To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

@OP - I feel for you most wholeheartedly here.

Just to say many years ago I had my brother staying with us because of reasons which was meant to be for a short time. Of course that wasn't the case. It took almost a crisis to make him move on & Dh had been supportive throughout but was brilliant in realising enough was enough.

I do think you & DH should speak to her and indeed DH's parents and reemphasise this is temporary and do whatever you can to make it so. Otherwise given their behaviour it might have to be - this is not what we thought we were signing up for - it stops now - she can't move in, That may be a problem in that I can see her being local would be great for your DD .

But better row now , because I am prepared to bet a pound to a box of oranges if this goes ahead the row waiting will be so, so much worse.

I wish you all the best. But like others - this , and from experience , would be my hill.

@Sp3849

It’s your home too and your DH doesn’t get to make these sort of big decisions in isolation (nor spend family money prepping for his sisters whims).

It doesn’t matter how much of a row it causes at this stage to put a stop to this because the alternative is neither of you (or his family) will have access to to property as it will be sold as part of divorce proceedings.

As pp’s have rightly pointed out, it appears no consideration have been given to her running a business from your home, regardless of anything else. The implications of this are potentially huge.

If you don’t put the brakes on now, it will just get harder and harder.

This is not what you signed up for and you have an equal say to your husband here - more so if this is a right of veto over a massive infringement of family space and financial resources.

I completely agree

It doesn’t matter how much of a row it causes at this stage to put a stop to this because the alternative is neither of you (or his family) will have access to to property as it will be sold as part of divorce proceedings.

Totally agree. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to reverse

First you say, This whole thing has completely escalated.
the original plan for S was for a caravan at the bottom of the field, now she’s lording about making changes to barn & paddock ( & not paying) & redecorating a room
at No point did anyone ask you
if that was OK.
She will be a permanent fixture, be helping herself to your food in the fridge & lying on your sofa.
She has no income.

So Whoa there Cowboy.
She can stay for X period until she finds a job & sets up a permanent accommodation. The lodging will be x per month.
She can buy her own food & cook & clean up after herself.
There are no boyfriends staying.
She is responsible for ALL the mucking out/feeding/water/grooming
There is a fixed end date. Which is un- negotiable

OBVIOUSLY the parents are trying to get her, at last, out of their house.

As for them. You need to tell them you are NOT having their dog & it’s not open house every w/e.
It doesn't matter if you like & dont care about the dog. It will then become your responsibility 24/7. They can go on holiday, YOU will have to find kennels.
STOP all this urgently

Both relationships could be equally important. It's Sophie's choice. Lose / Lose

Wouldn't surprise me if they quickly sold up & moved abroad the minute adult-child has been passed on.

So your husband was driven out of the family home at 17 by vile parents and you are allowing them and his sister take over your home?

Are YOU out of your mind?
Why would you allow such stress into your lives.

Stop EVERYTHING.
Put the house on the market.
Your husband isn't man enough to protect you or your daughter.
He is prepared to sacrifice his family to people who were vile to him.

Your poor daughter.
You need tobstep up and tell him that they are no longer welcome to visit and the house will need to be sold as you need to divorce.

He needs a dose of reality.

Er...doesn't sound like a particularly tricky choice? Wife and children v parents who drove him out age 17 and are now only after the benefits he can give them.

Why on earth should OP sell a house that's perfect for her family just because of these CFs? I agree with all the rest, but why on earth would she sell up instead of just saying no?

Why on earth should OP sell a house that's perfect for her family just because of these CFs? I agree with all the rest, but why on earth would she sell up instead of just saying no?

I think people mean sell up if he won’t put his foot down?

OBVIOUSLY the parents are trying to get her, at last, out of their house.

I think this is the most likely scenario. Maybe they're looking forward to getting rid of the dog (and all its expenses) too.

I had this situation. It very nearly ended my marriage. If there is no other option buy a shitty old caravan and put her in the yard, but even then it’s not going to be pleasant.

Can you tell us what happened?

tbh I think she will need to divorce. I doubt he has the guts to change the situation now

also curious what will happen because usually the posters disappear in such thread ( if real ) when it gets most interesting

indeed

It's an emotional choice, not logical.

Sell up and divorce him if he won't see sence.

I agree that his vile parents are likely trying to offload his sister.

I have been thinking about this all day. I reckon I have a solution! Pack his suitcases and tell him to go. I don't for one minute think he will see it coming but he has a choice.Cancel the whole lot of an appalling idea or loose you. Let him decide which side his bread is buttered. If he still protests then you will know you will never ever win.

On a minor note...
I hope you are prepared for such loveliness as horse hair, grit and mud in your underwear, because you just know SILs horse rugs and saddle pads will end up in your washing machine and she'll make no attempts to clean it out afterwards or buy a new one when it breaks.
With SIL taking over a barn, where will your winter supplies of bedding and hay be stored? Given that it's much cheaper to buy in bulk off the field than to buy a bit at a time from the local feed merchant.
If you don't already have a dog, remember your house will end up needing redecorating sooner than if it doesn't move in.
SIL is also likely to spend 24/7 in horse clothes and smelling of a muckheap, which means your home and furniture will smell of this too. Unlike DD, you won't be able to just tell her to go get changed and have her obey.

I wonder how many other small daily nuisances would occur that nobody here has thought of yet?

More seriously -

If this shit show goes ahead, complete with various alterations without planning consent, you'll incur the wrath of the council and your neighbours. Horsey people pull these stunts all the time with illegal businesses and caravans and the council do enforce action. This is your home, do you want your neighbours hating you for being selfish? When you want to extend one day or build a second house for DS, do you want the planning committee rolling their eyes and seething with resentment when they see your name crop up, as they remember all the past hassles?

BIL came to stay for a month from another town while “considering his next steps after a divorce”, then once he was settled in he announced that his business had folded and he had no savings. It took 2 years for BIL to leave. He contributed nothing. We managed to move him out of the house and into a flat in the garden but he was so unpleasant I didn’t want to go outdoors. Every time my DH spoke with him about leaving he threatened to kill himself. Eventually he was given a deadline to move out and I threatened to sell the house and leave town if he did not move. He left but it affected our marriage as my DH, who hates confrontation, put enormous pressure on me to let BIL stay and a lot of trust was destroyed. I think BIL spoke badly of me to my DH and tried to destroy our marriage as he thought DH would end up with the house and they’d live happily ever after like a bunch of geriatric frat boys once I’d been kicked out. Unfortunately for him, I owned the house as my own asset. It was a horrible experience and it still hurts to talk about it.

Deary me, I’d be putting a stop to the sister moving in pronto. You won’t get rid of her. As for her redesigning the barn, well it would be a fuck off from me.

in laws can visit but on your terms not every fecking weekend.

Does he usually try to make major decisions that will affect you (such as who lives with you in your home, ffs) without consulting you? If so, time for that to end.

Tell him he has 24 hrs to tell Dsis she can't live with you or you'll tell her yourself, and stick to it.

Cancel the whole lot of an appalling idea or loose you. Let him decide which side his bread is buttered. If he still protests then you will know you will never ever win.

I agree with this stance but know how weak some men can be when it comes to female relatives. It’s easier to upset the wife …

And just to add we have a similar dynamic (but thankfully far less extreme circumstances) in our family and I’m not confident I’d win if it was me versus DH’s sister