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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
WendyA22 · 09/04/2025 22:54

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Every cloud...

CheeseeesyWotsits · 09/04/2025 22:54

Well done OP and husband. Big relief.

You can sleep well tonight.

Streaaa · 09/04/2025 23:04

What a fantastic result.
Take the space and reflect on the narrow escape you have had.
Thank goodness for that.

Silverstars21 · 09/04/2025 23:12

Please don't worry. They will eventually understand it's the best decision for all concerned. 😊

Ohnobackagain · 09/04/2025 23:19

@Sp3849 may not feel like it to your DH now but he (and you) had a very lucky escape. But you know that. They were using him to sort out his sister. And using your hard work getting your house in order, too.

Stand firm and don’t re-offer the caravan either - she’ll wiggle in to your lives and be a nightmare!

Absolutemelt · 09/04/2025 23:31

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

Best answer

FrippEnos · 09/04/2025 23:33

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, this is the best result that you could get.
Just be careful when they start contact again, as this will be weaponised.

BobbySox71 · 09/04/2025 23:35

Talkinrubbishagain · 09/04/2025 20:26

As a ‘horsey’ person , you will find that there are plenty of people / children very willing to help out and advise. Your daughter will soon make friends. She doesn’t need her Aunt.

I agree, even if the op has to hire a trainer to help with dd and pony it will be easier and cheaper in the long run. I haven’t read all the replies but I’m sure the op is not new to horses herself and is not going in blind either. Trust your instincts, have a good vet who will advise you on worming programs , nutrition etc and an outside trainer for everything else.

llizzie · 09/04/2025 23:51

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

What a relief that must be for you. Offended? I doubt it.

llizzie · 09/04/2025 23:53

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

Show quote history

You couldn't be more wrong. I put my experience on my post. Why you should think I am wrong shows that you are just spiteful.

If you have a mortgage, ask the lender if you can move someone in. Then ask your house insurers the same thing.

montelbano · 10/04/2025 01:34

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, OP. Seems like all their best laid plans have come to naught. They now have to continue to support their now jobless daughter. Serves them right for trying to bulldoze you and your DP.
I would spend a few hours redecorating your spare room to your taste. Do you know if they have keys to your home? If they do, I would change the locks just as a precaution,
Have an enjoyable, peaceful Easter in your new home.

LAMPS1 · 10/04/2025 03:29

they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us
They absolutely WERE sponging off you. Typical reaction of a bully to play the victim once their bad behaviour is objected to. They can be deeply offended all they like but they are still quids in at the bank after you have paid for all their meals weekend after weekend and after doing fencing work for SIL’s horse etc.
Furthermore, they would have continued to sponge off you had DH not put a halt to it. Good for you both.

and would rather not speak to us for a while.
Yes because they need to get over their deep shame but haven’t got the humility to even recognise it or to apologise for having taken you for granted. Instead they are sulking because it’s easier to pretend to feel wronged - and hoping their son will cave in, forget how they have wronged him in the past and apologise for upsetting them. Absolutely not.

There has definitely been a shift in the balance of power now they have thrown their toys out of the pram. Your husband now has the upper hand and can make the decisions as to if and when to invite them, -after a decent interval of them licking their wounds.
Between you, you can decide how it’s going to be with them in the future and what sort of relationship you have with them. You can now lay down the boundaries and make sure they stick to them. Rightly so.

I think you have dodged a bullet with SIL though. She needs serious help to become independent and you have enough on your hands at home to take her on. It’s very clear her parents were delighted to be offloading her onto you so that’s an excellent result that they have withdrawn their offer to sponge off you even more!

WiddlinDiddlin · 10/04/2025 03:56

Result!

But yeah, they're deeply upset that you've spotted their game, realised they are absolutely intending on freeloading off you with no real interest or care in you as people or a family.

So now they can't play that game, they're off. Good riddance to 'em!

Xcellentaligat · 10/04/2025 04:05

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, that couldn’t have worked out any better. 👏

Livingbytheocean · 10/04/2025 04:56

It just goes to show that all of their pretend interest suddenly was self serving. They only wanted to see you for their own benefit. Anyone else would have apologised for the misunderstanding and offered reassurance thst your decision is fine with them. It’s extraordinary that they have decided not to speak to you for ‘a while’; Now theyvare trying to punish you both for your defiance!

Leave them to it - they can come crawling back when they have finished their tantrum. Astonishingly poor behaviour from people that should know better.

I hope dh feels okay, it’s really miserable having manipulative and toxic parents, how disappointing for him that they have behaved so poorly.

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 04:56

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

For ‘offended’ read ‘embarrassed to have been caught out in their CFery’.
Great result. Let them stew.
If a relationship with them re-develops you (as a family) will be in a much better position to uphold boundaries and make sure it works for you.

👏👏👏👏

TheMerryWidow1 · 10/04/2025 05:24

Of course they were sponging off you, sister gave up her job! Who did she think would pay for her if she wasn’t working. Great result op, enjoy your home and family xx

Willandra · 10/04/2025 05:26

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Awesome! Great result.

They are right about one thing, there is no need to insinuate they are spongers. They are spongers. Dickheads.

And now they are not speaking to you? Good, back to normal, just like before when you didn't have a place they wanted to sponge off, then?

God, I'd be sending them a box full of sponges.

WooleyMunky · 10/04/2025 05:51

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

Show quote history

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

MeAndMyGhost · 10/04/2025 06:32

Result! And breathe.

You must feel as if a weight has been lifted.

MaggieBsBoat · 10/04/2025 06:55

I am very proud of you and DH. This is like a masterclass in dealing with CFers. You and DH could do an AMA, we are CFer whisperers. Well done!

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2025 07:00

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Oh no! I bet you're gutted! What a great outcome. Your SIL isn't moving in and your in-laws aren't speaking to you. Well done!

Thoughtsonstuff · 10/04/2025 07:01

What does your DH feel about this? Is he OK?

It does expose their true motives though. You laid down some perfectly reasonable and sensible ground rules that any normal person would to protect themselves and their reaction is to not speak to you any more; presumably the real reason is that you aren't any use to them if you aren't providing the house. It's very sad for your DH to have those sorts of parents but it's probably for the best that they don't get too involved in your lives.

Edit. That is hilarious though that she isn't coming because you said it could only be for 6 months, that she needed a job and that she had to do her own washing and cook her own food. Age 30. The plan really was that she was going to be sponging off you!!!! For ever!!

Thoughtsonstuff · 10/04/2025 07:05

WooleyMunky · 10/04/2025 05:51

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

Show quote history

Which country are you in? Are you just muddled up with tax avoidance?

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 07:11

Brilliant news OP! Is your DH relieved too?