To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP and your DH
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Despite doing so well, please don't trust these people.

Keep reminding yourselves that when you were close by they had no interest in any of you.

This is clearly all about his sister living off you and using you.

Be very very careful they don't decide to push ahead with their plans and just ignore what has been said.

That is what vile cheeky fxxkers do.
Focus on what they want to happen and ignore anything anyone sayes to contradict their plan.

They are bullys so be prepared.
These people have brought NOTHING to your life to date, why would you imagine they will now.

Protect your child from allowing them to destroy your family, marriage and home.

Do your neighbours want someone living in a caravan near them?
You could rightly be reported for this.
Check it out first.
Perhaps you can kill it altogether with the council saying no to it.

So clearly they are setting you and your husband up as her carer.
Can you really not see that?
They are vile users.
Please wake up.
This is about her future care.

100%. Despite being able to work and look after horses, she's somehow incapable of looking after herself.

She's used to being a dependent, her money is fun money. She was, in fact they all were, fully expecting to transfer her dependency over to your DH (and you).

They don't want you. They want what you've got, and what you worked hard for. Only difference is they want to take it for free.

Totally agree with this. The fact that she quit her job so she could come and live with you and contribute absolutely nothing is astounding!

Well done to you and DH for putting a stop to it

Oh and another thing.
If she comes and your marriage falls apart and the house has to be sold, your husband will be left as carer for his sister for life.

I suspect his parents will sell up quickly, trade down the minute she has moved in with you.

I mean it kindly but ye are spectacularly naive to their motives.

When you were close by they never bothered with you and your child.

This is 100% about securing two mugs for their daughter to live off.

Protect your daughter.
Keep these people away.

Your naivety will be your undoing.
Harden up fast.

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I wonder what's the age difference between husband and sister? If this woman (not 'girl' - stay focussed, she's an adult of 30!) was 9 when they pulled her, that would have been around 2004 ish. Was he already in the hostel then?

Are they older parents?

There's also a bit of a 'tag - you're it!' feel to this; them palming her off on you both in a smooth transition to a new set of parents.

And I think you mentioned there's another daughter - if so, might they have had plans for her, too? Adding her to the little free commune in the country?

I hope you have your own family and friends to rely on, an example of what normality looks like and what you want to create for your own child.

At least your husband has been gifted a great example of what not to do as a parent.

If you've not seen The Big Bang Theory, I think Leonard's strained relationship with his chilly user mother might be worth a look, especially the final few episodes where he finally stands up and forgives her.

Well done to your DH - please help him to find some counselling for his damaging childhood - it'll help him husband and dad better.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/from-pain-to-healing-growing-up-in-a-dysfunctional-family

Please wake up OP - say no to his sister coming at all. She will move in by stealth. She will come and visit one weekend and not leave. You are being manipulated into feeling sorry for her. You and your DH are being lined up to be her carers and to be totally responsible for her and then after a few months or so when SIL is not coping, his parents will also move in to “support everyone”.

I was delighted to read your update OP, but still think the sister should not be coming at all. However if arriving is conditional upon her getting a job, then fingers crossed it might not happen?

I have to say this has taken a weird turn. The sister was pulled out of school and has spent twenty years smothered by the parents. No uni, no collage?
Are the deeply religious? I could not imagine a lad of 17 who has a family being so unhappy he lives in a hostel. A daughter who has not lived on her own at the age of 30.You definitely don't want his parents having any influence over your DC. They sound nuts.
Our job as parents is to give our children wings. Your DH seems to have a couple of control freeks as parents. Are they wealthy? I ask this purely as that's usually the next step in manipulating. They offer money for renovating or even a 'granny annex'. I fell for that one!
Thank god you don't live near them. How old are the parents? Are they looking at you caring for them later in life?
Your husband escaped this crackpot set up and he needs to build on that. I had therapy for alcohol dependancy but it uncovered my unhappy childhood. I was bullied and later in life sort approval and belonging.
I now concentrate on my nuclear family.

well done you and your dh.
expect him to be a little crabby and spiky the next few days. It’s not easy to stand up to the people you crave love and approval from.

Do you think she will cope in a caravan?I don’t she will be in your house before you know it .Good luck

As someone who loves having family and friends around all the time, this posts makes me feel strange

Yeah but would you like them all to live with you permanently?

I can identify with everything the O/P has posted Long story short SIL and BIL tried to foist an elderly relative off on to us, who we had little contact with for years as SIL and BIL excluded everyone and isolated relative, then got in touch years later expecting me to be a housekeeper/carer and my HB a chauffeur . they became aggressive and overbearing about it . We quickly shut all of this down even though I’m now labelled as a selfish bitch . We later found out that said relative had some potentially future serious health problems and had been sucked dry by SIL and BIL before they decided to try and dump .Good that the O/P has nipped this in the bud . Dont worry about being disliked they already do dislike you . Outsiders won’t care as it’s not happening to them and doesn't affect them so don’t worry about what others think . Good luck .

It's really unfair how this was a gradually slippery slope into having an unpaid lodger. A word of warning my cousin did the same and her sister in law moved in for five years! Decided to retrain and do a master while living with them rent free as she could afford to! My cousin cooked dinner for her every night - her SIL basically had five years of guest level hospitality. As my cousin is a SAHM to older primary age kids I think she felt she didn't have as much say as her husband over the finances.

I think the caravan was a really fair offer and totally different to staying in the house with you. You need a spare room for your one family and friends.

@Sp3849 So DH's parents have screwed up at least two of their DC then! 😡 As others have written, please be careful how you proceed and maintain your terms and requirements of SIL. I do understand you feeling sorry for SIL, but some of us have extended the hand of kindness to someone we've felt sorry for and had it well and truly bitten off! As the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished".

What a family you've married into !

Ps for context I've asked to stay over for ONE NIGHT once in my brother and sister in laws house as I was doing a training course starting early never near their house and they said no as they don't like guests on school/work nights

I hope it all works out for you. The best outcome would be if she didn’t come at all. I worry that, if she comes, you’ll not be able to get rid of her.

What works are we living in where carrying and sharing with the family is so frown upon?

That was my reaction also tbh.

Good luck on getting her out when her time is up!

Op make sure to check legalities with the caravan so she doesn't have a claim to land it on (tbh not sure that's a thing but worth double checking)

I think when it's welcomed, agreed and reciprocal, that's fine.... but as you point put, op and her DH will be doing all the carrying!

You are going to be paying an absolute fortune for her horse - and you know this if you are horsey. The inevitable vet's bills were the reason I eventually gave up riding and horse ownership!

You need to put an end to this, they've obviously decided she's moving in to live with you because it's more convenient for her to keep her horse there for free as well as living with you for free. You've had no say in it! You all need to grow a pair and say no. The static caravan idea was OK but still taking the piss horse-wise, but she's never leaving once she moves in.

Well if the sister hadn't been daft enough to give up her job she wouldn't be needing to get back on her feet!