My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I might have missed some messages because from what OP wrote it doesn’t sound like her husband planned the whole thing, just discussed holiday plans as we all do. Not his fault that his friend booked it as well (the friend is a CF, this I agree with!). Why is everybody so sure he has this master plan of having OP do childcare for the 5yo?
I’m an introvert, I would be stressed out and annoyed in OP’s situation. But realistically I wouldn’t cancel my holiday or tell friends to cancel their booking or tell them I won’t spend any time with them. I would privately agree with DH on how we would play things (for ex asking that he doesn’t take off with his friend leaving me alone, letting him know that I wasn’t going to supervise the 5yo, etc) but I wouldn’t be pad at him!

If they were just looking for a hotel recommendation why would they need to know the dates you were going?
This does seem like a bit of a set up between your husband and the other couple. Are they likely to disappear off to play golf, tennis or whatever and leave you with the kids?
I'd be very unhappy about this - it's not what you had planned and were looking forward to. All very underhand.

As suggested umpteen times earlier can you change hotel?

Just make it clear to your husband that you can’t afford to change the flights but that this holiday you won’t be spending time with the other family, at a push you may do one evening meal only but most of the time you will be with your DD at the beach whatever and won’t be inviting the other family. If your husband wants to spend time with them he can but you won’t be- I think if you stick to this they will never do it again x

So do that then
My response would be ok that's nice have fun with them
I will be reading my books the pool ta ra!

So the next question to your twat of a DH is why he feels the need for company on your family holiday. Genuine question to him: does he not enjoy it as much as you do?

I went back to night school a load of years ago. It was a 2 year course. We had booked to go on holiday just after the course finished with our 3 kids (I think they were like 12, 11 and 9 at the time). Near the end of my course a fella happened to say he was going to the same place, we then found out we were going to be in the same hotel.. we arrived a few days before them. I had never met his wife, nor him my partner.. we were literally classmates, and do you know, it was great having them there. I’m now friendly with his wife (10 years later). They had a 2 yr old and my daughters kept him entertained, and my partner had a male pal too. We went to a theme park with them as my friend liked to go on the big rides, whereas his wife - like me hated them, so he was able to go on them with my partner and my eldest. It worked out really well in the end.

she also is younger than me, a lot prettier and ‘beach body’ ready but I didn’t care at all. It was a lovely holiday. We still had plenty of time on our own, but it was nice if we wanted to do something with them we could. My friends parents also joined for part of the holiday too.

Keep an open mind, it could be better than how you’re imagining it 💕

My sympathies OP. I agree with you.

Just one point. There are natural extroverts, your DH may be one, who genuinely believe "the more the merrier" and who love big group events. I know this because I'm like you and I like close time with my DH and family, but he's always inviting extras - even randoms. We've had it out a few times. I refuse to go along with it now, so he's aware that all plans have to made jointly, or I reserve the right to withdraw. In exchange I occasionally, and when I'm up to it, allow him to invite randoms/extras for the odd event.

I think your DH is totally playing this down because him and his pal have it all worked out (without telling you). He now probably feels a dick and is wondering how he can get round this without looking like a knob in front of his pal. I simply wouldn't go OP. I hate these situations that are forced upon you. Be thankful they didn't turn up at the airport and reveal their surprise!! At least knowing now gives you the chance to have the holiday you want. With or without your DH.

Sadly OP, I think he's revealed himself here. Both on the deliberate planning and the threat of cancellation as emotional blackmail. He's basically screwed the pooch, as they say. Even if you managed to change hotel or whatever, you know he's going to be sulking about his lad's boozy getaway being scuppered.

If I was in your shoes, I'd make the best of it by having a FAB.U.LOUS time with DD, book all the best activities and excursions (don't tell them!) and avoid the rest of them like the plague. Don't feel you have to pretend to enjoy their company or hang out together.

But he kept it a secret from her for a while. Surely if your mate does something creepy like invite himself and his family on your family holiday you a. Call it out as inappropriate. And b. Tell your partner about this creepy, impromptu turn of events and discuss how to proceed together.

