Would you be upset if your child's teacher told the class her mum had died?

[MonBlu]

She left a couple of weeks ago because her mum was sick and there was a sub since. Now she's back and told the kids that her mum died. It seems very young for them to have to think about mums dying. They're Year 4 / 5.

Sorry, this is bonkers. Kids of 9/10 know that people of any age can die. At least a few of them in the class will have lost grandparents. And understood that the grandparent was their parent's mum or dad.

There's a lot of orphans in classic children's literature, you know. And more recent (e.g. Harry Potter). It's quite a trope. I had a head full of stories about orphans and orphanages by the time I was five. Maybe you think we shouldn't have done school productions of "Annie"? Or "Oliver!"? Are ten year olds not ready for Bambi or Charlotte's Web or anything else where the mum cops it? Come on.

Definitely not too young. Recently the neighbour of one of my relatives died. They decided not to tell their children, who are around the same age as yours, for fear of upsetting them. I thought it was so weird because they know he had been ill, and it will be obvious that he’s not there anymore.

My grandmother died year before last when my children were aged 6 and 3 and I told them. It was the first time they had seen their mum cry and they obviously needed to be told about losing their great grandmother. Also they loved their great grandmother and were very close to her. I was very proud of how they processed the information. They often talk about her still and say she is a star in the sky looking down on them always. Kids need to understand death is sadly a part of life.

Also when my daughter was in pre-school a boy in her class lost his dad. She was told about it at pre-school as the child involved was struggling with the loss. I remember my daughter came home and told me, child x said his dad climbed on the roof and went up to heaven at night. I heard his dad had died in his sleep. So you can’t shield kids from these things forever.

I'd be the opposite of sad. Death shouldn't be a tabou subject and at that age there will he kids whose parents may die. My eldest is year 4 - 1 child's dad died of a heart attack, another's mum of cancer, and my younger one in year 3, she lost a brother and soon after the dad commited suicide, and multiple kids have had grandparents die. It needs to be spoken about to help them accept and understand when it happens to them in some way, plus kids are going to ask, so the alternative is she lies.

No. Children of that age know that people die.

Why shouldn't she say it if it's true? Death is definitely going to affect them all multiple times throughout their lives. To pretend it doesn't happen at that age is doing them a disservice.

Maybe if the kids were three or four you might just not say anything. But even then if someone asked 'how is your mum', it's perfectly acceptable to respond that she died, to a child of any age.

If god forbid, you lost a close friend or family member would you hide it from your child?
Death is natural and a part of life unfortunately.

You're missing a trick, OP; a valuable teachable moment in which you seize this golden opportunity to actively model warmth, empathy and compassion to your child, the kind which can make all the difference to a person raw with recent bereavement. When your child told you, you should have: put down whatever you were doing and paused and said something along the lines of "Thank you for telling me, DC. Dear Mrs X, no wonder she's been away, she's been through something really hard. I hope she got to spend some special time with her mum before she died. She might still be feeling sad from time to time, even though she's back at work, so keep this in mind. Why don't we buy her some flowers / write her a card for you to take in tomorrow to let her know we're thinking of her?"
That could have been one option.

I find it really odd when people want to protect children from death. Why? It’s a natural consequence of life. It’s a very British thing to get uptight about it.

The poor teacher. I expect she wanted to let them know she may be a bit wobbly. Years 4-5 is plenty old enough to understand death!

They’re kids who’ve lived through covid, of course they know what death is! Many have experienced the death of loved ones themselves.

No it's not too young, it's part of life and happens all the time.

So what was she supposed to do considering the kids knew she was off because her mum was sick? Pretend she had a miraculous recovery?

I don't think teachers should share personal details with students. I taught secondary DC when my Mum was very ill and dying and I took of 6 weeks to care for her and after she died I returned to school. I simply told my students I had a leave of absence for personal reasons.

Why would anyone be 'upset' about this? Do you prevent your child from seeing or hearing any news, reading any books, watching any TV...? Death is just a part of life.

No, my Form had to be told that I was upset as one of my former students had been murdered. They will deal with death at some point and many probably already have. By the way, it is 'supply' teacher, not 'sub'.

You think NINE YEAR OLDS are too young to know that people die?

I think it should be entirely personal choice. Nobody should be required to tell their class exactly why they had been off but it's fine if they want to.

I think it’s totally fine. Year 4/5 is not too young to think about mums dying. My child is in year 1 and has a good understanding of death. Some people lose their mums in childhood.

And that was your choice, but it doesn't mean that another teacher who chose to share the very bare facts that she'd had a bereavement made the wrong one.

Why would I be upset? 🤔

Absolutely ridiculous thing to be upset over.

I do hope you haven't complained.

Children don't need to be wrapped up in cotton wool. Death is a part of life.

This! Completely batshit. My eldest lost her beloved great gran at aged 3 and her best friend sadly lost her mum at age 6. Death is part of life. Not experiencing any form of bereavement by age 10 is unusual ime.

second week of reception - my daughter was 4 - for some reason her teacher told her we were all going to die one day including her.

That's a bit much

No I wouldn’t be upset. Death is a normal part of life and I’m sure she would have explained that her mum was a lot older. She is probably struggling with losing her mum and having the children know, means if she is upset, they know why and have an understanding. We are ridiculous in this country about bidding death and not talking about it, therefore it comes as a terrible shock to some children when someone close to them dies, this could happen at any time so should be spoken about as a normal part of life.