To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Your poor thing. They have been dripping their poison in his ear. I can see that he has been damaged by them but he needs to learn to the advice of his wife and put his family first. I'm not surprised that you are absolutely mad @Sp3849. You need to continue to give him the same ultimatum. If he puts his vile family first, your marriage will end in divorce and the 'dream house' will be no more anyway.

@Sp3849 I am so, so sorry to read this. Does he understand that if the Sister moves in, you will move out and instigate divorce proceedings - and the dream house will need to be sold anyway?

You will have no choice if this goes ahead and it is a hill I too, would die on.

@Sp3849 What a terribly disappointing development OP - no wonder you're angry. So you go from a position where your DH sees everything clearly and presents a united front with you to his family, laying out the ground rules for his DSis moving to your property, to then succumbing to their manipulation AGAIN! He needs to remember - it's your home too and without your agreement for his DSis to move in, she can't.
Maybe you need to ask him if he's happy for the toxic family who hasn't given a damn about him his entire life, to destroy the happy family he's made with you? He seems to have forgotten (again) how much he has to lose - I hope you're able to remind him. Good luck OP. 🤗

His relationship with them is toxic and he needs therapy to figure it out. Seriously.

Do you know what I think I am done. I just cannot even be bothered to defend myself. They will continue to drip poison. I have always stood back and not gotten involved and just watched the carnage unfold. Pick the pieces up and help him move forward for them to then worm Thier way back in. They are truly horrible people. He has a decision to make really because after this I don't ever want to see or speak to them again. It's not fair on our kids and it's not healthy. I am going to let him leave and not contact him. I need some space to figure out what is best for me and my kids. If he can't let go I will have to leave. My son is just about to do his gcse's. My daughter needs alot of support and providing a happy stable environment is my priority not this shit show

Your husband needs to give his head a wobble, he is too easily swayed

If he can’t jet go, HE can leave! Don’t leave your house.

I agree completely..
OP , you’ve been so calm , clearly you’re a very nice person 🙂..
I would have flipped out by now , that’s being honest ..
Don’t leave his sister move in , whatever you do !
It will be said short term , bla bla 🙄, but it will be a lot longer, that’s how these things always pan out ..
This is you , your husband & children’s home & ye need to be left be without all his family all the time ..
It’s a tricky one though, when your husband not on the same page ..
Hope things work out without getting too stressful..
Definitely don’t leave her move in though
Best of luck 🤞

You can get out of it, you know, if you have a mortgage. You have to get permission of the mortgage lender if you want a lodger. Also, you have to get the permission of your house insurers as well.

If you do not tell them, the mortgage lender can foreclose and the house insurers will not pay out if she has an accident while on your property. You would have to inform them. It is the law. They may let you, but it would be in your interests if you say they declined, or that your insurance will go up considerably if she is expecting to have a horse on the premises.

It is especially important if she plans to run any sort of horse business on your premises. You would have to seek the permission of your LA about that. You should also consult the Deeds of your house, and see if there are any conditions in them.

I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made.

I think I’d be tempted to tell him that while he’s away thinking, you’ll be starting to get things valued & get advice on what you would each walk away with after a divorce. He will then need to choose if he takes his half & shares it with his family that treat him so appallingly growing up or if he’d rather stay & pool his resources with the family he has now. But you have no intention of ever sharing your half with them (after they stomped all over your very generous offer) & going forward he’ll only see his family away from your home. You cannot let his family and their toxic ways have any influence over your DC.
He’s a fool to be sucked back in. But you can’t stop that, you cannot only control what contribution you make (this should be zero from now on, totally withdraw the 6 month offer)
Good luck. Toxic families are awful & continue their damage well into adulthood.

I'm saddened by your update. Your husband is blaming you for his family's toxic reaction. He ought to be supporting you and speaking from the same page. The fact he didn't consult with you in the first place speaks volumes. Why would he side with his family against you? When he knows he's risking losing you and his children! It's bizarre to say in the very least!

This is the time to hold your nerve OP, so that you can remain clear thinking.
You know that you have done nothing wrong. And that they have shamefully done all they can to come to between the two of you today instead of retreating and doing a bit of self reflection after being called out on their conduct.

Stay calm, repeat your boundaries, don’t give an inch. He’s either all in with you or he’s out and it’s over. There’s no compromise from your end. So it’s all or nothing. Time for him to reveal himself once and for all.
Give him his bit of time and space. His head must be spinning from their arm-twisting and brain-washing today.
Let’s hope he wakes up tomorrow and knows exactly what he must do to earn back your trust. He has an awful lot to lose if he regresses back to trying to earn their love and respect instead. And he will be very disappointed further down the line when he realises all he’s lost.,
Best of luck OP.

I am inclined to agree with you. It would be a very dangerous step for the OP to take if there is a possibility of a divorce.

If she moves out because the in laws want in, she could register her reason legally to ensure she can return if she leaves with the children to prevent an argument.

That would be for a solicitor to advise.

If it were me, I would tell them the mortgage lender and the house insurers will not give permission, whether she has applied or not.

I have been long time disabled, and had to seek the approval of the mortgage lender and the house insurers to have someone stay. I have heard of other householders having to get rid of lodgers because they did not first seek permission.

