Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

I’ve just picked up on this and gone back and read over the previous posts, and I wonder if there’s more at play here.

For family to be so involved to the extent they’re having a big family meeting really isn’t the norm at 24/26, is there some disability at play here which means that having a baby is potentially more of a concern?

OP you sound very sweet and hopeful but also a bit childlike. You're only 24 and these should be the years of establishing yourself and living your own life and becoming independent from your parents. Once you have a child your life is no longer about you for a very long time. The child will have to be your priority in all things. It's all hypothetical to you at the moment but when reality hits it's hard.

If I were you I wouldn't have this baby if you are still within the time frame to decide. You will be missing out on having freedom and choices and becoming "you" for the next 20 years (or if your baby is anything like you, as your parents will be finding out now you are adding another person to their house, for the next several decades. )

Of course it's your right to keep the baby.
But you did make the choice through knowingly having unprotected sex in a short relationship. Only you know why you did it.

Co parenting in a stable , mature, financially and professionally settled environment with supportive people on all sides is incredibly hard. My exhusband left when our children were 3 and 2 so it was a lifetime of being civil ( he went off with a 17 year old from his office) and measured and its really hard work . Your situation doesn't sound anything like that. He , and his parents, may not want to be involved now but they may very well want contact when an actual baby arrives. If you both live in the same area you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hassle

And what's the big deal with that? Given the state of so many men we see here on MN.

OP, dump the man, have the baby. 24 is a great age to become a mum, you've got a job and family support, it will be fine. Just don't put him on the birth certificate. I would stop having contact with him now and just get on with your pregnancy.

The tone of the replies on this thread is so very disappointing.

Yes, I think children deserve a loving dad who wants them and is actively a force for good in their lives. No amount of mothering or grandparents can make up for that not being there.

The level of abuse OP is getting is a bit extreme. She’s not 12, yes she’s young, and the circumstances aren’t ideal but that’s no different to 1000’s of other women having children in difficult domestic situations.
In fact, she sounds like she has more of a stable background than many. She has a full time job, secure housing and supportive young parents. Of course that may change but so can everyone’s situation, be it redundancy, divorce, illness or unexpected death.

Let us know how you’re doing, occasionally, and enjoy your pregnancy.
Life will be hard but if your family is supportive, it can be done.

Dear God, OP!

A 26-year-old male living with his parents has “given me false hope”? after only a couple of months of getting together?

You do both sound very naive and immature. My DS came to ask me and his DDad at 16 (with a 15-year-old girlfriend) if he should “take their relationship to the next level” AKA start a sexual one, which gave us the perfect opportunity to give him some home truths in a calm way:

1. It’s illegal (girl under age of consent) so risking a crime - obvs not in your case
2. Contraception is not infallible, so there is always a risk of pregnancy
3. If there is a risk of pregnancy, what impact would a new life, that you have to care for, have on your long-term life goals (and short-term educational ones)
4. Whilst on paper, we could help, we have other DC and aging parents to help, so this may become impossible in future, so how would you cope if our support was no longer available?
5. What kind of life do you want for a child? Are you able to give them all the opportunities that we gave you?
6. What kind of life do you want for yourself? Babies are awfully expensive and love doesn’t clothe and feed them without a decent income, which is hard if you’re at college and she’s at school, i.e. not earning
7. What kind of life do you think your GF will have with a baby? At her age this would certainly affect her education and long-term job prospects
8. We are still working, and hoping to retire - not bring up a new family because you have made us into grandparents in our 40’s. This could cause resentment later, particularly if we were suddenly unavailable because we had to provide care for our DP, or one of our other DC’s
9. Where will you live? We don’t have room for another two people to move into our house, and it wouldn’t be fair for your GF to be coping on her own, and incredibly selfish to expect her parents to do so, since they also both work/have other DC and aging parents to consider
10. Having a baby is committing to an 18-year (at least) responsibility, which requires effort from both of you as well as money. Not thinking about these points before you start may lead to relationship problems and breakdowns in future, and certainly will not help either of you to reach your full potential in life. We strongly recommend you think again.

He did have a think about all of this (we have a very open and honest relationship with all our DC) and talked these points through with his GF. They decided not to carry on as they had intended, and the relationship faded after another 18 months. They are still on friendly terms now, 16 years later.

He is 32 now, and engaged to a different young lady, and is currently working his dream job and saving to rent a larger flat with her, while helping her to apply for jobs that will pay more so that they can save to buy a property in future. They don’t want DC, but in any case, if they change their minds, they would wait until they had achieved their goals before either ttc or adopt.

I suspect his DParents had a similar conversation with your STBX partner (10 years too late IMO) to the one we had with our DS, hence his 180-turn: he had never before thought about the actual reality of bringing a child into the world, or how he might be able to support you.

I strongly advise you to think again about all the potential pitfalls of your plan before deciding unequivocally to keep the baby: they are hard work with two loving and present parents and I can’t imagine how much harder work they would be if your current family support network faded away once the reality of bringing up a child/supporting you as a single mum hits them…

Some hard thinking and practical discussion with your family is needed to explore all of the the “what-ifs”, before you make your final choice.

Good luck!

