My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Hell would freeze over before I went on this holiday. I would change the flights or hotel and would certainly not let them know about it.

I definitely think that at least your DHs friend has planned this so they can out & have some 'boys' nights and you will be company (& childcare) for his 2 DC. Hes hoping that you will entertain his wife too so she cant get mad that hes gone off and left her to deal with their kids "I didnt leave you on your own, AbbeyDown was there with you, she can help you supervise the kids in the pool etc so I can catch up with my friend etc'.

If I was being charitable I would say your DH isnt in on this, but he very much might be.

This is a hill I would die on - I wouldnt be going on this holiday at all

@AbbeyDownpersonally if he is her Step Dad I think a girls holiday would be a better option for DD than a holiday with Step Dad and his random mate & new girlfriend. Can you amend your flights & go somewhere else?

You are absolutely not BU and your DH is trying to guilt trip you over the flights. Either you call his bluff and cancel or you could keep the flights but head for a different hotel, preferably a long taxi ride in the other direction. Try to think positively about the opportunity. I know you’ve said this is a place you know well but you might enjoy the change this year.

He obviously thinks you will be minding the girlfriend and DC while he and his friend go off drinking. You need to make it clear that if you do go on this holiday that you will be moving as a family unit at all times, there will be no boys time on this trip.

I don’t think he’s innocent in this, he gave them specific details of the holiday which enabled them to book.

I’d be upset too.

I’d be so upset for me holidays are a respite I don’t want any reminders of home. I’d let your dh rentetain them and you and dd do your own thing. Find a quiet out of the way spot for sun bathing, they will need to be near pool to keep an eye on little one. Do your own things on an evening etc let your dh explain manage it. Just make your labs with dd and no one else. It’s not ideal but it’s the only way. Also crappy of your dh to dismiss your feelings like they are unimportant

Plans not labs!

YANBU at all! I would be really upset about this… I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say you are totally valid in how you are feeling ❤️
And what a bloody weird thing for your husband’s friends to do!!

Please ignore people telling you to go, and give a speech about how you aren’t available to talk to them, and people who tell you to go, put headphones on etc.

Unless you want to spend a lot of money on a totally disastrous holiday - either go on what is very clearly now a group holiday and embrace it, or change your hotel entirely.

If you do any of the suggestions, you and your husband will be at best at loggerheads the whole holiday because it’s rude, it’s passive aggressive and it’s just downright mean. And they’re his friends. You have no idea what led to them booking but I strongly suspect the partner believes you’re as up for it as your husband appears to be! I very, very, very much doubt she’s booked a holiday thinking this is your worst nightmare. So please don’t be rude or unkind to her, or the children - just don’t go.

This isn’t the holiday you signed up for, you’re in a really awful position where your only real option is to move hotels (or throw yourself into the group holiday). You can’t go and just do your own thing with your daughter because that isn’t the holiday you planned and you’ll be furious with your husband (and rightly so!) for disappearing off drinking with his mate. But a week of tension (through absolutely no fault of your own) is not a holiday. And the chances of you coming back with your marriage intact are slim to none. Don’t have that situation stuck in a single hotel room with your teenage daughter there.

For clarity, I am 100% on your side with this and I’m furious for you, because you have no easy way out. It’s entirely your husband’s fault.

If you go on the holiday, it’s going to be a disaster. He’s not going to ignore his friend and so you’ll spend it alone and furious. Or, as you say, spend it centred round a 5 year old.

This.

And while I’m not letting the DH off the hook - as a step dad, does he actually have any experience of 5year olds? As in has he parented his own children?

I’d be seriously tempted to book another hotel with just you and DD OP and let your not so D H find out exactly what a holiday with a 5 year old involves.

This is good advice honestly. You don’t sound like the kind of person who would be able to make another family feel awkward to make a point to your DH.

Either change it, or accept the holiday for what it will be.

Who is suggesting being rude, passive aggressive or mean ?

" I'm off to sunbathe/ swim/ use the spa "
She doesn't know them, she hasn't arranged a holiday with them, she isn't responsible for them or their feelings
Honestly this crap is why women get lumbered with other people's kids all the time.
A cold day in hell before I would spend MY holiday with someone else's 5 year old -No!

Thanks so much to everyone who’s replied — I really appreciate the different perspectives, but I’m still feeling completely thrown by all of this.

I’m now looking into whether I can change hotels. I know people keep saying “just ignore them,” but how realistic is that when we’ll be sat around the same pool for nearly two weeks? It’s not like I can mentally switch off when we’re in close proximity the whole time — and more to the point, I don’t want to be spending my holiday actively avoiding people. This wasn’t the plan. I feel like I’m having to do damage control on something I never even agreed to.

