To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Proof that they never had any interest in you, only in what they can take from you.

It’s more a case of she’s bringing her families dog as she still lives at home remember.

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

What? Can you tell us some more about this? I rented out my spare room for years when I had a mortgage, are you telling me I could have gone to prison for 5 years??

Google tells me that 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' hasn't been law since 2006, but I rented my spare room out before then.

They're offended because you set some boundaries and conditions, like a healthy person! They're sad that they couldn't walk all over you both! Their automatic response is to have a tantrum and threaten you both with silence! Very manipulative behaviour on their part.

Great ! Let them be deeply offended , family dynamics are complicated no doubt but at the end of the day those freeloaders can find another mug to put up with them .

winner Winner! Now stand firm

I’d call that a win! Enjoy your peace in your new house! They will be fine in the long run, nobody died from being miffed. Look after your dh op, it still must be hard for him

I would call this the best outcome!

So relieved to see your update. Not you just need to stand your ground, because I bet they will continue to try and manipulate you if you give them a chance.

Brilliant update OP. They were found out. That deeply offended feeling for most people would be called shame and embarrassment, but for them, probably anger that they can't control you both to suit their own interests. They were 1000 percent sponging and now they are using emotional manipulation to shift the blame instead of owning what they did. Horrible.

It wouldn't surprise me if they try to worm their way in to your lovely house and life again in future. Would avoid them like the plague. Feel sorry for your DH but you both sound like you've created a lovely secure family of your own.

Absolutely.
well done everyone.
stick to your guns.
enjoy your wonderful new home.

Exactly
it’s funny really.
what is their definition of sponging ?
they wanted you to provide a home / room/ electric/ water/ food / a barn/ horse food / vet bills/ dog food ,for someone with no income.

Thank goodness for that. That is a bullet well and truly dodged and, when she tries in two seconds to retract her decision not to come down, stick to your guns like a limpet. Horses are tricky grazers and require quite a bit of field maintenance ... I am guessing SIL would not be doing that. Nor any yard maintenance. I am guessing you are now in Cornwall (the mention of beach riding and suddenly becoming the most popular place for your in-laws to come and stay) - it's not so easy to find horse based jobs down here as quite a lot of people are already doing it, so having your SIL and then your daughter find one isn't quite so simple and if your SIL is removed from the equation then that is one less person in competition.

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.

Good luck and I really, really hope you keep them out - I'd be sprinkling holy water round the perimeter and hanging a crucifix over the doors :)

That must have been very hard for your dh. I hope he is feeling ok. And well done both of you

Don’t be ridiculous, as if mortgage companies have the time to go after all homeowners have relatives to stay for a length of time
Many many people around the world put up relatives from time to time ( some contribute financially) and nothing happens, they are guests

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.

Noooooooooo!!!! None of this is the OP's problem to solve @WithoutACherryOnTheTop

Sounds like a win

There was a reason your husband left home at 17. His instincts were right then and I think you've both done the right thing now. 👏🏼

Very glad to hear that things are on hold for now. I hope they don't try again.
I think it was a mistake to keep saying that her horse could stay in the field/ barn (for free?) and to keep open the option of a future caravan. If the place you live in is their 'dream holiday destination' then surely they're likely to next decide that they want to install some kind of holiday cabin on your land?

On a separate note, I'm wondering why @llizzie keeps insisting that you'd need a court order to evict a lodger. This is definitely NOT the case for a lodger who lives with you inside your home (where there are communal rooms used by both of you - such as living rooms, kitchens etc), where they don't have exclusive possession of their bedroom (ie there's no legal reason why you cannot enter it).

Translation of the in-laws last message:

”How DARE you accuse us of sponging?! All we were doing was dumping your sister on you, demanding you build the stable of her dreams on your dime, cover all her living expenses and gradually move in with you ourselves! We weren’t going to sponge, we fully expected you to move out eventually and leave the place to us!”

I see they are following the script and adopting the position of the injured party. Therefore they never need to apologise and can bask in their sense of umbrage. Very predictable and unpleasant but definitely much better than them agreeing to the conditions and then reneging later. You would then have had SIL plus her horse (and any others she thought to acquire) fully dependent on you and not going anywhere.

I hope that your DH doesn’t take this posturing to heart. They are just furious to have been thwarted and SIL is disappointed that she can’t have exactly what she wants.

I suspect that the lure of the holiday location will draw them back when the dust settles. You might permit them by invitation and on your terms if you actually want to do so. Your DH shouldn’t apologise as it will just play into the old dynamic and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong! They might push for it though! I really commend you for sticking to your guns and clearly communicating to your DH. Also him for listening to you and taking action. It is incredibly difficult to stand up to your family and he got the best results given what he was dealing with.

Hope you're not too upset!

That is a fantastic result! I hope your DH is feeling OK, I know he is unlikely to see it this way.

Your poor DH. I hope he’s doing ok, it’s going to be hard having it laid out so bare for him even though it’s the right outcome.

Be prepared Op, your nasty Inlaws may see this as a stand off and be waiting for an apology, when they don't get it they'll try to take it out on your DH. He's done marvellously, don't let them get to him