To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

The person doing this happens to be a man, would I say the same if they were a woman, yes I definitely would. Don't like what I say, fine I don't ask for your agreement and happy to be challenged without the suggestions of things that were never said nor implied.

My relatives could teach emotional blackmail at PhD level. You have to let go of the abused child in you at some point and decide to protect what you want to protect. OPs DH has come to a point where he has to make a decision, it can only come from him everyone else has been clear. There is no decision anyone here can make in which they "win". But it is not about winning is it, it is about making the best choice out of a bad lot and hopefully for those who need them the most.

There is nothing about the sex of the people that matters here, it's not about him or her being something, it's about more than the individual because everything is at stake right now.

If you think that is a man hating statement that says way more about you than it ever will about me.

OP I am sorry to hear this but not surprised. You can't change locks but you can keep everything locked and padlock gates while this is getting sorted. Have you got cameras? Is there someone who could come and stay with you?

There is a fine old yorkshire saying.. its time your husband shit or get off the pot! He is choosing to be a victim to the detriment of Op and his own children. If he intends to live like that then its his choice that he will lose everything.

True but there comes a point where a partner has to accept that they can do no more and they and their children are entitled to defend themselves and their lives. The abused person has to want to change and its sounds like this bloke doesn't. Continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result........

ah and AI is always right God if people use AI to quote the law we are all done for

you’re obviously a very “ law abiding person “😂

my son threw out his lodger last year 😂
the guy was a bully and a prick and was trying to take over the house even to the point of locking the main door leaving his key in so no one could get in and refusing to put the alarm on when he left .

Basically my son said it wasn’t working out and he needs to leave by the end of the week
if he didn’t the locks would be changed and his stuff would be outside in the garage and his dad would be up to “ help him leave “ 😂

He Left that day

a lodger has very little if any rights if living with the owner in the owners house

he’s a “ permitted “ occupier
permitted by the house owner
look up the word permitted

basically you need to not give a shit and not take any shit and have a big dad who also doesn’t give a shit

JFC! So all this chaos is going on around a teen just about to start GCSES. What was your husband thinking! And you stay put, let him stew on it. Monumental asshat. Big lesson OP, get boundaries in place and stick to them.

I'll say it again, as a matter of FACT, not pedantry: a home owner does not need a court order to remove a lodger (excluded occupier) from their property. They simply have to give reasonable notice (as I've previously explained to you), pack up their lodger's belongings (if they won't do it themselves) and escort them out. If the lodger causes a breach of the peace (or threatens to) the home owner can call the police to attend. This is what I would do (and what I have advised former CA clients to do).
Applying for a court order that isn't needed is both costly and time-consuming (EAs typically have a six-week lead time from instruction and this would be on top of the time taken to get a court order from a judge).
On your separate note, of course a mortgaged home owner should notify their lender and their insurer if they are considering taking in a lodger before doing so, to ensure they are not breaching their contracts with them.

I'm so sorry, OP. I was delighted to read your husband stood up to his CF outrageous family. What a horrible disapointment for you to find him backpedalling and blaming YOU for causing this toxicity that is entirely his family's fault.

Indeed. It makes me wonder why I 'wasted' my time training for 9 months in order to volunteer for 10 years at CA (whilst receiving ongoing training during all that time, including in housing law) only to have someone argue "but AI says ...". Sigh. 🙄

Exactly this. I'm really hoping this is another temporary aberration on OP's DH's part and that OP can help him recognise his family's manipulation again, but heavens above, this must be so ruddy exhausting for OP. 😪

They are going to further indoctrinate him OP. I’m sorry but this is your life unless he chooses otherwise.
there is no going back only going toward and whether he is in your forward is determined by how he behaves now.

I would not contact him then when he contacts you, either he will have become hell bent on doing what his family want or side with you. If he sides with them then you’ll have no choice but to turn the conversation around to how you will be moving forward no longer as a couple. He can then create a home for himself where he can live with his sister

this reality may shock him into reality. Even then I wouldn’t be sure I’d want him though

They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that.

She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit

I just wanted to pull out this text from OP about the sister in law. If she has never bothered with your DD before it is very unlikely she will do so in future. SIL may even believe herself that she will do these things. But I doubt she will in reality.

So if you do let SIL stay in any form I think you need to be realistic that it is for SIL's benefit not your DD's.

