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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/04/2025 11:01

I think some posters need to read the OP's updates.

FrippEnos · 08/04/2025 11:11

@Sp3849

A good result for you.
I am of the same belief as the person upthread that said as soon as she moved in the In-laws would be away in the dust..

rainingsnoring · 08/04/2025 11:42

Stay strong @Sp3849. Do not waver!

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 08/04/2025 12:18

Sp3849 · 08/04/2025 07:59

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence. The girl has no confidence and a ball of anxiety I feel sorry for her it's why I agreed to the caravan. She has not had the chance to have a life. But with her comes them. The stories I could tell you about the things they have done!

They sound bonkers, but she can’t really use you all as a crutch.

I wonder if as they’re aging they’re trying to pawn her off to her brother’s care?

TammyJones · 08/04/2025 12:20

Streaaa · 08/04/2025 08:09

So clearly they are setting you and your husband up as her carer.
Can you really not see that?
They are vile users.
Please wake up.
This is about her future care.

Show quote history

I’m actually starting to feel very sorry for sil.
no of course she shouldn’t move in, but sounds like they rule her life.
To smother a child to the point they have no autonomy.
it’s very sad.

TammyJones · 08/04/2025 12:29

RealEagle · 08/04/2025 09:14

Do you think she will cope in a caravan?I don’t she will be in your house before you know it .Good luck

Show quote history

Agree.
if on the off chance she does get a job, I think that another ‘rethink’ has occurred and the offer recalled
dh will be stronger then.
you really don’t want another woman in your kitchen- you have enough on.
especially with your dd, ds and your dh’s ongoing therapy

Willandra · 08/04/2025 12:35

Wonderful he stood up to them!!! And you too.

I hope she changes her mind and doesn't come.

Mumof2heroes · 08/04/2025 13:28

Wow, I don't know you but I'm so proud of you and your husband 👏

Mochynpinc · 08/04/2025 13:28

FailedArtist · 08/04/2025 09:56

What works are we living in where carrying and sharing with the family is so frown upon?

An equal one.

where both parties share, not just one. And both parties want to share.

family members grouping together to take advantage of another family member is obviously not sharing. Alarming you can’t see that. Are you the mil?!

Ineedcoffee2021 · 08/04/2025 13:33

Streaaa · 08/04/2025 08:09

So clearly they are setting you and your husband up as her carer.
Can you really not see that?
They are vile users.
Please wake up.
This is about her future care.

Show quote history

100% Agree

krustykittens · 08/04/2025 13:52

FailedArtist · 08/04/2025 09:56

What works are we living in where carrying and sharing with the family is so frown upon?

Moving into someone else's house by stealth, giving up you job and expecting them to foot all your bills without even telling them about it, is not called sharing. It's more like a mugging.

Hfjfjfjfjfj · 08/04/2025 15:39

AngelicKaty · 08/04/2025 09:45

@Sp3849 So DH's parents have screwed up at least two of their DC then! 😡 As others have written, please be careful how you proceed and maintain your terms and requirements of SIL. I do understand you feeling sorry for SIL, but some of us have extended the hand of kindness to someone we've felt sorry for and had it well and truly bitten off! As the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished".

This is unfortunately important.

PIL have done similar. There is also in our case some significant mental illness. SIL (mid 40s) who lives wirh PIL has spoken very inappropriately to DC and caused serious problems. DH did not stand against it in our case.

Vye1988 · 08/04/2025 17:31

Exhausting! Not a chance in hell would I be letting this happen. I have some minor sympathy (which I feel you do too), he clearly longs for a close relationship with his family, however you can see they are absolutely abusing him, your home, hospitality, kindness and naivety.
I would initially be a tad gentle (one more conversation) with your husband, acknowledging he probably doesnt want to accept he is being used, but after that if he did not accept the truth I would be moving to my dads! Sister would not be moving in at all and overnight stays limited to when is convenient for you (if you want them at all)

Genevieva · 08/04/2025 17:39

Sp3849 · 08/04/2025 07:59

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence. The girl has no confidence and a ball of anxiety I feel sorry for her it's why I agreed to the caravan. She has not had the chance to have a life. But with her comes them. The stories I could tell you about the things they have done!

