To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

It depends how the sister feels and what she wants in life.

If she was taken out of school at 9 to keep her away from “worldly influences”, it sounds like she’s had a pretty messed up life and OP says she’s not at all confident. I’d want to help her create a life for herself. But with very clear boundaries that if she starts acting entitled, disrespectful or manipulative, she has to go. And the parents stay away, other than odd occasions.

I think that ship had sailed now. The OP can't trust the ILs to act in good faith whatever they agree to.

@EdithBond as nice as it sounds the reality will be very different. OPs husband is being manipulated by his parents and sister by the sound of it. If he was able to hold a clear boundary it would be different but he is unable to at present and if his sister moves in it will be a second person that OP will effectively need to battle with and it would be incredibly difficult to get her out especially if her husband disagrees. It is really sad that her life has been messed up by her parents but right now OP needs to look after her children and herself. I think her in-laws want her SIL there to offload the caring to OP and herself DH long term.

Would be dreadful if they divorced and their dream, hard-worked-for home, bought to give their daughter a future, was lost.

That’d mean the parents are still controlling him and damaging his life. If OP stands firm, it’s entirely down to him. He needs to choose if it’s worth losing his wife, children and home. All to please his manipulative parents, who’ve proved they don’t really care.

He needs to choose if it’s worth losing his wife, children and home. All to please his manipulative parents, who’ve proved they don’t really care.

Yep - should be a simple decision .....

Toxic in laws are the worst and he is so desperate for their approval. Hopefully a few days with them and he’ll see what he’s losing and cut them out and come back. But if not it sadly does sound like it’s you or them. My DH was the same and chose me and were VLC with his and it still hurts him and he lashes out at times as he just wants their live and they can’t give it

I accept this may happen.

We all deal with things in different ways. I’d want to support the sister and I’m capable of setting clear boundaries and following through if they’re disrespected. There would be no battle. There’d be a tenancy agreement, with clear clauses, and a possession notice if it’s breached. Or persistently breached.

Some people aren’t so good at setting or enforcing boundaries. So, their boundary is a ‘no’ from the off. That’s fine too.

Only OP and her DH know what’s best for them.

As he seemed to get it in earlier post you say he told them how unreasonable this is and he layed down rules...since then they have obviously got at him and it sounds like he is now stuck inbetween his blood family and you, if you force things and he falls out with them completely then you'll forever be the "bad guy"
If you allow her and her horse and dog to move in you'll be stuck with her lazy arse in your house and parents visiting every weekend they want. It sounds like he knows its not a good idea but he has committed, what if you checkout the law on mortgages and insurance when it comes to all this? If you can prove it would affect those things then it's out of your hands it's just not possible to put her and horse up as it would affect them....tell hubby to tell them this. It sounds like dh is torn and knows that if he doesn't put her up then he will lose contact but he needs to see that they only want contact now that they can get something out of it, which is offloading 30 yr old still dependant daughter, that's not true family.

The idea of your SIL moving in is nothing to do with the SIL it's about breaking up your marriage because with you there he won't be fully under control of them. It's working isn't it.

It's incredibly hard for you and your children. If he cannot see the damage they are doing there's not much you can do for him.

I hope you get legal advice on what would happen in the worst case scenario that he turns up and moves SIL in while you are out for example. The other PP advice on getting finances sorted in case of a marriage break up is good too.

So sorry for you all OP I hope he comes to his senses soon.

Agree here to..

After the way his family have behaved over the years, then the OP and her DH offering to let the sister move a caravan onto the grounds, yet still the family show their true colours by pushing and pushing wanting more and more..

OP I'd say now has the decision to make as to whether she can actually trust her DH's word after his change of heart so quickly.

This has very little to do with the DH's wishes. He is being manipulated by his toxic family.

I'm sorry he's being like this OP.

What a nightmare for you. Your poor DH still chasing their love and attention after all this time. Would he consider counselling? Sounds like he has a lot to unpack. You telling him his family treat him badly is creating a them V you situation. If he could work out for himself that they are treating him badly what would be better.

I thought the same.

That, or some weird religious group. Plymouth Brethren? Amish?

Satanists? 😀

Please tell us, OP. It would contextualise your situation.

Just wanted to echo what pp's have said.
It must be very difficult for you to stand your ground in the face of such opposition.
I'm sorry this has happened it sounds like the wonderful new life that you had forged is being threatened. You must be at your wits end. I hope you have real life support from people who can see how unreasonable they are being. Stay strong!

The PILs are also looking to the far future, once they're gone their son will be stuck with his sister forever if this happens, wherever he's living post-divorce. I wonder if that's occurred to him at all?

Try not to be too harsh on your DP. It’s so hard when being emotionally blackmailed by parents, when all you want is a loving, close family. However, he needs to understand he now has his own loving, close family, which he’s made a success of. A solid relationship with you, who’s never let him down. Two wonderful kids. And a beautiful home, which gives your daughter a chance of a future she’ll enjoy.

Exactly this, the hoards who have turned on the husband have little understanding of how people like this work and how because of his appalling childhood he is less able to resist them. I wonder if there is a third party, close family friend of both maybe, who could talk to him less dispassionately than the OP who is obviously under a lot of stress.

I don't know how far into the future he has looked.
I suspect that the OP spelt in out for him in their first talk.
Either way he is not a "bad" man or a "weak" man or any other of the names that he has been called on here.
He is a victim of abusive parents, and possibly an abusive sister.

I appear to be one of the few on here that hopes that this is not the end of what seems to be a loving relationship with children that have been planned for (future wise) and supported.

But in the end whatever happens the DH is a victim of his parents abuse, and this should not be forgotten.

I am also going to point out that divorce may end up with both the OP and her DH loosing what they have worked for as they have only just bought the property and unless I have missed it didn't pay cash.

I understand what you are saying, it's heartbreaking but we also have to remember he is an adult, he knows what his family are like and yet he is still willing to crash his own children's lives at an important stage.

At some point you have to shed off the issues of our own and put the most important people first and those people are his children, however hard he finds it.

Yes he needs help and I truly hope he gets it, but flouncing on a DC doing GCSEs soon and another with needs is not looking out for anyone but himself.

And I'd like to add my siblings and I had a very toxic upbringing and it left deep scars but not one of us would walk out on children over the relatives.

I'd urge you to speak to your husband about family therapy but I would also be speaking to a solicitor. The home belongs to you and your family, not his poisonous family.

Can you afford to buy him out of the home?

It sounds like his family think if they can get rid of you then they can all move in.

Agree.
This has been my thought for a while.
This does make things a bit clearer because it’s a completely different culture.
They genuinely think differently and so what seems rational to them and seems miles apart to the average Mumsneter.
Getting angry won’t help.
it’s maybe a case of ‘No’ because I say so. ‘That doesn’t work for me’
You won’t ever to be to reason with them. They just run on a different wavelength.
This would make a lot of sense regarding the situation.

You don’t move out, see a solicitor and take it from there.
He’s gone for a few days, if he won’t see sense, he can stay wherever he is now until the divorce and the house is sold.
What an idiot he is, I could never trust him again.

I don’t think anyone wants the couple to split, but want the ils and sister to stay away.
and that if they railroad their way into op’s house the marriage is as good as over.
let’s hope dh comes round and gets therapy to get him out the FOG.