Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

Is he financially secure?

What hope is there for humanity when you have fucking stupid 20 somethings who think they can't get pregnant after having sex...? They are passing on their fucking stupid DNA and the next generation are going to be even thicker than their parents.

I haven’t read all the comments but have read all of your responses and I can see you have responded to many of the comments about finances, contraception, etc.

I suppose my main consideration in all of this is not how difficult it is for you but how difficult it may be for your child to grow up without a dad? Is baby’s dad refusing any involvement?
He seems like the type that would dip in and out of a child’s life and I think that for me would be the real difficulty here! I honestly think choosing a dad for your child is the biggest responsibility when you want to bring a child into the world.

I don’t think your age is a problem, you will get older and mature. I don’t think finances are that much of an issue, like you say, you earn well and have family support. Being a single mum, again, that is your issue and your difficulty to deal with, and you seem accepting of that. For me, it’s this child potentially having a rubbish dad that breaks my heart. There are no guarantees in life but in this case, you know the balance tips towards him being rubbish, and in my mind, your child deserves the best chances of having a remarkable dad!

Don't allow them to stress or pressure you. If you both knowingly had sex without contraception then you are both responsible.
Whatever has happened there is now a baby on the way , so I'd back off from his family at this time, you don't need that stress. Concentrate on yourself and baby. If it's possible to, have a calm conversation with daddy to tell him you will be having baby and if he would like to be involved all this negative talk has to stop!!!

You made the decision to have sex, knowing that you wrent using contraception. Yes he has responsibility for this pregnancy but so do you. It seems as though you will be a single parent with the difficulty of trying to get money for maintenance, bringing a child into the world who isn't wanted by their father. And whatever people on munsnet say, knowing your father couldn't care less does hurt the child and is something they have to live with.
Your body your choice but personally in your situation I'd give a bit of thought to an abortion while you still have time to choose.

What's done is done. Forget about his family. You say that you want to keep the baby, you have a job and your parents will support you. You fully understand that your ex and his family want nothing to do with you. Its iver between you both now. Just ignore them all, and do what you want to. But from now on, look after yourself better against stds and further pregnancies. My friend caught HIV and its really affected their life. Always catching illnesses and needing to go into hospital to recover and for checks. Please use condoms always.

I don’t think OP’s age is the issue, but her general maturity, I was a mum before 24, but I was more switched on than this. I think most of what has been said here would be said if she was 30. She’s being very naive as to the reality (particularly in regards to her work), isn’t able to provide the child a home herself and putting a lot of her faith in family support, has put a lot on her parents, and obviously very deliberately got pregnant.

I was a few years younger than you when I had my first. It’s hard but doable.

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind. You want to keep the baby. You can. And I would advise you to disconnect from his family. Most of the time they come round when the baby is born, but on your side decide what rules you want to put in place. They sound horrible so I wouldn’t invest any emotional energy. If they want to see the baby it’s on your terms. As for the dad - he is a wimp for hiding behind his family and friends - I’m sure it’s scary for him but it is for you too.

You are so lucky to have family support. I did too and it’s very special to have the ability to raise a child like this. My first reaped lots of benefits from it and I was able to split childcare and things like pick up and drop off with them in a way I couldn’t with my ex.

You are still young - when it comes to abortion it has to be your choice. So think about what you want. You can go with your gut. Or you can be super practical about it but the choice has to be yours.

Good luck

I don’t believe this is real.
A 26 year old man who earns 60k a year, still living at home with his parents. Plus mummy and daddy have to get involved, like he is 14 or something. No- total nonsense.
Then the op claiming even though she works full time and has presumably a very responsible job, her employer is totally fine with her breaking off at any hour of the day to sit feeding, changing, comforting her screaming baby- yes because employers love paying staff for doing f all all day and annoying customers into the bargain.
Then the parents in their 40s who are available on tap to provide childcare. Do they not work? Or do they work for this magical employer who pays staff to not work?

Keep any proof you have about him and his family pressuring you to have an abortion.

They are just the sort to come back and demand access afterwards.

You've been very foolish and selfish and exposed your future child to a high risk of a life of poverty.

But what's done is done and if you don't want an abortion then that's it. You need a clear plan to be able to support your child between you whilst you build a stable career.

Just stupidity to be having sex without any form of protection. But have the baby if you want it, no one can stop you. Might make you grow up a bit.

