Page 16 | To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

TreacleMoon · 08/04/2025 18:24

No way!!!
Nothing comes for free in life, for anyone! Set some rules with them right now, as a family you both need quality time with your daughter.
Please take the sage advice others here have given with experience of this situation.
Bite the bullet, tell them it won't work and get your life back, good luck!
You'll be fine.. 😊

BobbySox71 · 08/04/2025 18:31

Put your foot down now, not only is she looking at free board for herself is she going to pay livery for her horse. And it won’t end there, you’ll be paying for hay/straw and other costs like muck removal etc.
She wants what you have, what you have worked hard for.

Clariceamelia · 08/04/2025 18:36

OP, you could so easily seek someone reliable and experienced to come and livery with you - or even free of charge - in exchange for help with the horse(s) including theirs, who could also take your daughter under the wing and and without all the drama added misery of your sisterinlaw.
Agree with others, once in, never gone.....intolerable.

Just bite the bullett, tell the whole family its all off...you want your own space; they will be furious so expect that, and wait for round 2. Once you and your DH say the word 'NO' once - it will get easier.

JudgeJ · 08/04/2025 18:36

llizzie · 08/04/2025 17:52

You told him it would end your marriage. I would too.

MOVE OUT now, because as long as you allow them to impose on you, the longer they stay, the more it will be taken as you have accepted them, and if you have to use the law to make them leave, the law might say that you allowed the situation to develop.

You might be 'out of time' if you don't do something right now.

Show quote history

I would imagine that moving out would be a bad thing as it leaves the way open for the in-laws to come into the house to 'look after' the husband. Better that she stays put and gives him the strength to break ties with the awful family, they've never cared about him until he had something they wanted.

Lastgig · 08/04/2025 18:39

For lord's sake RTFT.

The ops husband has said no to the original idea. He's offered a compromise of a short stay.
You are getting inaccurate legal advice from posters like @llizzie You SIL will be a lodger only. Not a tenant. No right of occupancy.

TonTonMacoute · 08/04/2025 18:44

The sheer entitlement and brass neck of your in laws is quite breathtaking, thank goodness he saw it in time and took a stand. They sound bonkers frankly. You would have ended up in the caravan while in laws moshed into your house by the sound of it!

Stay strong, and absolutely make them stick to your rules - no arguments!

VaddaABeetch · 08/04/2025 18:45

I’d still be wary of the short stay. These people are like vampires, they have to be invited in & then they won’t leave until they suck the life out of you.

I know it’s hard as your husband has FOG but you’re now in a negotiation as to what you will give away with nothing in return.

WendyA22 · 08/04/2025 18:49

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Sounds like he's always been bullied by his family. If you already know it's not going to end well, you really need to be putting your foot down now. Say what you've said here. Show them everyone's replies (especially ones who advice you sleep in the spare room!)

If you wait until the sister (then mum and dad) are in, you won't get them back out. It's worth a big row now with your husband, rather than a few through the divorce courts later.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 08/04/2025 18:50

llizzie · 08/04/2025 18:06

Is this wise?

You have made it possible for her to move in. That is it! You may think you have given her a time to stay then leave, but if isn't as easy as that.

Once you charge a contribution from her, it is counted as rent, unless you register it legally as being living expenses. Once you charge her, she is a tenant, whether in that word or not, it means the same. Without a rental agreement it is possible that she could stay for as long as she wants, and you will never be ride. I wonder, too, if your DH might be taxed on rental income and board for the horse.

It seems to me that she planned it all as soon as you bought the house. It is something many people who buy a smallholding, with a field, stable, barn and all that, dread. I had the same, but fortunately my children were the only horse riders in the family, and it was too far away for frequent visits.

It is impossible to find such places now, and too costly to keep. She may be a skilled horse woman, and may have lots of advice. Buy it from someone else. It will be a lot cheaper. She will never find anywhere else for her and her horse.

In the current cost of living climate, you could well have made a rod for your back. You must stop, before it goes to far.

I think you should have sought out a solicitor and asked for a legal opinion.

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She’s not a tenant, she’s a lodger. She has no right of occupancy and can be asked to leave at any time. If OP absolutely has to do it I would formalise it with a lodgers agreement drawn up by a legal professional. But in the main l agree with you. I would insist on the whole thing being called off or the marriage is at an end. To do anything like this on a verbal agreement and expect long time piss takers to honour it is folly.

Judecb · 08/04/2025 18:50

Set VERY strict boundaries.....and make your sure your husband is on side!

WendyA22 · 08/04/2025 18:54

Judecb · 08/04/2025 18:50

Set VERY strict boundaries.....and make your sure your husband is on side!

I think saying no before she moves in might be best. Your husband seems to be having a lot of conversations with them without you! Put your foot down now and suggest she finds the money for the static caravan after all

CampingCats · 08/04/2025 19:04

The likelihood of getting planning permission to site a static caravan is very low. I was on a local planning committee for a long time and these applications were always denied unless you were house building and then they were only given temporary permission for a limited time.
So with that in mind, I would definitely not let her move in as she is vanishingly unlikely to be able to live on your land but not in your house.

llizzie · 08/04/2025 19:04

Lastgig · 08/04/2025 18:39

For lord's sake RTFT.

The ops husband has said no to the original idea. He's offered a compromise of a short stay.
You are getting inaccurate legal advice from posters like @llizzie You SIL will be a lodger only. Not a tenant. No right of occupancy.

The only legal advice I gave was to consult a solicitor.

Everything else was personal experience.

