My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I think long-winded is better in these situations - it feels less hostile.

In an ideal world we'd all say exactly what we want - but in this world, things need smoothing over, sugar-coating etc, because otherwise the fallout outweighs the gain.

ok … I missed that. Well if the 16yo isn’t keen to have another teenager around either - then sounds like it will be even more tricky to make work and you’re best off rebooking the hotel.

Actually the hotel may be happy to change the dates free of charge - better than losing a regular booking, and changing flights may only cost £20 each.

Or the hotel may allow a cheap cancellation.

Or the dh can make it clear that the other family won’t be joining them and they can think about changing their holiday.

I would be so annoyed too.

I would plan a few excursions just to ensure you have some time just as a 3. Just be vague with your husband about these plans.

I’d be furious.

You need to find a way to get across to your DH how deeply upset you are. Is there a scenario similar that your DH would not be keen on e.g. An intrusive socially inapropriate distant relative with triplet 3 year olds and teenage son that likes to hang with any men around.

Oh I would be raging.

The amount your DH is protesting to your thoughts tells me he 100% knew about it.

Me too, I would question him about this face to face rather than by phone to see his reaction. I reckon they cooked this up so they could go off together and have a great time leaving you women and children together. I'd be pushing back hard too.

I think you need to interrogate him first then decide what you do next, hopefully you can change your plans to get what you were hoping for without it costing too much. I'd be so cross if my DH did this, he loves holiday friends but I'm like you and want to chill with a few books not make small talk with strangers!

I would be absolutely furious, OP. My exH used to do this, just invite people on holiday with us and I hated it. I wouldn't say he's my ex because of it, but it did contribute to the overwhelming 'he just doesn't get me' which ultimately ended in divorce. For him, it was about making sure he had a 'lads' vibe. I was just lumbered with the partner... some of the worst 'holidays' I've ever had.

You can't tell someone else not to go on holiday, but I'd be going somewhere else with your DD. I totally get it, OP - sending you

I bet your DH has said something to his friend about ditching the women and getting together, even if said in jest because it isn’t normal behaviour to hijack someone’s holiday.

Does the girlfriend know I wonder? Are you sure your DH’s friend isn’t thinking /arranged that they can leave the women to it and go off to the pub or sport activities. I’d be annoyed too.

I don't get the angst, really. You aren't sharing accommodation. You don't need to talk to them if you don't want to.

I would change the hotel and surprise them all with that on arrival. No chance would I want to make those compromises for a much longer for holiday.

I couldn't roll with that, can you change hotels? I think it's incredibly rude to foist yourself on someone else's holiday! You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

There's so much damage done here that is difficult to work out a solution that gets your holiday back.

Whatever happens, you are not going to have the nice relaxing holiday with the three of you spending quality time together.

Your DH has clearly seen an opportunity to have both a family holiday, and a lads piss up with his mate when family times get too boring for him.

He may not have been that calculating about it, but the least he could do was apologise sincerely when your feelings were made known about this 'surprise', and come up with a plan to lessen the impact. What he has done is double down, and tried to make you seem unreasonable. That is unforgiveable in my eyes.

You may be able to change hotels, with or without your DH, but I'm betting you will still be looking over your shoulder for this family, and your DH will be very sulky.

Not a great situation , OP, and my heart goes out to you.

I'm betting this actually happens quite a lot to be honest. It shouldn't have to be said, but there seems to be a moral in the tale for all of us that to agree at the time of booking that no friends are to be invited or encouraged to join a holiday without a prior discussion.

This. I would 100% change the holiday.

YANBU - I would be fuming.

I can’t imagine how anyone thinks it a good “ surprise” to gatecrash someone’s holiday.
If you can change hotels do that.
If not DH speaks to his mate and says your holiday is a private family one, no one else involved at all and if they’d prefer to rebook elsewhere that’s more than fine with all of you.

If DH does nothing then he goes without beer/ golf/ gym/ whatever for the next few months to pay for a spa stay for you and DD alone.

I wouldn't stand for this at all. The DH is 100% complicit, and unfortunately doesn't seem to care about OP's feelings or preferences.

Your husband has organised this with his friend. He gave him the exact information and flight times. There was no surprise. He wanted a holiday with his mate and didn't care that it wouldn't suit you or your daughter.

Now he's making out that you are the problem because you won't go along with his change of plan. He's relying on you not wanting to be seen as rude to his friend. Quite the manipulator.

You could change the dates and make your husband pay the cost. He can make up something to explain that your daughter had an end of exams party or whatever. He sounds like the sort to sulk though as if you have ruined things, not himself.

'DH, tbh I don't believe that this is a coincidence. I think you and your friend have planned this. I will be changing the dates/accomodation of the holiday if I can do so without penalty. Otherwise dd and I will be eating, drinking and sunbathing on our own at the pool we want to. We will be doing nothing to entertain your friend's kids I do not wish to make small talk and if anyone does when I don't want to I will be putting my headphones on and ignoring them. I don't give a fuck if I seem rude. You're ultimately the rude ones for not consulting me about this. Also, if you swan off with your mate whilst we're meant to be having family time then it will be the last holiday we take together. Love and hugs to you you self-absorbed twat'

OK, so if you can't change your dates or hotel, tell your husband that you and your DD will be having the holiday that you planned, that you won't be socialising his friend's family, and if he decides to spend all or part of his holiday with their family rather than yours, that's up to him.

I find it so weird and rude that someone would do that. I'd insist on re-booking the hotel or tell your husband he can stay with his mates if he wants and you re-book a different hotel for you and your daughter. No way this would fly with me.

I would ask dh to tell his friend how upset you are and it’s not a surprise. You simply don’t want to holiday with anyone other than him and your daughter so they shouldn’t expect to join you for anything

then if I see them I would be quite happy to ignore. They chose to come as a surprise rather than ask if you would be happy so they can put up with the consequences

Say to your husband:
I will not be chatting away to them on the flight
I will not be having ANY meals with them
I will not be sitting with them at the bar/pool etc unless i/my daughter fancy it
I will not be doing any group activities
I will certainly not be doing any supervising of the 5yr old
I will be polite if i see them in passing
This is my FAMILY holiday and i intend to keep it that way.

Hope it all works out OP, you shouldn't have to change any part of a holiday your looking forward because of this.