Page 18 | To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

Sp3849 · 2025-04-06T21:25:52+00:00

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years. However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them. However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc. Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever. The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out. I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

ApocalypseNowt · 09/04/2025 11:06

I wouldn't let her move in at all.

On the off chance she does get a job, I'd put money on her quitting as soon as she's moved in and got her feet under the table.

shewasasaint · 09/04/2025 11:20

ApocalypseNowt · 09/04/2025 11:06

I wouldn't let her move in at all.

On the off chance she does get a job, I'd put money on her quitting as soon as she's moved in and got her feet under the table.

I was about to post exactly the same.

JustMy2Pennith · 09/04/2025 13:20

If she can afford a horse she can afford a static caravan to put on your land for x amount of time. Make it 3 months absolute tops. Make her only agree to move if she agrees its 3 months and she'll need to be looking for a job and her own place while she's at yours. Ask her how she plans to support herself. Youll need a contribution to food and bills and she'll obviously have to pay for her own horse. You can still say no to the dog, as it wasnt part of the original deal. This seems like a reasonable compromise. BUT if you dont think shes capable of this then you all need to discuss a timeframe, if shes never lived away from her parents before and is dependent on her mum and sister and you fear they all come as a package then youll just have to have a transparent and firm dialogue about boundaries and expectations.

NavyTurtle · 09/04/2025 14:01

How I detest weak people. Tell her its now a no - end of , no discussion. I bet if you took charge and booted her out, he will be very grateful.

chaosmaker · 09/04/2025 16:26

I'm so glad he's stood up to them and read them the riot act. It probably would do his sister good to get away from the family but as you said, on your terms.

Eastertidings · 09/04/2025 17:01

VaddaABeetch · 08/04/2025 18:45

I’d still be wary of the short stay. These people are like vampires, they have to be invited in & then they won’t leave until they suck the life out of you.

I know it’s hard as your husband has FOG but you’re now in a negotiation as to what you will give away with nothing in return.

A few people mentioning this or similar.

It's more than a short stay he's offered.

He's offered a short stay in their home for 6 months. Then after that she has to have obtained planning consent for a caravan etc, have obtained a caravan, solar panels too as her only form of electricity etc and can live with her horse on their land. They're not telling her to leave the property after 6 months, only to leave the spare room.

I think that the above only looks like a good deal because OP and DH are comparing it to everyone (SIL/PIL/dog) effectively living in their house forever, and barn alterations at the OP/OPs DHs expense for SIL so she can run a business from their home.

Compared to OP and her family having full use of their own home and land without any disinterested family freeloading off them, what they've offered isn't actually a good deal for them at all.

KittenPause · 09/04/2025 17:11

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:32

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

If the sister had any decency about her she’d surely get the message and not move into your home and sort out her own life like any other adult

I’d be far too embarrassed to move in with my DB after being called out for being a CF along with the rest of my family.

not that I’d ever behave like this lot

they’re awful

WildfirePonie · 09/04/2025 17:24

I wouldn't let her bring her horse if she does manage to find a job. She can bring her horse once she's moved out.

diddl · 09/04/2025 17:32

ow is she planning to fund herself & her horse & dog until she gets a job?

Where is her horse currently?

llizzie · 09/04/2025 19:49

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:58

Well they weren't happy. His mother and sister did not take it very well. They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that. She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit so yeah that went down like a sh!t sandwich. They continued to try but he stood his ground. They were going to have a chat his mum mentioned her funding the caravan if they can get planning. Hubby just said well if she can't she can go rent somewhere or stay home. Sis was whining about she had quite her job. Hubby pointed out that had she spoken to us about it first or even involved is in her plans then she would have known not to quit her job. It all ended quite awkwardly.

With apologies if I missed it, but do you have a mortgage on the property?

If you do, your mortgage lender will not allow you to have lodgers or tenants without their express permission.

If you do not have a mortgage, perhaps you could apply for a small one and tell the SIL that she cannot move in while a mortgage loan is pending.

It could settle the problem for now. If you don't have a mortgage and you allow your SIL to move in as a lodger you will not be able to get rid of her without a court order if she stays longer than the agreement.

