My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Check the practical options you have right now - check the financial coat to cancel and rebook, to switch to a different hotel, etc.

Do this yourself and don’t rely on DH to do it.

If the financial penalty is too great then I would do the following.

Tell DH that you and DD be socializing with this other family AT ALL. No meals, no pool side, no drinks in the bar and no trips.

then contact the girlfriend - and tell her how sorry you are but you think there’s been a mix up by your DH and her boyfriend who seem to have planned to meet up on holiday - tell her that you have already made plans to keep this a quiet family only holiday for DD and you won’t be socializing on this trip.

Then when you are away just remove yourselves from any situation that doesn’t meet your preferences.

I would make alternative plans if possible. If not I would not be engaging in 'get togethers' whilst there. I'd be going off on trips without telling them and out for meals and drinks also

I would just ignore them. I know it’s not pleasant behaviour but there you go. I’d say good morning and smile and then just block them out for the day. Who cares whether they like you

I think you are overreacting.

You don't have to sit with these people. If they sit with you on the sun beds you don't have to talk to them. If your DH wants to talk to his mate, fine but he's on holiday with you and he just sets a boundary with his mate that he's spending the afternoon with you and your DD.

You can kindly and politely set out your stall at the start of the holiday. Say you don't mean to be rude but have come on holiday for peace and quiet and time together as a family and won't be hanging out with them. Your DH might want to but then he needs to talk to you now and agree what is reasonable as he might be OK to go out with his mate one night.

I've been on holiday with people I know many a time and there's no need to spend time together constantly.

YANBU I’d be furious. And why should you change your hotel. I would contact the other wife and explain to her, as a mum I’d hope she would understand your intentions for a quiet, family holiday. It would give the other family the option to change their hotel.

Could you ask if the hotel has a sister or partner hotel you can be moved to?

I'd be tempted to say 'well seen as it's a free for all, I've invited my parents'.

It's really unrealistic to think there won't be at least one or two times when the other couple will invite them to do stuff. Heaven forbid but the daughter might even end up as a babysitter.

‘Someone to talk to’ . Is he suggesting you will not be talking to your daughter and husband on your family holiday?
sounds like he is just a bit thoughtless and patronising at best (you girls can chat around the pool) and at worst selfish and duplicitous having planned this joint holiday with them without considering your family’s needs and preferences

If you read the OP's follow ups, her DD doesn't want the other people there either.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, especially about the girlfriend maybe not being thrilled either. That part hadn’t even occurred to me, but it makes total sense. I agree, it does change the whole vibe, especially if you’re someone who just wants to relax and not feel “on” all the time. And yes, anonymity was a big part of what I was looking forward to, so losing that feels like such a blow.
Also love your point about this potentially being the last proper family holiday with a teen, it’s such a key moment. I don’t think my husband has fully thought through how important that is, or how different it feels now. Saving face might be part of it. I’ll be thinking about all this when I talk to him again.

Your DH is an idiot. I imagine he thinks him and bestie will be downing cervesas together while the ladies sort the kiddies.

If you can’t afford to pull the plug, I would make it clear to him that you and DD want your own space and will be doing your own thing, so the other woman (you know what I mean) and kids should make their own plans.

So can you change the hotel for free or not. Sounds like it since you said you’ll lose £600 on flights.

Just change the hotel 🤷🏽‍♀️

@AbbeyDown just change it and then surprise him lol

see how he feels about it

Think you might have had a name change boo boo. Just letting you know in case it’s outing.

Can you move your booking or book a different hotel?

Your DH is being obtuse because if he said he understood he'd have to fix it. It's in HIS best interests to get you to go along with it. Make it in his best interests to keep YOU happy and not his friend. He knew it was going to be a problem but he still sent the hotel details.

What a mess. He's mega fucked up.

Your DH is an absolute twat and I agree with you completely OP. I know you’ve made it very clear to him now but I would go one step and make it very obvious that you will not be spending lots of time with them, and you’ll be limiting any sort of social interaction with them to a couple of times. Does the hotel have more than one pool? Hopefully there’s a kids pool that they’ll be going to for the five year-old. I’d also book some mother and daughter time, maybe do some fun things together without your DH. Or can you change your hotel, perhaps?

Big ass headphones op. Stick them on, pull kindle out and ignore everyone.

No, she's not overreacting one bit. It completely changes the vibe of the holiday. How on earth do you sit adjacent on sunbeds all day and ignore them? Ridiculous. How the hell would you relax like that? That's such a stupid idea, and it wouldn't work. With a 5 year old running round too? Really??!

It was a very sneaky thing for her H to do. He knew damn well you wouldn't want this OP so he conspired with his mate behind your back. I always thought a "surprise" would be something you would enjoy!

I would be fuming, Your husband knew what was happening, he's wanted his mate there to go on the piss with and mates GF can keep you company while they are off having fun leaving you with the kid!
Once husband got home from work tonight i would sit him down and tell him, 1. He's an ah for telling friends where and when your away, 2. DD will not be entertaining either child as she wants to destress from exams and her mental health comes above his friends, 3. You will not be engaging with any of them, if you come across as rude so be it as its all on him, 4. That you will be telling them that you had this planned as a holiday to reconnect as a family and to re charge all your batteries and will not be sociallising with them at all. 5 . That if he wants to spend time with them while he's away he can do but do not expect you to do so and next year there will be no family holiday you'll just go with your DD. I will never share my holiday with friends or family, thats specifically me/couple/me, DH, DS's time.

By bringing up your skin issues, you are focusing the argument on the wrong problem. Your DH is a dick. No one wants to share their holiday with people they didn't plan to.

I've been on holidays with friends. They can be hard work as, even with the best intentions, you have to accommodate people to an extent, make small talk on a morning you really didn't want to etc.

I'd go on the holiday but make it clear you will absolutely not socialise and will not go further than a polite good morning at the pool. You are not interested in a joint holiday, period.

@CosyLemur I think you may have misunderstood the OP.
At no point has she said that she wanted to stop other people going to the same hotel as her. What she and her daughter want is a chilled out family holiday, passing the time of day occasionally with strangers, but mainly just keeping herself to herself, and interacting with her close family. What she doesn’t want is a big social group holiday with another family.
Hopefully that makes it clearer for you.

He has no right to tell you how you should feel about your own body. If you don't want to cancel and lose the money, tell him that you will go on the holiday but you will not be socialising with this family, you will lie on a sunbed and read, you don't want anyone to talk to, and your daughter will not be bullied or guilt tripped into spending time with that family's teenager. He will not be allowed to tell you that you are being rude and that you are embarrassing him.

You are a trillion percent not being unreasonable

I am introvert and this would be a nightmare situation for me .

I've seen variations of this scenario so many times on Mumsnet - usually family but sometimes friends (including friends of friends) or colleagues, blithely inviting themselves on to other people's holidays. I find it quite astonishing!

Oh OP! I'd be absolutely FUMING if I were you. That's so bloody rude to just invite yourself on someone else's trip without asking!
I'd just send them a message (cc your DH) to say you have had a very tiring/busy year and were really looking forward to some total peace and quiet with your daughter, without having to interact with anyone on your holiday, so hopefully they won't be too offended if you don't socialise AT ALL.
Then just ignore them. Do your own thing. If they look surprised or offended, just repeat "Oh? I'm sure I did SAY I wasn't going to be up for socialising."
They've bought this on themselves.