If she does that, they can look it up if they don't believe her.

Don't go anywhere op.
Don't move out.
Don't allow any of them to move in.

If he wants to choose his toxic family, over his currently lovely family and home HE can move out, whilst divorce proceedings and settlements are all decided.

I'm sorry. You must feel gutted that they've poisoned him against you today. 😢

I see where you’re coming from, op, but don’t leave the house. Ask him to leave.

@Sp3849 If the worst comes to the worst DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. He will then have the family move in and it could prevent the sale of your home for a long time. At least see a lawyer before you do anything.

I’m astounded that he can’t see the obvious manipulation here but it’s clear they have got to him. The fact they have is very concerning. If it were me I would absolutely not relent and live that nightmare. They are highly toxic people.

I totally understand how difficult this situation is for you however they (including your H) are now trying to bully you into something that quite frankly would be intolerable. When he is faced with the prospect of losing the house anyway he may see sense.

If you can find the strength to start the process of divorcing him making sure he understands you are serious. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s begging forgiveness when they inevitably drop him like a hot potato as he is of no value to them without the house.

You are in the power seat here it’s half your house. He is sadly nothing more than collateral damage in their attempt to have what’s yours. I really hope you stay strong and wish you lots of strength and happiness for the future.

When we had stabling and a field my daughter had her pony. Then she allowed her friend to put her pony in the field with ours. When he was tied to the big iron gate a hornet stung him, and he took off round the field dragging the big heavy gate with him.

Well they had horse and rider insurance like us, so the lacerated legs could be treated by the vet, but we were not set up for other horses through the insurance, so had to get the industrial blacksmith to mend the iron gate and put it back on it's hinges ourselves.

If the op's SIL moves in without the mortgage lender or house insurer's permission, any amount of things could go wrong. We never thought in a million years that a pony could pull a heavy gate off it's hinges and drag it round the field.

They are all being completely unreasonable,do not for one moment think otherwise. Of course you don’t allow someone to move into your house without rules and boundaries especially this family whose behaviour has already been appalling.
Hang in there OP you are absolutely and unquestionably in the right.

Get legal advice.
Go nowhere.
He is toxic OP.
How easily he abandoned you.
Keep the doors looked and a key in them.
Don't you leave.
HE has left.
Get advice from Women's aid.
They are trying to force you out.
The house will be sold.
No one is moving in while its sold.
Dont allow them to bully you.
He is a weasel and a snake.
At least you know.
Let him move out while the house is dold.
I am so sorry.

Sadly because he is desperate to feel loved by them and will take any crap as long as he can feel needed/not experience their anger/cutting him off. I don’t think @Sp3849 can do anything to make him see sense - he has to go through this to the end, however it works out. He may see sense or he may not. I think Op has to step back as she is doing. OP I would be done with his family too -
and I agree with others that if you can, you should stay/buy him out somehow or come to agreement that you/kids stay put until they’re older and then you sell up and he gets his share, or if you can make it work, buy him out later. Sorry it has come to this @Sp3849 .

@llizzie "I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made." This is incorrect. Under UK housing law, a lodger is an "Excluded Occupier" who has no rights other than to receive "reasonable notice" to leave (which could be as little as a week, but could be as long as a month if they pay their rent monthly). OP would not be required to follow a formal eviction notice and would not have to go to court to evict a lodger.

Am so sorry to read your update. I understand your concerns about your children but your DP reneging on the agreement between the two of you seems to be the last straw,
Can only suggest that you do not contact him until he returns home. In the meantime write a comprehensive, factual, and unemotional list of all the problems and pitfalls re his sister moving in, the lack of privacy, the finances, the legalities and insurance required for horses, etc. Hand him the list and go through it together. And then hit him with how would he feel if he were to lose his wife, children and home because that is where this is heading. The only problem with this is that he is so easily swayed that I wouldn't be able to trust him again.
Alternatively, just tell him when he gets back that you have consulted a solicitor regarding potential divorce proceedings and what happens next depends on his decision.

First, look into the cost of boarding an extra horse on the premises. How much is the horse and rider insurance you already have? It will more than double with another horse. Also does your house insurers know that you have a horse on the property, now and store grain and feed like pony nuts?

The fact that you have stabling and field, does not mean they do not need to be informed. The same with the mortgage lender. It is the lender's property as well as yours, and you have to keep them informed of changes, in case of damages to the property, which so long as you have a mortgage, they share ownership with you. If you do not have a mortgage, get one, or tell SIL they and the insurers won't give permission.

I wonder why you have not considered this?

You could nullify your house insurers if you do not inform them that there is another person on the property and another horse. You will have no liability insurance if they don't know and your SIL has introduced another horse on the premises. Can you afford not to be insured, if your children have accidents?

Have you considered that?

Have you checked with the RSPCA as to whether the property is suitable for her horse as an addition to your own? They are very hot on things like that.

1. www.citizensadvice.org.uk › housing › lodging-andIf you want your lodger to move out - Citizens Advice
3. You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger, but you can get one if they’re refusing to move out. This would let you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave. You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, so you should decide if getting a court order is right for you.

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