My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I’d be absolutely furious and I’d hazard a guess that your DH knew this is what the friend was planning.
You don’t want to socialise with this other family and neither does your DD and yet your DH thinks you are the problem and it’ll be fine! Bang out of order

I completely understand why you are so upset. I would just tell them that you have no intention of socialising with them while on your family holiday and you think it's rude of them to gatecrash. With any luck they will be hugely offended and fall out with you so you won't even have to bother avoiding them. Is it a big enough hotel to have different pools to escape to?

You’re not being unreasonable. That was really rude of them and I’d ignore them all, including the belittling husband and enjoy the holiday with my daughter if I was you

You're not being unreasonable with how you feel.
However, if you don't want / cant afford to cancel, you need to reframe it.
Don't be afraid to speak up and say you don't want to do whatever it is that's being suggested.
More importantly, use it as fabulous time with your daughter. As you've said, this is probably the last holiday she will want to join you on!!

Doe she hotel have a sister hotel they might transfer one of the bookings to? Preferably dh's friend.

Book a new hotel just for you and DD. Sod him. It doesn’t matter if the GF and her 5 year old are delightful, you don’t know them and you don’t want to spend your holiday with them.
You’ve done your time parenting a 5 year old. You don’t need to do it again.

sounds horrendous! Your DD will be expected to hang and the older daughter and to play with/look after the 5 yr old.

Your DH friend has sorted out the childcare for his holiday! Think you are DD need to make yourselves busy whenever DH friends appear

YANBU, I would be furious.

Is there a quiet section in the hotel, kid free pool or the like that you and your daughter can camp out at? Maybe invest in a lovely floaty kaftan, wide brimmed hat (maybe help you feel mor comfortable) and plug into music and kindle.

Is it worth saying to the couple this is your chill week for reading by the pool etc and spending quality time with daughter. Set the tone before you go.

Your husband sounds like he’s thinking of his needs and not really trying to see your point or meet your needs.

x

It's also very unfair on the younger child as his sister would probably end up knocking around with your daughter, leaving him with nobody to play with. I'm really surprised the guy's girlfriend wanted to go away with you all - she must know that the two men would have plans to disappear and leave childcare to the women.

That’s a bit mean.
Hopefully Op will be able to assert herself and enjoy the holiday if her choosing

@AbbeyDown How utterly infuriating that he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I would be furious.
Is there any way you can change the week you are going away? So it isn't cancelled but just altered? Less money to lose?

I'd totally NOT want to go on holiday with people I don't know and hadn't chosen.
Does the hotel only have one pool? Would you be able to sit away from them if they are by the child pool.

Is there any way you can tell this other family that you don't want to go on holiday with them. You were looking forwards to alone time and don't want to change your dynamic - no matter HOW MUCH they say they can only meet for x or a drink or Y (of bloody babysitting like you said)

I think you need to stop talking about body image and just make it quite clear that you and DD do not want to share your holiday with anyone else, particularly people you don't know well, and with young DC.

A holiday is supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable, so he needs to fix this somehow.

Your husband KNEW you wouldn't agree, which is why he didn't tell you in advance. He knew because of what happened when you went on holiday with your family.

This just isn't acceptable.

I'd find another place for just you and your daughter to stay and tell him he can stay at the hotel with his friends. You and your daughter will go elsewhere and enjoy your time together.

He said oh well cancel it then and we will lose £600 on the flights. We cannot afford to lose that sort of money.

So you can cancel the hotel and not lose money? In that case just change hotels. He can still meet up with his friend one day and you still get to go on holiday.

I think it's gonna be too awkward to just 'avoid' them and make other plans. I think you need to move hotels. If nothing else you will be making your point that way. I would absolutely die if I had to spend my whole holiday creeping around on the likely chance you will bump into them. For all you know, the other woman could already be making plans for you all. If I had a daughter I'd be taking her for much needed down time, tell them she is just out of a very stressful time and just needs alone time with her mum. Stick to your guns or this could very well be a pattern for future holidays. I am very introverted and really don't see the need for more than a few people on a holiday. I know someone who goes on holiday in a group of at least 20 and they ALWAYS end up in some sort of drama.

I wouldn’t go if things can’t be moved/adjusted. If it was me I would look at options to alter the booking, by moving it to a week earlier/later, or going to a different hotel. No way would I be spending my holiday with a random 5 yo that I’ve never even met

This, this and this again.

Check if you can change the flights without cancelling. It may cost you but bet it won't be 600. He's saying that to put you off.

It sounds like your husband actually invited them along without asking you and now he's trying to get out of it by playing stupid in more than one way. Acting like he doesn't have any control over if they come or not and acting like he just doesn't understand that you actually have rights in your relationship too.

I think you should put your foot down. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to message this guy and tell him that your vacation is family time you've all been looking forward to so he hopes guy understands that you won't be available for socializing after all.

Be sure the message is actually going to its intended recipient because your husband sounds quite slippery. If he won't send this very clear message, tell him you'll do it. Then do it.

I also recommend marriage counseling because it seems there's a lot of "gaslighting" going on here. Good luck!

Yep change hotel and make it clear DHs ‘friend’ and family are not welcome for a day round your pool! As a PP said one evening perhaps meet for dinner but tbh if you didnt and they thought you rude I wouldn’t give a monkeys - they’re the CF for piling in on your holiday! As for your DH - is he usually this insensitive/thoughtless? Deal with him after the holiday. Hope you’ve told him that DD is also upset as this is not the holiday that was planned.

@AbbeyDown Can you not just book a different hotel in a different resort accessible from the same airport?

And is your DD happy wearing her swimming costume etc in the company of this random man. Many 16 year olds wouldn’t be.

Exactly this.

The ' surprise' was so you couldn't object to it.

The men obviously think they have been genius's making this arrangement so they aren't stuck with their kids and get bladdered with no responsibilities. Problem is, a mans arrogance rarely comes with matching intelligence so their plan is completely transparent.

At least the friend appears to be having slight misgivings, forgoing the stupidity of the ' surprise', but unfortunately your DH has not only doubled down, he's quadrupled down and is now showing what a selfish, uncaring piece of work he his.

I doubt that this is the first time such selfishness has surfaced? I wonder what other little 'surprises' he has treated you to over the years.

@CosyLemur

did you actually read the post? You know the one where dh admits sending the hotel details and dates? To a ‘friend’ who asked for them.

it’s obvious it’s deliberate and not a coincidence