Would you be upset if your child's teacher told the class her mum had died?

[MonBlu]

She left a couple of weeks ago because her mum was sick and there was a sub since. Now she's back and told the kids that her mum died. It seems very young for them to have to think about mums dying. They're Year 4 / 5.

Of course not.

Too.young to know about death? Are you joking?

No. Actually I think it’s important that children are aware that death is a part of life, especially the ones who may not have experienced grief yet.

I am guessing the kids would have asked her why she had been off anyway. Should she lie?

Not at all I think it’s part of life and shouldn’t be hidden

As a teacher, no I think it's fine. Death is a part of life, like it or not, and it's possibly something quite a few of the children already have direct experience of. It also explains her absence in a way that makes sense to them. They know she's a human being and generally young children don't like their teacher not being there, so having an explanation can only be a good thing (and one that many might empathise with, or at least have some understanding of).

No, I wouldn’t be upset at all. My son’s teacher very sadly lost a baby when he was 5yrs old, and the school told the children in an appropriate way.

They are also aware of other teachers who have lost parents, and other children who have lost parents. My children sadly have had grandparents die.

Yabu.

In yr2 a parent complained because their child was given an inappropriate book to read and was having nightmares. Apparently it was a dreadful thing to do.

It was a factual, completely appropriately age targeted book about earthquakes and volcanoes. DS had also read it and had been utterly fascinating.

They also were learning about the plague and the great fire of London at the time (which I was fine with, but also amused given we were still under COVID restrictions at the time). The parent DIDN'T complain about this.

Sheltered children are not healthy children.
Death is part of life.

I had already witnessed my sister die of brain cancer by the time I was that age and I wish more of my peers had not been so ignorant of death because their parents were squeamish and couldn’t be bothered to educate their children on the most basic facts of life, so YABVU.

@MonBlu - no, it would not occur to me to be upset. And death of mothers is not just an abstract thing. There will be some children who have lost their mothers by the time they are in year 4/5 and many who have lost grandmothers. One of my good friends at university was 8 when her own mother died. Her brother was 6. My own DDs were 4 and 6 when they watched me go through losing my mother to cancer who was of course also their grandmother. You need to be able to discuss death with children from an early age in an age appropriate way.

Agree with this. I was in the same position 17 months ago. I was heavily pregnant with my twins in school. They both died at birth unfortunately. And i was on leave for ages after. And since I live locally where my school is, I see my students out and about regularly. The school told my students what happened because frankly I didn't want to be constantly asked how my babies were either. Its a tough situation and I'm actually quite private but this was unavoidable. I actually was quite impressed and touched too how compassionate my students were when I came back after leave.

Year four! I just did some supply cover for an EYFS class so age four and five and they were told that their teacher was away because her mum had died.

Shielding an eight year old from the possibility that a mother can die is ridiculous.

If one of your children's classmates lost a parent, would you expect them to be told to keep quiet about it?

I think it's fine. I miss read initially and thought you meant age 4 and 5 and I was a little on the fence but year 4/5 is absolutely fine. Chances are some kids might have lost relatives at that stage already.
Fwiw when my daughter was at nursery her friends dad died, they were aged 3 and 4, they spent time talking about it in a vest sensitive way.

@Ella31 - so sorry to hear that. How devastating for you.

As a pre-school teacher; if it ever comes up; if they ask, if we're talking about families. I tell the children that I don't have a Daddy, as he died a long time ago.

No.

Thank you I really appreciate it. School were amazing about it though and parents so very lucky there.

The poor teacher, I imagine the words were hard to say.

No they're not to young to understand, hopefully they'll show empathy too.

Both of my parents died relatively young in a short space of time before DS was 4/5.

It is life.

I think the kids would have felt reassured knowing the real reason for teacher absence ie that her relative had died and that teacher wasn't seriously ill herself. Kids worry about their teachers!

Plus kids can handle knowing about death very well

Oh fuck it I can't let it go. Not only would I not be upset, I'd think anyone who was upset was bizarrely unempathetic.

I'm not in favour of these awful teachers who tell kids about their relationships and private lives (leave it at home FFS) but the death of a parent is different. Kids at that age may well have already experienced the death of a pet, grandparent or older relative and can cope with the idea of death as long as it's communicated sensitively and parents of children in that teacher's class should bear in mind that although in their child's life her function is to facilitate their education, she is also a human being.

If she starts weeping and wailing and hiring paid mourners to rent their clothes and beat pots outside the classroom to prove their grief, then I'd have an issue with it.

Honestly this increasing trend of OPs disappearing after asking a question and getting hundreds of answers is starting to really put me off mn. Are they bots? AI? Journalists? Flakes? It’s so irritating and it’s happening more and more

I very much agree with you here @Supergirl1958 being professional doesn't = never having any personal life or conversation just ensure they are age appropriate like @PurpleFlower1983 suggests.

I wondered @RobinHeartella if you have lost a parent yourself? As I don't think anyone understands the overwhelming sensations that goes through you in the period after. It makes you quite a different person even if outward you appear calm. I know neither dh or I could not have been breezy after the death of our respective parents. I did let people know my mother had died (not a teacher) and some of our regular customers were told too.
Its not a "quick fix" processing grief takes time.

For @MonBlu. I think its an important subject and a great time to have some discussions with your children about how others feel after they have lost a loved one and how they might feel. It's important we do not avoid talking about death as it makes it taboo able then if they suddenly are forced to deal with it they may not know who to turn to. So have those conversations with them so they know mum is always there to support and talk even with the difficult and sad subjects. Fil died when dd1 and 2 were almost 4 and 6. They went to the funeral and we spoke openly to them (ds was almost 2 he didn't really get it) so they have grown up knowing what death of a loved one feels like. My mother died in their early teens and Mil in their late teens we spoke with them throughout it all. Result was when a close friend of dd2 dad suddenly died they were able to support in an appropriate way. Friend had since said how much she appreciated dd2s approach of checking in and doing it about every day things whilst still showing care. Dd2 said she just remembered how she felt when grand parents died and knew normal was good.
We can't hide death away the sooner it is spoken off the more support you will fin you are able to offer.

This attitude is exactly why we have so many issues with dealing with death and bereaved relatives in A&E. It’s way too taboo in this country and makes it very difficult when people don’t feel able to talk about their wishes when they are still alive.
We should be encouraging people to normalise it, not get hung up about it. We’re all going to be there one day!
Other cultures are much better at this. Personally I would use it as an opportunity to talk to your dd about death and about how the teacher might be feeling