I read your update though. I would say don't do anything rash but stay strong. These are your boundaries for your house and that is that. They are very reasonable boundaries and your previous offer to your SIL was actually very kind.

One other thing...your son is about to do his GCSEs (which start in just over a week) and your DH decides to leave the house and his own little family in a huff because you won't be bullied into doing what his parents want. What does your DS know or think about this? Is he worried or stressed by his dad's behaviour with these relatives that he hasnt known much of for long as they only recently paid attention? Did your DH give this any consideration at this hugely important time for your DS?
Your DH's priorities and judgement in deciding to leave is completely skewed. Presumably he is damaged by his parents treatment of him as a child but he was raised by these people and will have some of their traits potentially. Self focus being one (I hesitate to use the word selfish). Thinking about his own position and needs in this rather than his DSs.

^ This. Such a shame OP, I really thought you and DH had sorted it but honestly, how could he walk out on DS at this time? Definitely don't leave the house, just carry as normal (as possible), the ball is in your DH's court but I think you have now got to spell it out, it is his wife and kids or his obnoxious family, I don't think there's any other option.

I think he’ll see things more clearly at a distance and realise that his future is with you and your children. Well, I hope he does. You all have everything you wanted after this move. I can’t imagine why he would throw it away. Common sense says he’ll contact you more determined than ever to be with you and resist his mother etc.

Try not to contact him. Leave it for as long as you possibly can. You both need that space.
Your thoughts will settle down too. Right now you don’t want him because it brings back all the arguments and you’re probably enjoying the peace. That’s why you shouldn’t speak for a week, two weeks, maybe longer.
But gradually the mists will clear and you will know what you want.
A house is just a house. Even if it’s big and grand etc. It’s not a home unless the family is happy and relaxed. It’s not worth it if you’re arguing. Better in a smaller one on your own with your children.
But sometimes MN is too keen to split marriages up.
Take your time.

I also believe the ferocious effort your inlaws are making to ensure his sister moves in, is indicative of just how important this in to their long term plans.

These are plans that they have hatched up and your stupid husband is not party to.

They are vicious because you have tried to thwart their plans.

They have suckered your husband in.

You really need to be very suspicious and clever because they mean you harm.

They clearly couldn't care less about you or your children.
Its all about getting what they want.
Your home for their daughter to live long-term free of charge.
Unbelievable.

After reading your updates I'd say if he allows them to manipulate him knowing how it's affecting your marriage, I don't hold you responsible for cutting them all off.

I feel for the sister having a mother like that. I’d consider helping her with the caravan in a planned way to help her get away from her overbearing parents and get some independence, as well as to support your daughter.

Hell no!! PLEASE don't buy into the "you need to be the saviour and carer for this adult woman" !!!
You do that and you'll have her and the in-laws living with you.... how incapable is she actually? She can drive can't she? So has managed lessons/practical test/theory....wouldn't be sucked into the poor her.... what a victim'

Id tell him to go live with them then if he wants but she's not coming to live with you. He's being so unreasonable and needs therapy unfortunately, his family have done a right number

So he’s admitted to them that it was “you” who didn’t want her living in the house etc! Certainly sounds like it

I know plenty of people keep mentioning therapy, but we read (on MN) about plenty of men who just can’t stand up to their female relatives - do all these men need therapy, or just need to grow a pair?

Its the old Jesuit saying "give me a child until they are six and they will be mine for life"

Spot on!

I most want to say that it is a shock when you see for the first time that your DH can be manipulated, especially if you yourself aren't the same. I have been through that revelation. But I've read your posts carefully and this sounds like your DH is subject to the Stockholm Syndrome. People returning to their abusers is the closest thing I can think of, and far more complex than a normal family spat. I think you should start there and read on. This is not a simple manipulation, and his mother knows which buttons to press because she installed them.

Have you considered going to a marriage guidance counsellor and explaining the situation?

They may have experience of other people being in the same mess as you and would be better placed to give you advice. They may even be able to refer you and your in-laws to mediation to sort the problem out diplomatically and make it clear to them that they are in danger of breaking up your marriage.

Perhaps the CAB could also help with mediation?

You have to try the suggestions on here. Reading them is not enough.

Do you think the OP will succeed in not allowing her and her horse in?