talking about your body and how you feel about it as those are your issues to deal with. I would focus on the fact that the dynamic has been changed. You don’t want to hang out with a toddler who won’t just chill.

The girlfriend saying the kid is chill to me to me sounds like the kid will be expected to be involved in everything!! Are the children both your husbands friends of just the girlfriend? If he’s step dad he’ll definitely be wanting to escape and take your husband with him! You need to rebook I’m sorry to say. They expect it to be a group and it will end up centred around a child. As you say been there done it. My kids are grown up now too I’d never holiday with a young child again

OP they’ve used your planning and just taken it. They know you’re happy with the hotel and that their kids will be available on those days and just booked it. It sounds like DH’s friend was the driving force. They always think that the wives/girls friends will just get on and it will be great. He’s been incredibly lazy and selfish. I’m glad you’ve at least found out in advance so you can change it.
Wishing you all the best with getting the peace for you and DD.
DH is welcome to entertain them and look after the little one.

I bet your husband colluded on this. While you are lying on a sun bed reading your kindle, what does your husband do?Are the family also booked on the same flights as you? I would either rebook, upgrade some elements, such as speciality restaurants that don’t accept young children, book onto adult themed trips or treats - such as a spa, book a few nights away in a different hotel somewhere else to break up the trip etc.

I have met friends on holiday - say 5 days out of 21, when DC were young and that worked well. Once a colleague of DH and his GF gate crashed our holiday with no notice at all, DH hadn’t even told him exactly where we were staying, he went into a sparsely populated village and asked where the young (at that time!) English couple were staying. I ended up driving them about 200 km to their next destination.

Also: agree with the poster above who said to stop talking about your body. It's absolutely fine to have some insecurities, but they really aren't the crux of this. You don't want to share your holiday; that's sufficient.

I would add: we actually planned a holiday at the same time as our friends, but we stayed at different resorts and it was perfect. I think neither family relished the idea of random popping by/ having to plan every single movement together, and rather wanted the ability to get together on our own terms. Basically we did a few day activities together, and spent every evening together, but left a lot of scope for "oh we'd like to go to this place, no problem if you don't" or whatever.

That was a year ago and we're already talking about doing something like it again. It's really nice having good friends to share some time with on holiday, but you don't want to feel as if it's a requirement. (And I should add, it would not have worked with a 5 yr old in the mix, as all the evenings ran quite late)

@AbbeyDown please report back on whether you are able to change to a different resort/hotel without penalty as you have booked flights and hotel separately. I'm fairly invested that you claw your holiday back.