This weekend just gone was actually the first time I met the girlfriend — and after they told us they’d booked onto our holiday, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for hijacking your holiday… oh, and the little one isn’t a handful — he just chills!”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that. It just made everything feel even more awkward, like they know this is overstepping but are trying to play it off casually. I can’t help but feel really uncomfortable, and honestly, I’m fuming with my DH. He can’t seem to understand that this isn’t about jealousy or someone else’s body — it’s about my personal space and comfort being completely disregarded.

This trip was meant to be a quiet celebration for our daughter after a stressful exam year — and a break for me, too. I don’t want to play host, share my downtime with people I don’t know, or pretend I’m fine with it when I’m not.

It just feels like a total mess now, and I’m gutted.

Change the hotel if you can and DONT tell 'D'H

If you can't change the hotel, tell them how pissed off you are at them and how rude they are to impose themselves on you, that should be enough for them to give you a wide birth when you're there.

Women are cultured to 'play nice' for everyone else's benefit except our own.

Be ok with the fact you 'D'H will be annoyed, he's not bothered that you are, so why should you be bothered if he is?

You’re right, it is a total mess, and it’s DH fault.

Definitely do all you can to change the hotel. Tell DH you have changed it, but you aren’t telling him the name of the new one because he can’t be trusted. And anyway, it will be a nice surprise!

I would go nuclear over this. If you can’t change the hotel, I would use credit card to book a hotel in a different resort for just you and DD.

Change hotel, they didn’t have the decency to check with you before booking the holiday to see if it’s what iou wanted so why worry about offending them? The girlfriend seems to think you will be spending time together, sounds like a potential nightmare.

Change your hotel and leave your DH to explain why. Sorry but no way should you and your DD have to share your holiday with strangers. Who even does this?

Is DD your DH's

Very obvious the best friends girlfriend was in on it.

Begs the question why your DH needed their presence so much

I really feel for you OP. This is salvageable if you can find another hotel, and I agree that maybe you should keep the details from your DH “as a surprise”. Would your DD like to help choose one?

Well this just confirms they expect it to be a shared holiday, at least in a social sense. Good luck changing the hotel, as for your husband I’d just telling him straight that it doesn’t matter how he tries to dress it up, what he and his friends have done is completely crossing boundaries and utterly thoughtless when it comes to you and your daughter. Under no circumstances will you be hanging around them for 10 days, so it’s either tell them how they’ve crossed a line, book a new hotel or you won’t be going at all.

It’s very selfish of your DH. You and your DD want a quiet holiday, he clearly doesn’t so has gone behind your back, inviting his friend - he doesn’t care that you and your DD then won’t be able to relax as much. I agree that you should change hotel as he’s put you in such an awkward situation.

Definitely try and change hotels. Either don't tell him or emphasise that this is your precious only holiday and a big deal for your daughter. If he wants a lads' holiday, he can work overtime and have one another time!

Ahhh you’re really going to need to find your voice with this. If your husband won’t say something then you’ll have to (if you want to enjoy your holiday as you were planning). I’d call the friend up myself, tell him after having some time to digest, because you were really quite stunned with their surprise, you and your daughter are unhappy, and you just want to be clear up front that as a family you’ll be doing your own thing and not spending any time together. You’re going to need to be that blunt. With your husband too! Hopefully they’ll take the hint and change their hol. Or if you really can’t face that, change yours. Don’t let it be ruined.

The girlfriend's statement is very strange. It sounded like she was in on it or at least agreed to it, but why would anyone agree to go on holiday with near-strangers? Perhaps she has been promised a 16 year old babysitter.

The more I think about this, the less it makes sense.

People just don’t randomly book onto the holidays of someone they barely know…it just doesn’t happen. I think it’s far more likely that your husband hasn’t been keen on the holiday (too long, not enough to do, too much ‘girl time’, wanting another man around to socialise with?) and this is the solution him and his friend have come up with. Then the girlfriend has been ‘sold’ the idea.

My husband misses many a social cue and walks round in his own world half the time and even he would be aware that if someone asked him our exact holiday dates, they were considering coming. And he would discuss that with me, because it’s not a small deal. He definitely wouldn’t just give them the dates and hotel and then be surprised that they announced they were joining us.

I think you’re not being told even the half of this story!

Change hotels. It’s the only solution.

I agree with you entirely on this. I would be absolutely furious. You are also right that you need to find a different hotel because it will be impossible to avoid them, and any placatory, 'Just avoid them' bullshit from your husband or anyone else will be just that: bullshit. It's impossible to avoid people in a hotel that have latched onto you like a heat-seeking missile and this family did it before you even got there. I also don't really believe your husband when he says that he didn't know. I think he's backpedalling. He sounds a lot like my husband: "Well you made small talk with that one person once YOU'LL LOVE IT!"

It is a mess, but messes sort. You don't have to tell the couple why you've moved hotel. Make something up about the holiday company messing up or unavoidable work being done in that room or ANYTHING then both of you hold the line. It's the least your husband can do.