Tbh, in my culture you’d certainly have one child by 24 and quite possibly another on the way, and living in a multigenerational household. The only difference would be you’d be married and as we can all see from MN, that’s no guarantee of anything. You do have to throw yourself into it though, no imagining you can keep your old life going, at least for a decade. Since your parents are in their 40s, they must have had you pretty young so they know how it goes.

@Playmobil4Eva

read the post

This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself

Knowing what his family is like you are now tying yourself to this family forever, it doesn't stop at 18 it is birthdays, weddings, christenings and the father is entitled to go for 50/50 and it doesn't mean he has to be with his child. He can make the decision of who looks after his child. That can be those parents of his who can and probably will feed poison into your child's ear about you.

They may even try to one up you and your family, be the Disney parent/grandparent, no bedtimes, you choose dinner and of course chocolate is fine. My friend had this, pregnant unexpectedly after a few months of dating and decided to try to make a go of it. Got married had another child unexpectedly with a small age gap, divorced fairly quickly after that and it has been absolute hell all the way through with the Dad, the parents, uncles, aunts etc all feeling sorry for the "trapped" Dad and every parenting decision seemed to be to upset the Mum. From the clothes they wore, playing out unsupervised, the food they fed them (junk) no teeth brushing, no homework, smelled bad from not showering when hitting puberty, everything.

Can’t imagine why you’ve wilfully set yourself up for this life at such a young age. You are both idiots. You more so because you will suffer the most out of this. Even if he wants to support and contact that will be a shit show because it is no joke seeing your child 50/50 or anything less than full time. He’ll have girlfriends. Some of them will resent your kid and show it. You’ll have no choice but to hand it over not knowing if your child is emotionally or physically going to be cared for. He’ll eventually have a family under more ideal circumstances and your child will be a downright nuisance. This is all aside from the fact you’ve loaded yourself with the hefty responsibility of looking after a child when you could have seen a bit of life and freedom. Everyone will suffer here.

It's pretty clear that you don't want an abortion and are more than likely to go ahead with the pregnancy so you may as well forget about the father and his family, they have made their intentions perfectly clear and carry on with this as a single parent.

You aren't a teenager, you have a strong family network who say they will help you so what more do you need? That's a lot more than many single mothers have.

My only concern is when you said your parents are happy for you living at home because your ft WFH job pays the rent. Who will pay the rent when you and your child eventually move out and why don't they pay their own rent?

At 24 and 26 I wouldn't have wanted to be living with in laws and a baby and working extra shifts to pay for the baby. I wanted to be out with friends, going on holiday when I wanted, travelling etc.

Sorry OP but it sounds like a terrible idea.

I got pregnant at 21, we both decided not to keep the baby and it was definitely the right decision. I would have missed out on so many opportunities, choices, fun before being tied down. The DC I have now wanted have had the same life and opportunities they have if I had had the first baby with someone I wouldn't want to still be negotiating pick ups etc with now.

And she made no effort to protect herself either.

Hence my query around his financial status, she seems very keen to have a baby with this relative unknown.

Thats completely unfair and naïve. Don't allow them to do this as a team and don't let them make that sort of promise. If you go ahead you must be prepared to do this on your own. Your family did not choose this. It's not the future they dreamed of.

She could ask him to sign away his parental rights- he might be up for that.

Youth really is wasted on the young. You've rushed head first into having a baby because you wanted one - I don't believe for a second that you though either of you were not able to make a baby - and you'll live to regret it in one shape or another. I'm not judging - I did the same at 25, miscarried that one and then had a baby with him 3 years later when we were married - but we wouldn't have stayed together without the first pregnancy and it was a massive mistake to choose that guy for my child's father and I've paid for it financially and emotionally for the last 18 years. But good luck to you. No doubt you'll make the best of it and by the time you're my age you'll look back as I do and think about all the things you could have done differently!

Crikey, those posts suggesting a child would be better off never being born than be born in these circumstances…. What an insult to all the single parents who bring up happy children, honestly.
Good luck op. Trying to push someone into an abortion is horrible.

That's not a thing in the uk

Both of them don't use contraception and willingly sleep with people and have now put an unborn baby at risk from multiple stds. I would abort and have a full std test carried out because some stds lie dormant for many years.

As both of you sleep around without sing a barrier method to protect yourselves, you don't know what you're carrying. You're both walking health hazards and you should contact everyone you've ever slept with & advise them to test.