My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

You can still do all that
You're not going on holiday with these people, you're just going to be in the same hotel
You don't have to associate with them at all
Neither does your daughter

Yes I think this is the only way. Let DH spend his precious holiday time with them, he might start to understand how you feel.

I think if I was going to be more conciliatory I would say to both the adults :'listen guys, hope you'll understand but DD is very shy and will be absolutely exhausted after her GCSEs - she's been really looking forward to being very quiet and spending time with just me on holiday. Both of us tend to use this special time to be completely decompress and zone out actually - in truth we both find socialising pretty exhausting and this is our antidote to that. Just wanted you to know before the holiday so we don't seem rude once we get there!"

I genuinely don't think that would make a difference. What you suggest sounds very sensible and conciliatory, but when there's a 5 year old running round the pool, and the woman pulls up a lounger next to the OP, it's going to be hard to enforce.

Seeing as dh likes surprises just change it if you can to another hotel / destination

That honest (but long-winded) explanation has too many chances for the blokes (and possibly girlfriend) to override your wishes and have the holiday THEY want at your and DDs expense.

But for all you know her partner told them she'd love to see them.

I'd also bet money that the two guys want a piss up and so he's just talked his wife into it.
Chances are she won't want to share her holiday either.

It would be nutty to be like 'youre not welcome' to people you then have to see the whole holiday. Bigtime overkill.

I’d be absolutely furious as well OP.
I would be doing everything possible to change hotel.

OP as others have said - if you can, I'd change hotel for you and your daughter.

I'd tell your DH that he's not understanding how much this has ruined your holiday and you're not prepared to grin and bear it so as not to hurt his friend's feelings.

So you and your daughter are moving hotels - if he wants to join then great but if not, he can continue with the original holiday as planned.

I'm sure this will make him feel awkward about having to tell his friend this - good.

He's willing to make you and your daughter feel awkward for your entire holiday - let him feel some of the discomfort he's more than happy to Subject you to.

I think you're right.

Can you change your dates?

I'd set expectations immediately, both with your DH and the other family. I'd tell DH that you and daughter have no intention whatsoever of sharing any part of your holiday with anyone else, at any level. Its up to him to manage the mess he's helped to create.
Then, on the first day, I'd explain to the other family that you and your daughter planned your holiday to enable you to spend some quality family time together in peace, doing nothing so you hope they have a lovely time and enjoy their (separate) holiday in their own way. Then just totally avoid them until they get the message. You don't owe them a holiday. I really wouldn't be offering to meet up for a drink or an excursion because that's not what either of you want. If DH is refusing to look after your feelings, you need to do it yourself. Demonstrate to your daughter what looking after your own needs first looks like. She deserves the holiday you both signed up for as much as you do.

I bet your DH planned this on purpose with his mate, offering him to come along. That’s why it was going to be a surprise - because he knew you wouldn’t like it! Selfish pig!

Change your hotel and don’t tell your DH until you arrive. You can explain it’s a ‘surprise’ 😄

If for some reason you can’t change hotels, just don’t engage with the friend and his family. If you see them, say Hi, then immediately look away and carry on, just as you might do if you passed someone you vaguely recognised in the street. If they try to organise trips or meals together, say No and explain you want a holiday with just the three of you.

God Op, I'd be bloody furious. How fucking dare they. Practically everyone knows that one of the things everybody looks forward to on their one holiday a year is getting away from everyone they know and not worrying about anyone they know seeing them in their bikini. It's basic 101 holiday etiquette, not to invite yourself along on someone else's holiday without their express consent.

I would be looking at changing the hotel, but I appreciate this is probably not going to be possible. I really feel for you and your DD, so the pair of you will have to plan for this. Noise cancelling headphones, music, reading materials and short one word answers to any attempts to get chatty. Also, can you and DD get away on your own either for some trips out or just disappear to a different part of the hotel or beach to sunbathe on your own, no explanation to anyone why or where you are going, just get up and leave.

I would be be making it very clear to your DH and to his friends that you are not interested in hanging out during the day and will not be the obligatory people pleasing female that your shitty DH obviously expects, fuck that.

I totally agree with you OP.

I’d change the hotel. As a surprise.

Just clocked that the CFers are on the same FLIGHT, let alone the same hotel @AbbeyDown

Given that you had booked both separately, that is a lot of info flow between your DH and his mate. You might mention a resort or hotel name but who talks about flight times and airports???

I was rather hoping that mate had blindsided DH but I'm leaning more towards this was planned in some way, shape or form. Even if a drunken convo that your DH thought would never come about?

'Im sorry, I hope you don't think me terribly rude, but I was looking forward to a family holiday. And it seems like my other half sneakily thought he'd invite his pal along and turn it into a piss up. I told him this won't be happening if he values his family. So he's in the doghouse at the moment. Do enjoy your holiday though guys, I hope the weather stays nice for us, byeeee!'.

You can be clear and set boundaries without being rude. It perhaps should be awkward for your partner though, as he deserves it.

But for all you know her partner told them she'd love to see them.

Not the OP’s problem and certainly not her job to play along with it if it is the case. Her husband and his mate should be bloody embarrassed and if it does go ahead I hope it’s a miserable experience for both of them whilst the op and her daughter have a wonderfully relaxing time ignoring the other family.

I can see why your DHs friends want to gatecrash, you love the place, they think the teens will entertain each other, you can help with the 5 year old and the men can leave you to it while they prop up the bar. They've given no thought to you or your DD so you need feel no guilt about treating them the same way Op.
Tell your DH neither you or DD want to go if you're stuck with his friends so he needs to tell them they won't be seeing you after all.
If the hotels part of a chain they'd probably let you move to a sister hotel for a reasonable fee.
If you go this year and they like it as much you'll have the same problem over and over

Absolutely agree. But for all we know, the woman may be completely innocent in all this. She probably doesn't want to share the holiday either. Maybe she didn't even know she was as the two guys hid it from her too.

This is a family issue. Not the fault of the other couple.

I’d be fuming

presumably your dh isn’t entirely innocent in this is he? I mean if he was being asked for specific dates etc I’d have expected him to make a joke about “best not come the same time as us mate”. Is he trying to cover his tracks after encroaching the friend to book the same week?

why should you have to change hotel. Your dh should ask them to.

if it really can’t be sorted then I think you agree that you’re going on separate holidays and perhaps manage a meal out as a group once or twice

Plus your husband will go out with his friend. Try and book some time for you and your daughter to do things you both want to do.

Not that you should HAVE to do this, but could you talk to the girlfriend separately? Might be easier that you don't know her well.

Yeah, I think the blokes cooked this up between them too. Doesn't sound like the DH had any intention of spending time with the family, hence his "someone to talk to" slip.

If the OP and DD slip away to do their own things and leave him to hang out with his mate, that'll be exactly what he probably wanted in the first place... but at least then the OP and DD will get some quality mother-daughter holiday time, so that's still a big positive.

I would hate this too. Nothing you can do about the other family, but there is something you can do about yours: change hotel. It’ll be awkward to explain to the other family, but I would take awkwardness over having to spend the week with them. I would 100% swap to a different hotel.