Evilwitchwhoroams · 08/04/2025 19:06

Obvnotthegolden · 06/04/2025 22:47

This is awful, you're like a lobster being slowly boiled and you don't even see it.

The caravan idea was a test, why would she bother to do that when you agreed so easily.

Don't let her move in, the whole family are users and your DH is enabling him to the detriment of the rest of you.

This!!!!!!

llizzie · 08/04/2025 19:11

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 08/04/2025 18:50

She’s not a tenant, she’s a lodger. She has no right of occupancy and can be asked to leave at any time. If OP absolutely has to do it I would formalise it with a lodgers agreement drawn up by a legal professional. But in the main l agree with you. I would insist on the whole thing being called off or the marriage is at an end. To do anything like this on a verbal agreement and expect long time piss takers to honour it is folly.

Edited

Show quote history

Written Notice to Quit:

Lodger Agreement: If you have a written lodger agreement, the notice period should be specified in that agreement.

No Written Agreement:
If there's no written agreement, you must provide "reasonable notice" to end the letting. This usually means the length of the rental payment period (e.g., one month if rent is paid monthly).

Form of Notice:
While notice can be given verbally, it's always best to give it in writing to avoid any disputes.

Following the Notice Period:

Lodger Leaves: If the lodger leaves by the date specified in the notice, the process is complete.

Lodger Refuses to Leave:
If the lodger refuses to leave after the notice period, you'll need to get a court order to evict them.

JustMeAndTheFish · 08/04/2025 19:20

The answer was yes before even reading your post.

laraitopbanana · 08/04/2025 19:26

Hi,

back off the sister moving in now, hurry, BECAUSE of the set of financial support expected…for her horse. How do you think it will be for her??
Also, if the sis moves in, the in laws will come in anytime the week as she will offer access to them. Do not think that she will ask… not only the house, she will offer access to your daughter.

it is bad news written all over the place. Cancel, cancel, cancel.

I am really thinking, your hubby kind did u one here. He knew perfectly they would just do that and he was desperate to get it. He will probably not back out the in laws there every week…he finally got mum and dad’s attention. No way he will leave that.

Good luck op.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 08/04/2025 19:41

Ooooft! This is a loaded gun! You're DH has got himself into this situation. He now has to put it right! Tell him,no one is moving into your home or onto your land. It won't work. Time to choose! It's you or them. Tell him if you are forced into leaving then undoubtedly the new property will need to be sold to give you both a modest place to live. You have to be firm on this. Is there somewhere you could stay even short term to give you both thinking space. ? It's a difficult situation but stand firm

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 19:44

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

He should have consulted you before telling her she could move in so now he needs to be the one to tell her there is a time limit on it and this needs to be said to her before she moves in, can HE also look at rentals / spare rooms / house shares in the area to get an idea if anything exists that would be suitable for her, also make a plan for the spare room so that it is not so readily available for guests

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/04/2025 19:47

IF she does come to stay temporarily (and hopefully seeing its not the free ride she was hoping for, she won't)...

Start out as you mean to go on - like she's a young teenager tbh - don't ASK her to do things, tell her. Don't let her be under any illusion as to what is expected of her wrt chores/jobs/financial responsibilities.

'We're ordering hay, how much do you need, I can only order it for you if you pay for it immediately'...

'You haven't paid for hay, so your horse doesn't get any and if I find haynets in her stable or field, I will remove them'.

She will think you'll be a soft touch about animals, don't be! 'If you can't pay to feed/take care of your horse you'll need to sign her over to us and we will sell her to repay your debts'.

Do not pussy foot around, put the fear of god into her that you absolutely will do this (I'd have her sign a contract that says she understands her horse will be taken to pay off her debts if necessary).

As the property/land owner, you carry some responsibility for the animals that live on it, even if they're not yours. So if her horse is starving/pathological feet/untreated medical issues and you're demonstrably aware of this or reasonably should have been... and do nothing, you can be in the shit. So make sure she can't land that on you!

perfectlyimperfectt · 08/04/2025 19:50

Unfortunately if you want your marriage to survive and to actually enjoy this dream house, you need to grow a backbone and put your foot down. Your husband also. This has divorce written all over it.

You need to act now before she moves in. Once she’s in, it’ll be 10x harder to remove her.

Doubledenim305 · 08/04/2025 19:51

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

Or don't have her on the land at all

Ladymeade · 08/04/2025 19:54

No no no and no again! OML.......

Gingerbreadmocha · 08/04/2025 19:54

Hum I have my horses at home with my daughter and I think this may be more about the SIL’s horse than has been said. Where is her horse kept now? I would guess she is paying a livery yard for a stable?

Finding a good yard with grazing and no horsey politics is difficult. Horses are expensive. It would not surprise me if this was about her finding a free long term stable and grazing for her horse. If that’s is a possibility be very careful she will not want to move her horse once it’s settled at yours.

As for helping your daughter I doubt that is the intention and it has the potential for the yard / horse area of your home to become SIL’s domain rather than your daughter’s as she is already calling the shots regarding fencing and the barn area.

This is the dream for most horsey people, PIL and SIL have seen the opportunity to live that lifestyle for free hence the rush to move both her and the horse in. The horse being with you will make it extra difficult to get her to move on after a while.

StoneofDestiny · 08/04/2025 20:14

What a nightmare. Personally I'd tell them you are putting your own home life, family and marriage first and cannot take on board anything or anyone else. Remind them when they lived close by they showed no interest in you or your family. I know you have a compromise of sorts, but I'd worry if one step is put over your threshold it will be permanent. Imagine how you get your SIL to leave after 6 months!