To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

No you are not being unreasonable. Static caravan fine, but no you can't have her moving in, her not being able to afford a caravan is her problem not yours.
Tell your husband and his family you don't want to have them visit more than one weekend in four (or whatever you are comfortable with). I understand you husband wanting to be closer to his family, and I can even understand his "forgetting" how they have treated him and your family in the past, but you have to find a balance.
Your husband obviously realises he has made a mistake, but is unable to admit it, I'm afraid you are gong to have to step up and be the bad guy- his sister can't move in and expect you to bankroll her, her horse and the family dog-what next?
You have to say the sister can't move in, and the family only visits a reasonable proportion of weekends , or it with so seriously affect your relationship he will have to choose between his sister and parents or you and your daughter.
You can't carry on like this, it has to stop.

I’m angry for you however it’s is clear his family are extremely dysfunctional and manipulative and he is a part of their dysfunction. The desperation to be wanted and loved by them will be a strong emotional pull but he also loves and wants you which puts him in a no win position. I can’t help but feel a little for him as he is trapped and no matter what he decides, someone he loves (no matter how skewed that might be) is going to be hurt. In that respect he will feel torn. You’ve made it clear this will end your marriage, make it crystal clear again but I wouldn’t expect someone who is locked in a dysfunctional family dynamic to be able to choose sides which is effectively what is happening here because he wants to do right by both of you equally and he can’t. They are even getting to him behind your back now turning the screws and emotionally abusing him with guilt and making you the bad guy. My mother was married to a man with a similar messed up family dynamic where he was trapped by the dysfunction of his parents and siblings. His older brother moved as far away as possible and stayed low contact as a result. I feel for you both as there will be no real winners here. He loses whatever he decides. He either loses you who he loves and wants approval of, or he loses his messed up family who he loves in his own messed up way and wants the approval of. Either way he loses.

It’s not about being willing. That’s not how emotional blackmail works.

Oh man, this has given me a headache! Stay strong, OP, your husband is a wet lettuce and if you don’t put your foot down, your life will no longer be your own and your kids will suffer.

His family have really shown their true colours and it is sad your DH is now siding with them. The FOG is real with him. You need to get legal advice and think through your options to move forward for you and your DC.

My parents are very like your in-laws, OP. I only broke free when I recognised the pattern, but until that happened, my husband suffered very much as you are (right down to the horse, although this one was pregnant!).

Do you think there is any hope that you can reach him, and persuade him to go to some sort of counselling together? If it helps, the pattern with my parents was as follows;

-They largely ignored me. This could go on for years.
-Suddenly, they were very interested in me. They bought me gifts or gave me cash. I became hopeful of a meaningful relationship with them.
-They asked for/demanded a huge and unreasonable favour. For example, giving up a field of our farm for my sister's horse, stabling it, growing the hay for it, and doing all of its care including around foaling. Paying for everything, of course. Although that was arguably better than working in their business for years for free, which I also did. I agree because I desperately want them to like me.
-I get resentful of the imposition, but soldier on because they have convinced me that I am the only thing standing between them and disaster.
-They spend huge amounts of money on something frivolous (a huge holiday for them and my sisters but not me, a new car for my sister, you get the picture). All the while they expect me to facilitate their choices by doing all their grunt work.
-I get fed up, challenge them about their behaviour, and they treat this as a personal and undeserved attack. There is huge drama and they stop all contact with me.
-The cycle starts again.

Your husband needs help to see his pattern. You might not be the person to do that, but I hope he can be persuaded to seek help, either with you or alone.

Urgh, OP your update is RUBBISH. He's a fool.

I hope he comes round, as there is only one way this will work - and that is by your rules only. He must stand his ground for his family. I hope he comes round.

I don't think many people on here want the OP to split up with her DH. I think people just realise that being supported by your DH is fairly fundamental to a marriage.

I couldn’t stay with someone like your husband OP

Your marriage is over

it’s no longer a marriage

what an idiot he is to be manipulated like this

get a lawyer

put the house up for sale

fuck ‘em all

I hope though he sees sense for your sake and your DC

Especially when it's pretty much his whole family that OP fears may well end up moving in at some point along the way...

They're pretty pushy now, even after they've being told and agreed, by DH that plans had to have boundries in place and time limits.
God forbid the day they refuse to go home after a weekend stay.

You may not want to hear this - but I feel sorry for both your husband (and the emotionally abused child and hounded out teen that's still in there) and his sister, isolated from her peers and her personal development stunted.

This is his parents' fault, not his or his sister's. They are both victims in need of help.

Are you going to fight?

I'd be telling him ...

'I love you, I love our relationship, our marriage, our family and our home.' (And despite how he may behave while under the influence, and how you might understandably feel about his behaviour, if you want to save it all, keep this messaging strong)

'But because of their behaviour, all this is currently under threat. This threat to our family, our world, is coming from them, not from me.'

'I understand how much you desperately want and crave their approval and their love. But sadly they've proved all your life they can't give that to you. And anything they do offer you comes with massive strings attached. It's conditional - you do this, you give this, and we might give you some of what you want and never got as a child'.

