To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

You were lined up as the perfect mugs to off load their dd on to you indefinitely. They are annoyed because their plan was not successful.

Your dh is vulnerable to their guilt trips, so he needs to ask himself if they are behaving like this to support and care for him? Or if their behaviour is motivated by self interest. Encourage him to become a third person and look at the situation neutrally.

No they won’t . They will take it out on the poster as she will be the bitch who pulls his strings. I’ve been in a similar situation. I got the blame because they were used to snapping their fingers and DH jumping . I only hope OP and DH stick to their guns because if they don’t it will break them as a couple.

@SpainToday

I meant for her daughter, not her CF SIL! She said about getting her DD her own horse so I was just giving a twopennenceworth on that. Hopefully the SIL and her horse will be a good county or so away :)

SpainToday · Today 09:17

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.
Noooooooooo!!!! None of this is the OP's problem to solve **

Oh yes @Pompompowder they'll blame the Op alright but she's adamant this isn't happening and not open to their emotionsl blackmail. I hope her DH has seen the light and won't let them change his mind

Just want to congratulate OP and her husband on a great result. I feel that your relationship will be that much stronger for all this. You stood together and you helped him stand up to his awful family.

Great result. Well done, and all best to your DH - now he needs professional help to deal with the fallout of his childhood.

Regarding the latest communication from the grifters I think you should reply 'can I have that in writing'
Actually don't reply at all, after a while they will start sending out communications trying to prompt you to beg them to get back in touch. Just keep ignoring them!

I don't think they were offloading the damaged SIL onto you, they made her damaged and they kept her damaged because it suited them. They never wanted her independent. I think they were using her, same as they've always used her, this time as a "way in" for them to move themselves into your home. At first as s holiday home for weekends and later as old age and infirmity set in, they'd return home less and less until eventually they'd simply never go home and then they'd sell their house and use your home as as a care home for themselves, with you as the carer and DH bankrolling it all.

I really wouldn't invite them back again until they've apologised. Of course it'll be an insincere apology, but it needs to happen. Otherwise they'll view the situation as they acted offended and sulked, then you eventually caved in and swept it all under the carpet in order to continue having a relationship with them. Don't allow them to press the reset button like this, it gives them back the power. It won't help any future relationship with them if they think they punished you by withdrawing affections until you agreed to let it go.

Be frosty if they phone and leave the phone call early, essentially don't give them the time of day until they've apologised. That way you let them know that if they want to be around you, they have to at least behave on the surface as if they were normal half-decent human beings. Even though you'll always know that deep down they aren't.

That is a glorious win op!!

now draw a line in the sand and decide that you will never allow them to cross the boundary again. And as for them not speaking to you and dh - good riddance!!

I am insisting on nothing. I just copied the information given on the internet, and if you are still wondering, I suggest you look it up yourself.

I am fed up with people calling me out for things they can easily look up themselves. It is a nasty habit to insult and degrade. I was criticised by someone for copying and pasting, but that is the only way you can be sure that the wording is absolutely right.

And I am also right about the house insurance and the mortgage lender who do demand to be informed if anyone else comes to live in the house other than as a guest for holiday.

They do need to be told and give permission for a lodger or tenant who is staying for longer than a short visit. Look it up.

If you had a mortgage you would know that. If you had house insurance, the same applies, and you should know that, too.

There are very good reasons for that.

There is a liability on the owner of the property if the 'lodger or tenant' have an accident while they are staying for longer than a couple of weeks holiday. If you do not inform either or both, then you will not be covered for any accident they have. It could result in your losing your property.

If a lodger/tenant steals from you, it is unlikely you would be covered by insurance.

There are more reasons. The mortgage lender has the right to foreclose on the house if you do not inform them that someone else is living on the property. Same with insurance.

This...if you ask she will give an answer that suits " oh don't worry dps are helping me out with money" then she's in and Bang! "Oh i miss understood"...blah blah...no just get hubby to tell her to stay were she is, or if he can't you tell her, I would! Because it's not like you care if you see them again.

You need to call a screeching halt to this madness and tell the ILs that the house is not a hotel.

What utter leeches.

Your H needs to back you up.

I'm just putting Op's latest update here.

@Sp3849 Result!!!

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

Bloody hell

They have really damaged your husband, sorry OP

I’m so sorry for OP. What an awful situation.

So sorry @Sp3849 That is his perogative and choice to stay away for a few days but he needs to think very carefully. How dare he put the wants of those who have abused him all his life ahead of you and his children. He has no respect for you or your concerns.

I think you mentioned earlier having the proposed caravan linked up to electricity and water. Have you checked out the legality of such a move? Likewise as someone else mentioned does your mortgage provider agree (if you have one.)

I know it’s super sad and frustrating that you’ve moved in to a home you’ve wanted for ages but I fear this isn’t going to have a happy ending.

If he lets the sister move in, with her conditions, you are going to be miserable.

I don’t like giving ultimatums to people but in this case, if you don’t, you’ll end up in a position you will regret. He either is 100% a team with you- with no outside interference from outside parties- or this is it. You end the marriage.

So sorry to read this. What a nightmare these people are, and clearly very good at manipulating your DH.
Stay strong, repeat the ground rules to him, and don’t back down.

They are not going to go down without a fight. This must show you that no boundary or agreement about the living situation will hold
If the sister moves in you will be hosting and supporting the entire family for life.

All the while he’s ’staying away’ he’s open to even more manipulation by his toxic family.

He is utterly pathetic, and they are utter poison. Jesus fucking Christ. How can you stand it, OP? You poor thing.