My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Try and enjoy the holiday op, meet up with them but also do your own thing too. It might be more fun than you think!

I totally understand why you feel as you do, I would hate this. Your dh attitude is unsympathetic to say the least, I think you have two options. One is to cancel and lose the cash or rebook a different hotel but you would probably still have to see them. The other is to remind you husband that the aim of the trip is to spend time with dd and you will go but that is what you will be concentrating on. You need to decide your priorities and make sure your husband know and acknowledges them. So no assumption that you will eat together regularly but maybe arrange one lunch out together, no childcare at all, no automatic making plans together. Be like a teenager, earphones on, eyes on phone or kindle and grunt brief replies. Maybe see if there are a few things you can book you and your dd into, pottery day, cooking etc, ideally ones with very few places left.
You might need to be quite blunt in advance or at the airport. Say how odd it is that you are staying at the same place, that this is a special holiday for you, that you also really need the down time, you are sure they will understand you not socialising but let’s meet for dinner one evening. Get a t-shirt printed with ‘I want to be alone’.

Sounds like the fellas have probably stitched you both up! I’d play it by ear, she might not want to be in your pocket either with any luck.

You can always say to her (DH’s friends girlfriend) you’re not being rude but this had already been booked as a relaxed break so you and daughter could relax together as one last family holiday.

Jesus, there's always one who hasn't understood the OP's posts or wilfully and perversely decides not to. 🙄
You grow up - and learn some comprehension skills while you're at it

Tell him that you and your DD will be doing your own thing, eating away from these people, going on any trips without them. It is his choice whether he chooses to spend his holiday with you and your DD or with his friend. And your choice what you do about that. YANBU at all. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking that YABU. Most people would take issue with this arrangement.

I know just how you feel. If you've booked a family holiday, then that's what you want and that's what you are expecting. If you'd wanted a group holiday you would have organised a group holiday.

We had DBIL suggesting we all go on a big family holiday a couple of years back. His girls were about 5 and 7 at the time. My sons were 15 and 17. I mean, really! As if we are going to be wanting the same type of holiday being at two totally different stages of our lives. It would have just been DH and his brother hanging out all the time doing their own thing and I would have been part of the "responsible adult" crew. There is nothing wrong with DBIL's family, I do like them, but no, once you're through the young children stage there's not a cat in hell's chance I want to be doing those type of holidays again.

I would suggest to your DH that you switch your accommodation if it doesn't cost too much. If he doesn't want to, then I'd honeslty just switch it for DD and me. Have a nice girlie time together and let him go and be with the little kids.

So what is your action plan Op?

Can you change the hotel or dates without having to pay much?

Ah this sounds hideous OP. I’d be fuming. As above either move hotel or cancel. Ask DH to pay you back for the cancellation monies lost so you can have a break with your daughter.

If your husband didn't know, it's not his fault. It's really weird of the friends to book onto the same holiday. I would be trying everything possible to change hotels or dates. But even if you do end up at the same place at the same time, you don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to. If they suggest it, repeatedly tell them that you've come away to spend time with YOUR family. It wouldn't be rude to do so.

And tell your DP not to be so open with your holiday plans in future.

Is there scope to amend the hotel booking? Not cancel it all together but do 2 different hotels over the course of your stay so that you get some time alone and different experiences?

This would upset me massively. I’d rather lose the £600 than pay to spend days with people I don’t know well. In fact, even if I knew them well I don’t want to go travelling in a group, and especially not with a 5year old. If my DH expected me to do this it would seriously damage our relationship.

If you and your daughter just want to relax around the pool that's quite easy ... take headphones (they don't have to be plugged into anything) and books. If anyone talks to you look as though they have just wokeyou up!

Perhaps the other girl may become good friends with your daughter.

Otherwise act as though you and your daughter are on holiday alone together and let the others get on with it. You may have a brilliant time with your daughter as you don't have to consider your H at all! My daughter has been for a few days holidays with her daughter just the two of them, and they have had a marvellous time.

Maybe the other woman and her kids have been stitched up too and she dreads the thought of spending time with you OP. She may want to do her own thing and so you will be fine

Edited for clarity

Just tell your husband that you are still doing your own thing and he can entertain them,.
ignore them and try to have a good time

This is your DD's celebration as well as your relaxation. Get a refund on hotel, use the flights and book somewhere else. It may be a risk staying somewhere different but you also may love the new place - and it'll be worth it!

The main question here is whether your husband is an arsehole or an idiot.

He's either done this deliberately, knowing you wouldn't like it, in which case he is an arsehole. Or he honestly thought it would be fine, in which case he is an idiot.

The way he deals with it will tell you which. If he makes every effort now to resolve it by changing anything that can be changed, he's just an idiot. If he keeps saying it's fine and there's no problem, he's an arsehole.

Oh, and it really has little to do with your body consciousness, and I wouldn't make it about that as it just gives him the out of repeatedly telling you you look great. The overwhelming majority of people wouldn't want a lot of people they hardly know foisted on them on their family holiday, completely regardless of that.

Frankly, it would make no difference if you were the most stunning and body confident woman around, Op. The fact is you don’t want people crashing your family holiday. The dynamic will be completely different, and that isn’t what you paid all that money for. Go off and enjoy your holiday your way, with your DD. DH can gatecrash their holiday instead and explain why.

Is DH normally such an ass or is he just particularly defensive because he’s a bit embarrassed that his friend has done this and doesn’t want to rock the boat by giving them a firm “no”?

Your husband is a dick.

I am so glad my husband would never do this.

If absolute worst case you have to go as you can’t afford to change the hotel or flights, you have exactly the kind of holiday you planned with no shame.

They fancy meeting for dinner? Okay, you want to try the tapas place down the road, we will book for 8.30pm, that’s when it starts livening up as the locals are starting to come out. Too late for 5 year old? She doesn’t like the food? Too bad, so sad, perhaps we will see you later then.

Sorry, we’re off to the beach today. No, we’re sitting round the adults pool today, DD and I want to relax and read our books in peace. You want a boys afternoon at the bar? Sorry, we are off on an excursion/ having a Turkish bath, poor GF will be alone with 5yo, shouldn’t her partner stay with her anyway.

Have lie ins, eat in the adults section, go on trips, treat DD to a mimosa at the pool bar with you. Treat them like you do your neighbours - be polite, have a chat when you bump into them then go off and do your own thing. If you feel like being friendly have a drink with them one evening. Teach your daughter you can be polite without being a pushover.

Wear big opaque sunglasses and headphones, always have a book on you.

You'll have someone to talk to? Where does he plan to be then? Presumably with the friend that "he didn't know was coming"?

I would be changing location tbh

This @AbbeyDown

You don’t have to change the flights, but I’d be looking to see if you CAN move hotels.

If you like chilling round the pool, having nice relaxing meals etc… you simply won’t be able to do that in peace with young kids.
And clearly your H and his mate will piss off and leave you with a woman you’ve only met once.
Seriously, fuck that.
As you said, it’s your ONE holiday.
So take control back and change hotels. Then if you want to be polite you can arrange to meet them one evening for dinner. Boom.

And, while I’m at it, they were going to ‘surprise you.’ Surprises are meant to be nice FFS…

Suggestion. Without telling anyone else, change your hotel. And you can just ‘surprise’ your husband et al, when you touch down at the holiday airport!!!