That’s extreme. And, for me, that history would be a deal breaker in itself. It’s not your job to cut the apron strings and they won’t let you. She will overstay and they will keep visiting uninvited. You have made a generous offer. They have pushed back. The deal now needs to be off.

petmad · 08/04/2025 17:45

They stay at weekends start invoicing them for their stay or suggest a b and b the sister needs to get a job the hubby needs to grab a pair and tell them this is unaceptable

llizzie · 08/04/2025 17:52

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 07:04

Well in the conversation we had last night I did tell him straight. Pointed out that they only want to know now for what we have. I did tell him this would end our marriage. We are far from rich. We have worked so hard and made alot of sacrifices for this my son included and it was all for our daughter. She has a learning difficulty and finds school extremely difficult even with one to one. She has a processing disorder and can't retain written information. Horses are her thing and we wanted to give her the opportunity and show her she can have her own business and work with horses and basically give her the foundation ls too do that. I know he is hoping his sister can help her, which she could and I was happy with the static idea. But obviously that takes time it needs planning a septic tank and water. I thought she would do that in timey in laws were supposed be funding it. My in laws two girls are there golden children. They are alot younger. My husband never had a good childhood he moved into a hostel at 17 to get out. They have been truly vile over the years. But any time they show him a shred of interest he clings to it. I get it. He just wants them to be his parents.

You told him it would end your marriage. I would too.

MOVE OUT now, because as long as you allow them to impose on you, the longer they stay, the more it will be taken as you have accepted them, and if you have to use the law to make them leave, the law might say that you allowed the situation to develop.

You might be 'out of time' if you don't do something right now.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 08/04/2025 17:54

Oh god, use your voice woman. Lock the door and make it uncomfortable as fuck.

llizzie · 08/04/2025 18:06

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:32

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

Is this wise?

You have made it possible for her to move in. That is it! You may think you have given her a time to stay then leave, but if isn't as easy as that.

Once you charge a contribution from her, it is counted as rent, unless you register it legally as being living expenses. Once you charge her, she is a tenant, whether in that word or not, it means the same. Without a rental agreement it is possible that she could stay for as long as she wants, and you will never be ride. I wonder, too, if your DH might be taxed on rental income and board for the horse.

It seems to me that she planned it all as soon as you bought the house. It is something many people who buy a smallholding, with a field, stable, barn and all that, dread. I had the same, but fortunately my children were the only horse riders in the family, and it was too far away for frequent visits.

It is impossible to find such places now, and too costly to keep. She may be a skilled horse woman, and may have lots of advice. Buy it from someone else. It will be a lot cheaper. She will never find anywhere else for her and her horse.

In the current cost of living climate, you could well have made a rod for your back. You must stop, before it goes to far.

I think you should have sought out a solicitor and asked for a legal opinion.

OldScribbler · 08/04/2025 18:12

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

This is the moment you deliver your "Much as we love and appreciate (whatever you can claim to love and appreciate about her/the family) this is not a good idea.because as I'm sure you realise that (why it's a stupid idea). But of course we we are more than happy to (the absolute most you are willing to put up with)"

Snakebite61 · 08/04/2025 18:13

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

Tell him it's her or you.

Candykatie · 08/04/2025 18:14

I'm sorry but the husbands got his head in the sand!! You may need to really put your foot down, otherwise tell him you will move out with the kids..... Even if it's just until the sister moves out, and he learns to look up and see what he can lose by not standing up to them

Crazyworldmum · 08/04/2025 18:14

Put a stop to this now before it goes even further . As in now. Pick the phone up and tell her it’s to my u to have the house full and that you need alone time with your husband and child . They will be upset but what’s the worse that can happen, you won’t see them for a long time . Win win

Daisyhon · 08/04/2025 18:16

I am always amazed how people can be manipulated by family members . Your husband needs to grow a backbone & tell the sister to get lost . If you allow her to move in , your marriage will be toast . Sounds like it was her plan all along to quit her job & live rent free . Your husband should realise that his main loyalties should be towards his wife & child .

Buffs · 08/04/2025 18:20

SAY NO AND SAY IT NOW

Teddybear23 · 08/04/2025 18:22

I don’t know your family situation but for instance just come out with ‘oh by the way my parents and brother and his family are all coming to stay for 3 months while their new house is finished’! See how he feels then?

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