Would you be upset if your child's teacher told the class her mum had died?

[MonBlu]

She left a couple of weeks ago because her mum was sick and there was a sub since. Now she's back and told the kids that her mum died. It seems very young for them to have to think about mums dying. They're Year 4 / 5.

Just saying when my DD was at nursery (aged 3) they talked about death. One of her friends grandma’s died , this opened up a topic of our dog dying and then a nursey staff had lost her mum a few weeks prior so that was talked about too. It was dealt with very age appropriately.
turned out another kid their mum worked in a funeral home so the conversation just kept going!

Year 4/5 is absolutely fine no issues there at all. It also stopped awkward questions of “ Miss X how is your mum?” As the class clearly knew she was off for that reason.

No, not at all upset. It’s important the girl’s classmates know, so they can support her. And so she doesn’t have to explain it over and over, which can be retraumatising.

I’d then talk to them about it too. Death shouldn’t be a mystery. We all have different views of death, so the school can’t explain that. They can only give the facts. So, it’s important we talk it through as parents.

I’ve always spoken to my kids about death, in an age appropriate way, as it’s an unavoidable part of life. People close to them have died. Great grandparents, grandparents, close family friends, some of their close friends’ parents (several mums as well as dads) and siblings, pets. They’ve always come to funerals from a young age. IMHO it helps prepare them. I wouldn’t want the first funeral they attend to be someone really close (even me), when the whole experience is a mystery and therefore much more stressful.

As I’m not religious, I’ve drawn parallels with death in nature, e.g. how plants die and then new plants grow. I’ve reassured them that I won’t be dying any time soon, so they don’t worry. When my eldest had to have lifesaving surgery, the youngest, who was then 8, asked if he was going to die. I had to be mindful that he may and didn’t want to give false assurances. So I said probably not, as the doctors were great and he was strong. He might do, but I felt he’d be OK. Pleased to say he was.

That is a bit a reach. You don't know if she was looking for emotional support.
As other posters have said, death is a fact of life and kids often deal better with upsetting news by not hiding it from them. It was up to the teacher to decide if she wanted to share this personal news.

@MonBlu NO I wouldn’t be upset with the teacher who has suffered a very upsetting bereavement but I am shocked at your instant reaction. I would, as a parent be going out of my way to be kind and extra appreciative of that teacher.

Honestly, teachers are human. Death is part of life. She has done nothing wrong. I ask that you remember that teachers are just human beings doing a very stressful and pressurised job and that parents do not see 99% of the work and ridiculous pressures they are under. Don’t always assume a teacher is at fault or look for reasons to complain! Shocking post!

By the age of 5 my child had already been to 2 funerals. We need to talk to kids about death as well as life.

They can be matter of fact about it, learn about emotions, empathy and grief. They can be shown how to respect and talk to recently bereaved people without awkwardness. To me it's an important life lesson.

I think it was brave and honest of the teacher to share with the kids.

No, the children would have kept asking her why she was off so she told them honestly. I don’t think they are too young to learn and some of them may have experienced the loss of someone too.

No I don’t think it’s too young -‘it’s a part of life and children lose parents at that age. I would use it as an opportunity to teach my child about death and make a card or a gift for the teacher; maybe organise a card from the class for the children to sign or something. Very sad for the teacher. Xox

When I was in primary 2, so aged 5, my teacher was off for a period because her husband died and we were told.

There’s no “too young” because death close by can happen at any age. My reception teacher committed suicide. (We had a special assembly about it.) A classmate died in a hit and run the following year. We couldn’t not know. Children are, to some extent, insulated from the full realities of death because their brains are so mushy (scientific term). They’ll understand as much as they need to, really. And they’re Y4/5, not reception. The teacher did fine.

It’s great that your child has got to year 4/5 and has all their grandparents and has not personally experienced loss. That isn’t the case for many children though. Others will have experienced the awful loss of a parent, or another family member or friend. It’s really healthy to be able to discuss death and it not to be a forbidden secret that people are made to feel awkward for discussing or having feelings about.

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. In fact it presents a very good opportunity to speak to a child about death without either party being emotionally involved.

I'd think it quite unusual for a child not to have come cross death in some form by Year 4. I actually think it's really important and healthy to have open conversations about it. Poor teacher, perhaps you could organise flowers and a card from the class. That would be a fabulous way to teach about kindness, empathy and generally looking out for one another.

Would you prefer the primary school teacher to lie? Imagine how that would feel to her after her loss.

I think it would be ridiculous to tell them anything but the truth, people grow old and die.

This is why we end up with pampered princes and princesses who are self- absorbed. Parents at fault. I teach. See it first hand.

I think it was a good thing, explains her absence and makes young children think about it a bit. They won't be dwelling or any morbid details but wll be more aware or mortality. There was a time when children grew up with death and it was not taboo as it so often is now.

No, I think this is perfectly ok - plus the kids will view their teacher as being much older than them so won’t necessarily see the death as relatable to their own parents.

Sadly this is part of life. In my DS time at primary, 5 out of the 45 kids in his year lost a parent. The stats are really quite shocking on how common it so the kids will come across it in their day to day lives.

This -hope you all did that!

We shy away from death in the UK and yet it’s a massive thing that every single one of us will experience. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject, we should encourage people to talk about it rather than avoid it.

DS is Year 4 and his teacher was off for a few weeks because her dad had died. The children were all told and it didn't occur to me to think anything of it. It is what happened and the teacher is much older than them so I can't imagine would lead to the children worrying that their dads were going to die.

I think it's absolutely fine for the tescher to say. I completely agree we need to talk about death more.

I lost my mum 3 months ago and there is a huge divide between friends who are comfortable talking about death and those who aren't. Some people dissappear out of your life ad just don't know what to say.

My 7yos lovely teacher got divorced and they announced on the school newsletter, she would be changing her name to Miss X rather than Mrs Y from September. My child told me one of the class immediately asked the Monday after it was announced and the teacher went quiet and was trying not to cry. I think about that poor teacher caught off guard and thinking how to explain it. Sometimes context is good for kids to know.

No I would have felt very sorry for her and sent a card.

Yea , talk about wrapping up in cotton wool. Ridiculous.

I think it’s fine, they probably wondered why she had been off school for a while.

Death should not be hidden, and we don't want children to think it's something scary. If the teacher was simply explaining her absence (and not weeping all over the classroom), then it was a very sensible thing to do.
And talk to your kids about death, OP - don't wrap them in cotton wool.