To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP, call Women's aid because this reads as highly abusive of you.
His family are taking over YOUR home and you have no say.
Take this very very seriously.
This is a set up.

I agree with this.

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

Its not a hard choice if you had a normal upbringing.
If he had a normal upbringing this wouldn't be happening.
It sounds like he is suffering from FOG, and a desire for their approval.

Hopefully her horse, dog and herself will never appear again on your land.

Well done …that’s excellent team work!
Extra hard on DH, given his need to have them love him. But he has you behind him and he saw sense at last. I’m sure he’s grateful for your strength and clarity.
Let’s hope it was all a storm in a teacup now SIL has to stop and think about the seriousness of her situation.

@Sp3849Wow well done Mr Sp3849! Please share with us what their response was… 🙏

@Sp3849 Well done OP. This all sounds entirely fair without you saying an outright "no". May I suggest you copy and paste your latest update into a note on your phone so you can keep it to refer to if SIL fails to comply with any of your terms at any time, which will enable you to say "No SIL, that is not what we agreed, you are meant to do xyz ...". Although, as you say, maybe all this will be too much and she will just forget it (in which case, GREAT, and I hope the way her room's decorated is also to your taste! 😉😂 )

That is an amazing update @Sp3849 Well done to your husband for being able to speak to his family and call them out on their behaviour. You offer is still incredibly generous and tbh does make me feel a little nervous, however, it is a huge step forward. At least they know now that you are not going to completely be walked over. Well done to you too for standing up for your own family.

Glad that you and your DH are on the same page OP.

Hopefully the sister will decide not to move in after all.

Well done for getting your DH to stand up to them, and well done to him for doing so - albeit belatedly. What did the in-laws say to the new ground rules by the way? Did they agree or try to argue back?

Well done! You must be quite proud of him at the moment op :)

Well they weren't happy. His mother and sister did not take it very well. They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that. She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit so yeah that went down like a sh!t sandwich. They continued to try but he stood his ground. They were going to have a chat his mum mentioned her funding the caravan if they can get planning. Hubby just said well if she can't she can go rent somewhere or stay home. Sis was whining about she had quite her job. Hubby pointed out that had she spoken to us about it first or even involved is in her plans then she would have known not to quit her job. It all ended quite awkwardly.

Nothing to add, except “bloody well done!” Hope you can both stick to your guns and they show you both the respect you deserve. You’ve sacrificed so much for this and deserve every happiness with your immediate family unit.

Seriously, and without meaning to sound patronising, your DH has done amazingly to stand up to them, it’s not easy for the scape goat.

@Sp3849 brilliant updates!!! you both did very well to get your own lives back!!!

I can tell you now this sister will not move out.
You put your foot down or your marriage ends because you will resent him.

sorry op just read your update oops.

what a fantastic result! I’m really happy your dh came through x

Well done both of you, it must have been really hard for your husband to stand up to his mum and sister, especially as he’s trapped looking for love / approval from them. I’m really pleased that he did that

Excellent move making SIL getting a new job a condition of moving in.

As someone who loves having family and friends around all the time, this posts makes me feel strange

Amazing update and well done you for not enabling his toxic family.
I feel really sorry for your husband - as I'm sure you must too. I hope you both can have some lovely times together at the weekends now the threat of the dreaded in-laws descending has been removed. Stay strong, and maybe encourage him towards therapy?

You've both done amazingly well, so far. But I'd like to give you permission to go absolutely fucking nuclear. That's what I would do. Seriously, they've tried to hijack your home and lives because they see your husband as disposable and worthy only of sacrifice to his pathetic, fucked up sister. Not your problem. Neither of you should have to deal with this bullshit. Why don't you phone them up and TELL them none of these plans are going ahead? Take it out of your husband's hands and tell them to fuck off once and for all. It's your house too, right? Go nuclear. Now. What can they do if you do? Absolutely nothing.

Bloody well done both of you.

Now WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

Everything you said, everything that is going to happen.

And send it to them all. Keep copies.

Because there will be attempts to twist things from their end. 'Misremembering' what you said. Trying to coerce and persuade.

They will be going to him behind your back and trying to manipulate him.

He may need to reread the notes to remind him what actually happened.

He will need help to withstand this as they'll prey on his desperate need for everything he was denied as a boy.

They will attempt to make you the bad guy.

They will also be secretly badmouthing you to other relatives and friends and you may find flying monkeys deployed on their behalf.

Please help him to find therapy and some assertiveness skills training asap. He's damaged and unhappy which is not good for him or you and your child.

No way! I couldn’t deal with this for a second.
First she was just going to be using your land to live in a caravan, then she decides she can’t afford it so she decides she can just move in?
She could just as easily turn one month into three months, or three months into three years.
I wish you luck.

@Sp3849Well done both of you.

It had to be done and in a way I hope it’s made your DH reflect on his boundaries with his family.

There is no getting around the fact they have treated you both very poorly.