To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

That's way beyond unacceptable! They are absolutely taking the proverbial. Put your foot right down!

Omg!
That would be a hard No from me!!
SIL is over stepping boundaries even with the caravan idea let alone living in your house!
what’s she moving from, is she freeloading off other family who are fed up with her?!
No to her moving herself and her horse in, and visits are by invite only!!

Don't let her move in,it you will never get rid of her.

If you are having problems before she's moved in, how do you think you'll be able to get her out?

You do realise that she is moving in forever. She isn’t intending on getting a job and at some point she will be expecting (and her parents insisting) that she is paid for all of the “help” she’s giving your daughter.

She's not going to sleep on it & change her mind. You'll have to change yours, tell them you've over extended & only agreed to a temporary arrangement in a caravan & this isn't what it looks like now.
They're welcome to visit when you mutually arrange it but.. & this is my favourite phrase..."it doesn't work for us" .

I've got second hand pride for your DH. It's really sad that they treated him that way, he definitely deserves better. Poor guy, he's taken some power back & created boundaries, it'll help him I think.

When I first read your update about your DH telling his family that their plans were cancelled, and laying down the law about what you were both prepared to accept, I was really pleased.

However, now I've given it some thought, I'm afraid I still think that allowing her to move in, even for 6 months, will leave you with some major problems later on. For example, will your DH be able to bring himself to MAKE his sister move out if she hasn't got a job, and got herself sorted out, or will he feel sorry for her, and try and talk you into allowing her to stay on after all?

In your shoes I think I would need to discuss the situation with him in more depth, and tell him, that on reflection, you're still not happy with the solution you've come up with, and the likely reasons it wont work, pointing out that the whole thing is only likely to cause friction in your marriage, especially if his sister doesn't stick to the agreed plan, and this could prove to be extremely detrimental to your own DD's wellbeing.

Point out that you've both worked incredibly hard to get the home of your dreams, and that if you agree to his sister coming to stay, you're scared that it will ruin not only how you feel about your new home, but also how you feel about him.

Finally, I think that like others have suggested, it will be far better for everyone concerned if you pay a professional to come in and teach your DD the things that she needs to know, as if things don't work out, it will be MUCH easier to fire an outsider, than it will be for you to get rid of his DS when she ends up taking over with the horses, etc., and upsetting your DD,

My now ex-wife moved her mother in with us 6 months after we got married. We were divorced within a year.

it’s a red line, the sister or you. Frankly the caravan was a joke, she’d have been in your bathroom every day having a shower.

Well done for standing firm @Sp3849

Hey, relatives we haven't bothered with forever have got a new big place we can go to for our holidays! Plus plenty of space for an extra one...

Defo too much but maybe the growing closer to his family is a benefit, albeit sudden because of your move.

Give boundaries for visits and moving in, firm.ones! Xx

That sounds like hell. I'm not overly obsessed with boundaries, but your dh needs some pronto.

It's your house too!

I feel really stressed just reading this. NO, NO, NO, it's only going to get worse. You've got to stop this NOW.

God you poor, poor woman. What a nightmare! Wishing you all the strength necessary to firmly stand your ground x

Glad your DH saw some sense.

I read your updates OP. What a mess. I hope the in-laws stop using you and your DH for their own motives, and learn to respect boundaries.

I'd say to SIL to move in, only when she has secured a new job in your area and pil can buy her a caravan, until then no way, it's bad news. Your poor husband being treated way he has his parents not interested in him or his family until now . I understand how he was delighted to have his family back In his life, but this is taking the piss. So sorry OP I hope it gets resolved

I was glad when I read your update. I’m glad both and hubby were brave enough to speak out. And FYI there’s almost no way that conversations like the one u had with in-laws won’t be awkward. Expect it and get over it. It does appear that your in-laws planned and even advised SIL to quit her job and that she should move in with you. The caravan idea was really a canary in the mine to see if you’d object. Because if it was seriously a consideration They would have done some research. So moving forward, stay firm, say no to everything no middle ground as they sound like selfish people. It is your( family) home and you guys should be able to enjoy it even if u want to keep the spare room empty. You can be firm in a kind and respectful manner. Here’s what I’ll do - Keep your voice low and monotone. Speak slowly so they hear your words. Just say it’s not going to work for your family. Dont defend or explain your stance( remember it’s your home). Say Exactly what u want to happen. It’s not gonna work. SIL and horse and dog et al cannot move in at this time. If they ask when can she. You’ll say - you and partner are discussing and will let them know when. But for now and immediate future it’s not an option. Don’t feel u have to explain your reasons cause they are just going to draw you into an argument.

Good Luck

However, now I've given it some thought, I'm afraid I still think that allowing her to move in, even for 6 months, will leave you with some major problems later on. For example, will your DH be able to bring himself to MAKE his sister move out if she hasn't got a job, and got herself sorted out, or will he feel sorry for her, and try and talk you into allowing her to stay on after all?

@BakelikeBertha i thought they’d agreed the SIL can’t move in until she gets a job? Which may mean it never actually happens?

Somehow you have to get it through to him before she moves in or your marriage is, well basically stuffed.
They sound like an horrible family taking a most unfair advantage of all your hard work and good fortune as though it’s a right and not to understand boundaries at all.
I’d show him this thread and it might just occur to him that his family’s behaviour is not normal and certainly not fair on you particularly and your own little family as a whole.
Or maybe he’s just too scared to stand up to them so being defensive when you challenge it and would prefer you to be the wicked witch of the west.
Good luck and fight for what’s precious to you. I’d be interested to know, six months on, how it’s all turned out.

Any updates, OP?

Good to see the sister has her priorities right, she has a horse but can't afford anywhere to live. This won't change and you will struggle to ask her to leave in the future. It would have been a firm no from me, but I would also have expected my husband to have discussed it before a decision was made.

As pps have pointed out, the horse probably has a lot to do with these manoeuvres. I wonder how much is being paid where the horse is being kept at the moment?
Horse owners without their own land or stable can be pretty focused on securing something economical. I was warned about approaching horse owners when I moved in. Sure enough they were very quick off the mark and I learned to bat them away gently.
I think that could be why your ILs acted so fast. They wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to get their horses onto your land first.
If you permit the horse to come then obviously it comes with SIL firmly attached. That will leave you wide open to emotional blackmail if you ever want to change the situation. It would be best if she changed her mind, however, you may also need to reconsider the generosity of your offer even as it stands. I do think that you are very kind people yourselves, which is lovely but it can be a vulnerability when it comes to dealing with more self interested people.

RTFT?

I don't think I've read anything quite so outrageous.
His family are squatting in your home.
It is utterly mind boggling.
You need to sit your very weak minded husband down , tell him his fortune, and if he will not comply then YOU ring his family and read them the rulebook.
And DO NOT let his sister move in.
You sound as though you've been far more patient than any of them deserve, I would have gone nuts at the static caravan stage.
Best of luck and don't let these parasites ruin everything you've slaved for.