He's a lying sod and he set it up with his mate.

Honestly grow up!
You can't stop people going to the same hotel as you at the same time.
If you wanted that then you should have booked a holiday in a private villa.

Because this is EXACTLY like your situation 🙄

@GallifreyGirl This is my point. I’ve done the whole sitting by the side of the kids pool, on the slides etc, my DD is now turning into a young adult. She also just wants quiet and to chill and it probably will be the last time she comes away with us. I’ve done my time with young children. I don’t want to be doing it again when I shouldn’t have to

Is this kind of ignorance standard operating procedure for your DH?

Does he have kids of his own, too?

So don't!!
Just go off and do your own thing
Literally couldn't care less if other peoples kids were there-it would be nothing to do with me!

Oh dear, did the mate/husband find this thread and throwing toys out of the pram? I mean you can’t physically stop someone booking the exact same holiday as you, but you can not share every last detail to make that possible. And who asks for details to make this happen anyway? It’s very weird behaviour if it is a ‘surprise’ (which it isn’t) and shitty behaviour if the husband and his mate have colluded to make it happen. Either way, it’s taken active steps to get to this point, it wasn’t random.

I would not be amused to find someone had done this at all - beyond rude. Whether your DH had an idea of what they were going to do, or a total surprise, either way it is not the holiday you wanted & have booked and paid for, you are right to be disappointed, angry and upset.

I would be looking to see if any changes can be made to the holiday, & if not you need to sit your husband down and talk to him. Tell him that you didn't need someone to talk to, how special this holiday was going to be, and another family coming changes everything about this holiday. He doesn't have to agree or understand, but he has to listen and respect your feelings. I would suggest, at the most, you will go our for dinner with them one evening at some point during the holiday, but you have no intention of it becoming a group holiday and suggest he speaks to his friend to discuss this - how he explains that is up to him.

But she isn't complaining that she's bumped into random aquaintances on holiday is she? That would be different and somewhat tolerable. She's complaining that her twatty-ass husband has blatantly sceemed this with his mate hoping they can both have a lad's holiday and then not told her or run it by her. It's definitely him and his mate that need to grow up

Yes you’re very right to be upset. Maybe you could mitigate the negative effects by planning an active timetable of things to do which you don’t share with the friend? Not perfectly ideal but at least you will not be accompanied by them or risk having to share meals/evenings together?

Arsehole. He 100% knew they were planning to join you. Can you plan excursions out with your daughter whilst on holiday?

Make it clear - to your DH, this is for him to deal with - you aren't eating with them and their child every night, let alone babysitting. Nor are you socialising round the pool with them as this is not your idea of a holiday.

Can’t you and DD just do what you want? You tell DH that if the other family with the small child try to hang around with you when you’re trying to relax you and DD will politely say you’d like some time alone to relax, and you move to a different part of the pool.

Tell DH to tell his friend that you want to have dinners as a family, not as a large group.

As others have said, you need to tell your husband that you’re going to do your own thing, with your daughter, as you both wanted a chilled out holiday without socialising. He can do what he wants.

This 👆 Try to change hotels, even it you have to pay a little to do it!

Oh well this confirms it OP - your DH was definitely in on this with his mate.
My DH has a good friend, "John", he sees a couple of times a week (they play sport together) and I've never met his wife. I've just asked DH what would he think if John asked him the details of our holiday this year and subsequently told him he had booked the same - DH said he would think it was "weird". I asked him what he would say to John in reply and he said "I'd ask him why". (Bear in mind they get along famously.) I then asked DH what he thought I'd think of such a "surprise" and he said "you would not be happy!" And this is why I've been with my lovely husband for 44 years!
OP, without wishing to be unkind, either your DH doesn't know you very well (surprising given you've been together at least 16 years) or he just doesn't care about what you want.
The other thing I find astonishing in all of this is the sheer arrogance of your DH's friend to think he can impose his and his family's presence on your holiday. How fucking dare he? 😡