You need to consider that you will be linked to this family for life if you choose to carry on with the pregnancy. I have seen this in my wider family and it’s been a nightmare. This is something worth giving serious thought to

Yet we know, from the millions of threads posted on MN about men who turn out to be cheaters/abusive/gamblers/alcoholics, that a loving dad at the start is no guarantee of a decent husband and dad for life. No amount of wishful thinking can make up for a man turning out to be a shit dad.

Hi, I found myself in the same situation at 24, an unexpected pregnancy and the father wanted to not be involved. I just wanted to drop you a message from the otherside....the baby in question is now almost 23 himself and I obviously wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, it can be tough and at times, you feel as though you've given up your own youth but if it's what you want, you can 100% do it as millions of women did before and will continue to do after.

I despise the advice of ‘leave him off the birth certificate’. Regardless of youth, or unpreparedness, a father is still a father and it is disgusting manipulation to suggest otherwise.

OP, one of the biggest pieces of life advice I’ve given to my daughters, is to choose the father of their children with care. I don’t mean to patronise you at all but when you’re young, you feel invincible and don’t think as much into the future. But being linked to a difficult co-parent for the next 18 years is a challenge and a half.
Best of luck.

If they aren’t married and he refuses to attend the appointment for the birth certificate, she can’t put him on it anyways.

This. You were having unprotected sex with a man you just met and your 24?? You sound way too immature to have a child. I suggest you also get checked out for sti’s too.
It sounds like you wanted this to happen

Another twenty something who apparently thought he was infertile.

Oh OP, this thread is grim

OP I may echo a lot of PP's and I can understand a lot of the feedback you're getting.

Parenting is hard! It is a relentless 24/7 gig of responsibility and mundane routine. It requires a lot of sacrifice, mental thought process and emotional. But it is very rewarding- those are the moments, all mothers live for.

I would think so very long and hard about what your life will be for the next 18-21 years of your child's life and even then you don't truly stop parenting because they have grown up.

Your family will offer you support- that's fantastic everyone loves brand new babies. But theory and reality are two different things. Night time crying, exhaustion, parents wanting to take over or comment with their "helpful" remarks. Resentment can take over, eventually. Plus you're living in their home- you are unstable in terms of a home of your own. Unless you are planning to buy- but your money will go to the baby, so won't have much savings. Or social housing route- which just isn't available or private renting. At some point you're going to want your own home.

You have your job for now and that eases that financial pressure. But wfh with a child who wants to go to the park or is crying for your only your attention. Is also the reality.

Then add into the father and his family. Imagine dealing with that for the next years of your life. Yes, you can apply for CMS- doesn't mean your actually going to get it though. Then at some point reality will kick in, that he is still living his life and you're here dealing with a 2 year tantrum. You're going to want him to be a part of that and will then entertain his abusive nonsense and fall into a trap or tolerating abuse- just for the sake of having a family. There are too many threads on here of that reality.

I personally couldn't parent with a man who is adamant for me to have an abortion. I wouldn't feel safe having my child around him. Some people do change their minds, but you will be alone doing this. As every argument will be
" but I told you, I didn't want this." That's the mentality of the person you will be forced to deal with for the next 18 years.

I've parented in what can only be survival mode, even though I held it together. PND, abuse, grief, lots of family support and with an ex abusive loser who wanted to stay around only to tear me down. I've had to leave my support network and move away just to get on with my life. Yes, like a lot of other mothers, we managed, but it was hard. You can do this, but think what's happens when you just want to sleep, take a trip, just switch off.

At the end of the day it is your choice. But once, that baby is born- it is no longer- your choice. Every decision you make, will impact on your child. Your child will live, whatever life you choose.

However understanding they are, no employer is likely to countenance you working from home whilst also having sole care of a baby. You will need to show that you have adequate care in place while you are working. And if you are relying on your parents to do the caring, you need to discuss it with them first. Their definition of 'supportive' might be an occasional evening babysitting rather than full time care during your working hours.

Your parents went round to his parents’ house to discuss your pregnancy with them? Are you a teenager?

He believed he was infertile? On what evidence?

It all sounds like a crazy mess. I’d think very carefully before bringing a child into this chaos.

Well isn't that a lovely prognosis for all those children who end up with a shit dad? Maybe you live in a fairy tale.

They are not forcing you. They are making their feelings felt loudly and are being a pain in the arse but they are not forcing you. You are going to need to grow up. You and the father both decided to have sex and not to use contraception. You're both young and fertile and this is how babies are made.

Of course you can continue with the pregnancy. You have your family's support, but don't think this will be easy. Sorry to be harsh but raising a child can be very harsh so it's important to be realistic. Good luck to you and go with whatever decision you make wholeheartedly and enjoy being a mum if that's the outcome.

OP, without going into the whys and wherefores, the fact is you are pregnant now, if you want to keep the baby it's your decision and no one else can force you either way. If you do decide to keep it then try to get things in order as much as you can. You will face many unforeseen, unplanned for surprises along the way such as the father deciding he wants to be involved after all. If you are up to facing all of that, then go for it. I've seen threads on here where women have gotten pregnant on one night stands and have kept the baby, so don't understand all the moral grandstanding here. All the "24 is too young, 40 is too old" etc. People don't get pregnant on MN's sweet spot. Do what you feel you can honestly handle. It won't be clear weather ahead and you need to prepare for it.

Agreed. I have no idea what either of you were thinking.