To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Oh OP why on earth have you agreed to this? OMG you have given them all a way in when you should have shut the door. I am so sorry but this is far from over but I guess you will find that out.

I'm so glad he came through for you OP.

I was thinking of their wording earlier. It was all quite deliberately planned. The constant visits to prepare and the forcefulness of what those preparations should be is typical of emotional abuse in that it's designed for the victim to have no time or space to stop and think for a second. I'm sure if it wasn't for you, DH would have been caught up in this so hard and it would have happened faster than he could blink.

When they said SIL is "moving down your way" that was calculated misrepresentation in order to manipulate. How could she have any plans to move down your way when she had no job there, no place to stay and had just quit her job, so no income so no way she'd pass the financial checks from any landlord?

"Moving down your way" looks like keeping her job, taking two weeks annual leave, asking to stay with you for that time (just her, no horse/dog/PIL) and spending the time securing a flat share, a livery place for the horse and registering with temp agencies as a minimum. So she could return, give in her notice, pack up and move and come start her new life. There's no need for a caravan on your land or her horse in your fields. That's not "moving down your way", that's moving in. I agree with you OP, I'll bet she doesn't come now.

As for a fresh independent start, if she wanted that she could have done it in her current area. Nothing to stop her making moves to be independent in her current town and yet she's never done it. She never needed to come to your area to be independent. Bit of a shock to the system leaving the parents she's been so reliant on too. You'd think she'd prefer to become independent gradually under the circumstances and do it with them close by.

If they're planning on moving to their favourite holiday town too, ostensibly so they can see you all more, then it makes far more sense for SIL to move with them and then start building her independence in the new area, since they're happy to support her it's more of a safety net for her that way.

None of it adds up. The only way their actions adds up is if the whole lot of them had planned, from the beginning, to move into your home permanently and take it over. The sense of entitlement you've seen from them before they've even moved in would have multiplied tenfold once they were established at yours.

So in future don't trust anything they say, watch their actions instead, pull it all apart and question everything, because you've just had a taste of how lying and manipulative they can be.

Do you really believe that she/they will keep her/their word on anything, OP?

It's a shitstorm waiting to happen. And it will.

I hope you will keep your word. About divorcing, I mean. That will, too.

Your H must be feeling exhausted but vilified from making a stand.
He understands why he is at the crossroads, he has you & the life he has fought for.
Let them hunker down & blame you… its OK. Both you & DH know the truth.
& yes they will attempt flying monkeys & to corner him on his own.
Stand strong. Bravo

I've thought some more and I've finally crystallised why I don't like what they're doing, beyond recognising the general fact they're taking advantage of you.

So here's a hypothetical situation, using figures I've plucked from the air at random. That doesn't matter, whatever the true figures are, my point still stands. Here goes:

You look around at properties, you decide you need 10 acres. You find one for £800k. You get a 100% mortgage. So you've paid £800k for a property that's exactly what you need, 10 acres.

Then SIL puts a horse and caravan on 3 acres. So now the situation is you've paid £800k and you've only got use of 7 acres, not the 10 you decided you needed at the start.

So,
if you'd known from the start that SIL wanted housing by you,
and there'd been a property for £700k with 7 acres,
would you have bought that instead?

And then also taken out an extra £100k on the mortgage, using it to buy a flat in the nearest town for SIL to live in? An option that would have been better for you than a caravan on your land, because it wouldn't involve feeling like SIL is in your personal space so much.

It would have left you in a similar situation, £800k mortgage, you with 7 acres and SIL housed. Just in a different format.

Because if you wouldn't have done that, then why are you letting her have some of your land to use for horse plus caravan living, indefinitely?

Whether she pays anything for rent and livery fee is irrelevant to this point I'm making here. Either way, you've bought a proportion of property you can't use because you're letting her use it.

If she was a much loved sister, perhaps with problems not of her own making, like your DDs situation, then I could understand the sacrifice. But for someone who's disinterested in you and taking the piss? That, I don't understand.

Why? Different people have different needs.

That is great news OP! Ofc they won't like it and I expect will rain some more shit down on your heads but that is to be expected isn't it? If they were halfway decent people with genuine motives towards your daughter they'd have apologised profusely for overstepping and their lack of upfront communication but they're not so they didn't. He'll need to weather the storm but can rest easy knowing he's put his needs and those of his wife and children first.