'I can see this because I'm not the one suffering from what they're doing to you. I'm not being directly targeted as you are. But I am suffering from what they are doing to us. To our family.'

Conditional on staying together - 'you must seek out and attend therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood and see it for what it was, and your parents for what they are.'

@Sp3849

I would simply say "Fine, you stay away and 'think'. Because I will be thinking, too".

You need to speak to a solicitor, find out what divorce may mean to you wrt the property and assets. Forewarned is forearmed.

That is to assume you have no choice.

You always have a choice in situations like these even if the consequences are very difficult to even consider let alone live with. A PP called the OPs ILs his blood relatives ... well so are his children. They are not at an age where they will fully understand why he makes the choices he does but from the SIL moving in to a potential (and I hope it doesn't come to that) split of his family, DH is not the most affected by the situation.

The OP and her family are in a complete shitstorm and yes it is difficult but there is always a choice in matters like these however difficult OPs DH doesn't perhaps realise that he is not the only one who loses in this, his children and his DW does too. He can choose to have power over the situation and make the decisions for the people who need him most not those who treat him like shit.

You can absolutely choose not to be emotionally blackmailed even by people whose love you crave. He's never ever going to receive what he wants whatever he does, whatever he gives. He desperately needs to learn that to put his life back on track.

It’s a well known, well trodden cycle of abuse. There is no way to win apart from stepping away. Ops dh will be up to his eyes in guilt and shame.

@2JFDIYOLO

I agree with a lot of what you say here.

OP I for one believe that there comes a time where we have to walk away and I think that time for your DH to do so is now...hopefully you'll do it together as a couple....and stay that way.

I equally believe your DH should also know that you don't walk away from people to teach them a lesson, you walk away because you've finally learn yours.

He now needs to live his dreams where the two of you have chosen to do so as a family unit of his wife and DC.

Took me many a year, but it was something I needed to do with family to live my own life.

How dare your husband do this to you and your children?
What ever way you look at it from this action it proves he is far too damaged and unstable to be relied upon to be a decent husband.I am so so sorry Op your heart must be breaking from what he has just done. My advice is let go of what you thought you had and knew regarding Dh and open your eyes..then protect you and your children.

Because the Ai I copied before was saying that if the lodger refused to move out it would need a court order to get them out.

This is the same, in effect, because I am sure you know, if you were not being so precise and pedantic, that if a lodger refuses to move out - that is when a pre-arranged date is set in stone - the only way you can get them out is with a court order.

What else is there to do? If the lodger refuses to move out and the householder does not move immediately, at a later date the court will just say that they let the situation exist, and in all probability that lodger will stay until the bitter end.

How does that play out with a householder with a mortgage, without the lender's permission or the house insurance sayso?

What would you do?

@Sp3849 really saddened to read your update! You must be feeling shit. I think I'd be telling him he better tell his sister to find somewhere else as due to your boundaries and thoughts and feelings being dismissed, the house will need to be sold as you can't see a way to live together anymore. Unfortunately I don't think you'll look at your husband in the same way again 😥 I really feel for you 💐

I feel so sorry for what you are going through. I just hope that your DH comes to his senses. I had a disfunctional family and suffered rejection from my Dad for years. I lost my Mum early. It took years of therapy and self reflection to see the damage that it did to my self esteem and even today I have some issues because of all the trauma. I wish you the very best in dealing with everything being thrown at you. Keep your level head and take advice on the way forward. Can you get family or friends to support you?

I've just literally read through this thread this afternoon and I'm so sorry you are going through this horrendously difficult situation.
You don't deserve any of this on your plate.
My initial reaction to your post is to protect your mental health and say no to your sister in law moving in and no to the rest of his family.
An awful awful situation.

So sorry for this situation. What a spineless and easily manipulated man. You should be his main priority - you and your children. His family comes second to everything and he needs to stand beside you and support you.

Not everyone can, no. When you are being subjected to emotional abuse by your entire family and have been for years you are not able to exercise independent choice freely in the same way you would without that influence. You wouldn’t tell a woman who kept returning to an abuser that was emotionally blackmailing her that its her own fault for going back because she always has a choice even in a situation like this, but sadly the hatred of men on MN is such that it doesn’t work the other way round. Hard for some on here to accept but it isn’t just women who keep letting their abusers back into their lives through emotional turmoil.

I think the difference here is that he is putting his old abusive family ahead of his own little family he has created and has the most responsibility for. He has his own kids who should be the most important thing in his life and yet he has walked away from them. His parents didn't put him first when he was a child. He's doing the same to his own kids.

@Sp3849 you have absolutely done the right thing. He needs to think hard about what he wants, he should be prioritising his family that isn’t treating him like shit, instead of his family that uses him and does treat him like shit.
i know people in similar situations who have the maturity and confidence to call a spade a spade and value the family they have- he’s not the partner for you if he is unable to do that, there’s no reason why you should be subject also to these assholes whims. If you don’t draw a line now, this will just continue for the rest of your lives and impact your children as well.