If you do have a mortgage, tell her that the lender refuses to give permission (lie if you have to) in case the lodger refuses to leave and their investment in you property is at risk.

You will have to seek the permission of your house insurance, because she needs to be covered on the house policy for liability. Your insurance will go up. They will not insure her possessions.

You have those ways to tell her NO. Use them.

I am disabled, and have had to ask permission in case my carer has to stay overnight. Even that cannot be done without permission.

Also, I had to seek permission from my house insurers, and they stipulate that I cannot have a lodger to live in and charge rent. It has to be no payment changes hands.

Talkinrubbishagain · 09/04/2025 20:26

As a ‘horsey’ person , you will find that there are plenty of people / children very willing to help out and advise. Your daughter will soon make friends. She doesn’t need her Aunt.

Streaaa · 09/04/2025 20:37

Once people like this get in the door, THEY decide when whey leave, not you.

This will destroy your marriage if she stays with you.

You are out of your mind if you think you will have the power to stop them visiting her when ever they please.

MN is full of stories of family staying for a few weeks and it turning into two years, while they paid for everything.

At least you cannot say you weren't firmly warned that your family, home and marriage are in great peril.

Original poster

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

OP posts:

AstoriaWaldorfSalad · 09/04/2025 22:20

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Never Mind Oh Dear GIF by Harborne Web Design Ltd

Oh shame.

Squigglesandgiggles · 09/04/2025 22:24

they Are nuts

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:28

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:32

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

Well done to both you and your husband for being firm…..His parents took this girl out of school and now she seems like a very dependent girl who should not become your problem, her parents need to help her gain some confidence and independence in some other ways

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

llizzie · 09/04/2025 19:49

With apologies if I missed it, but do you have a mortgage on the property?

If you do, your mortgage lender will not allow you to have lodgers or tenants without their express permission.

If you do not have a mortgage, perhaps you could apply for a small one and tell the SIL that she cannot move in while a mortgage loan is pending.

It could settle the problem for now. If you don't have a mortgage and you allow your SIL to move in as a lodger you will not be able to get rid of her without a court order if she stays longer than the agreement.

If you do have a mortgage, tell her that the lender refuses to give permission (lie if you have to) in case the lodger refuses to leave and their investment in you property is at risk.

You will have to seek the permission of your house insurance, because she needs to be covered on the house policy for liability. Your insurance will go up. They will not insure her possessions.

You have those ways to tell her NO. Use them.

I am disabled, and have had to ask permission in case my carer has to stay overnight. Even that cannot be done without permission.

Also, I had to seek permission from my house insurers, and they stipulate that I cannot have a lodger to live in and charge rent. It has to be no payment changes hands.

Show quote history

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

Silvers11 · 09/04/2025 22:36

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

YAYYY!! Result. Well done to you and your DH for sticking to your guns @Sp3849 .

Don't back down if they change their minds again. They obviously think that them not wanting to speak to you for a while is a threat which will bring you both back into line. Sometimes we have to let Toxic family members go and accept that we can never have a decent relationship with them. I hope your husband can manage to do this without regret. With counselling if it would help him?

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2025 22:40

What wonderful news, enjoy your dream home!!

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 22:41

Result!

Offended they've been called out on their behaviour ... but take the win!

shewasasaint · 09/04/2025 22:41

Enjoy the peace, OP.

Tweedled · 09/04/2025 22:42

Hooray - and breathe OP.
You have your life back and your house back.
No more worries about that sponging lot and no more despair about how your lives were going to change massively and not for the best.
Well done, great teamwork from you and your husband.

rainingsnoring · 09/04/2025 22:47

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Great result! the spongers don't like the fact that you have called them out.

Doubledenim305 · 09/04/2025 22:50

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Wonderful news.
Problem sorted...that was a narrow escape!
Fantastic result.

MsDitsy · 09/04/2025 22:51

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Good result. I hope your husband can see thst this was an unhealthy relationship based on their greed. I'm absolutely certain the tension would have deeply affected your daughter. I hope you are relieved and don't start second guessing yourself, you really did do the right thing. I wish you all every happiness in your home.