Well done to your husband!!!

I suggest you go back to your post to use to prepare a large font bullet-pointed list to print and keep for reference!

If his parents abide by your rules, you should now have a run of 5/6 weekends to enjoy as a family and start settling in to your new area. I hope you have good locks and a door camera to deter uninvited visitors. The principle going forward should be that they ASK if they may visit and not just TELL you!

I am sure they are all furious with you both for thwarting their plans. GOOD! I hope the SIL is just too lazy to find a job and get things in place for a short time-limited stay at yours. No doubt his parents will regroup and try to wheedle/steamroller their way back to enjoy the fruits of your hard work but your husband's eyes seem to be open now as to their manipulations.

Re: the redecorated bedroom. Repainting it yourselves or changing it in some way would reassert your dominance and ownership of YOUR home.

There is glorious weather predicted for this coming weekend. I hope you all have a wonderful time together!

Glad they've been told now, but don't drop your guard yet. Families like that don't like hearing the word 'no', especially from members who aren't meant to answer back.

You and your DH (finally!) have handled this brilliantly!
Really, WELL DONE! xxx

Instead of strange you should be feeling incredibly grateful

That’s too much OP, before you know it PIL will expect to move in too. Put your foot down. good luck

Fantastic update - well done both of you 👏👏👏

You’ve saved yourselves and your marriage so much stress and heartache.

It’s awful how parasitic these ppl are. The assumption you’d take over housing and paying for her and her animals(!) and then there would be no grounds for refusing them to constantly visit (holiday) as they’d be technically visiting her, in your house.

Thank goodness your husband has stood up to them at last. It’s awful to acknowledge your family really don’t give a shit about you or that it is contractual. But once that is faced, it is a lot easier to feel better moving forward. You will al benefit from the lack of drama. Good luck enjoying the wonderful home you have all earned x

Just seen your updates! Well done to the pair of you! 💪 💪 💪

Fantastic update.

Something tells me she won't bother at all now she's realised she won't get the royal treatment she was expecting. I'm sure you'll be blamed for it all OP, as is usually the case.

Oh well. No great loss to the OP if she is blamed and cast off by the DILs. I'd be quite relieved.

Nah. It's chosing his own little family which is clearly the most important one. Which he has now done and well done to him.

Think you have both just saved your marriage there. It is clear DH family, who have a history of being vile, have not changed. It is just a new flavour of vile and have no respect or regard for him, you and your family. To just assume they can move in, get everything setup how they want it shows how entitled they are and how disrespectful to you.

Well done!

Well done dh! He must be hurting and that would have taken a lot to say it, especially as you say he’s wanted their approval for years. But he’s put you and this family unit first and stopped them using and abusing which is exactly what’s needed.

Oh thank god @Sp3849 this is just horrific and I’m so pleased that you and your husband have put on a united front. I’ve rarely been so angry on someone else’s behalf, how bloody dare they. Stand firm! Enjoy your beautiful home

Great update.
Stick to your guns.
I posted up thread about my freeloading family and friends when we had our big house, it never stopped and no money came our way.
When we sold the house everyone disappeared. I get your husbands need to belong but a lad of 17 living in a hostel who actually has a family is nuts. His sister at 30 who appears not to be able to stand on her own two feet smacks of a dysfunctional upbringing. Where are her friends, career etc. Did she not go to uni? I understand if she is SEN but she's not. She's just spoilt.
Your DH has you and your DC. Strengthen that unit by good communication. I bet you were really proud of him last night?
When you live near the coast you'll always have scroungers. My parents had a holiday home in Dorset and it was never empty. My parents were paying site fees and the freeloaders paid nowt.
PIL living with adult children rarely works. They take over. I had 18 years of it and it nearly cost me my marriage.
Make that spare room into your dressing room. Wheel in some clothes rails.
Get a couple of German shepherds/ JRT who only like your nuclear family!😂(you can set the dogs on them)
Your DD and your family are your priority and if you're the baddie so be it.
I'd be getting t shirts printed with ' my land, my rules'.
Keep us posted.

Just jumping on here to say a huge "Well done!" to you and your husband. I know from experience how difficult it can be to communicate with a highly manipulative family.

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence. The girl has no confidence and a ball of anxiety I feel sorry for her it's why I agreed to the caravan. She has not had the chance to have a life. But with her comes them. The stories I could tell you about the things they have done!