Would you be upset if your child's teacher told the class her mum had died?

[MonBlu]

She left a couple of weeks ago because her mum was sick and there was a sub since. Now she's back and told the kids that her mum died. It seems very young for them to have to think about mums dying. They're Year 4 / 5.

You're being ridiculous. Are you really expecting the teacher to lie about why she was away? Why? Death is a part of life, she hasn't done anything wrong, why shouldn't she be honest about it?

Pretty sure most children of that age are aware that people die! My DD1 is 6 and knows that mums, dads, babies, children, anyone can die. Many children of that age will have had family members dying themselves.

It’s good if death can be normalised in this way. As a child my first encounter with death was when a parent died. I’m making sure my DC know about death conceptually before they are actually faced with it in a shocking traumatic way.

Also, surely your kids read about death in books a lot? So many kids books have orphans or a character with at least 1 dead parent.

I’d say it’s fine for 9/10 year olds, most should understand that people die and many will have lost grandparents so will be already familiar with the idea that an adult’s mum/ dad can die. They’ll see their teacher as old/ grown up so they won’t equate an adult’s mum dying with the less likely scenario where a child’s mum could die.

No, I'd be grateful that she shared something personal to her that will help my child learn about death being part of life.

Why on Earth would that upset you? One of our teachers was recently off for a month due to her Dad dying, the kids were naturally asking where she was and where she had been! Would it be better to lie? If your child is 9 and doesn’t understand that people die you’ve got bigger problems than what a teacher is saying.

First I thought you meant 4/5 year olds ( haven't had my coffee yet!). Then when I realised what you meant. Of course it's ok. By the time my dd2 was 5 she'd lost both of her grandparents on OH's side. Children are far more robust than some people think

I thought you were going to say reception!
Even then I’d say no not too young, if nothing else if anyone staff or parents know then the children will know soon enough “little pitchers have big ears”. Much better for her to control how they find out. And for it to be something not to be hidden or ashamed of.

She won’t be her usual self and the children need to understand why. They’ll learn that death and the subsequent sadness are normal parts of life.

Our 4.9 year old grandchild understands the very basic idea of death, having lost a great grandparent and a pet. He’s very matter of fact about it.

No. Death is a fact of life and there is no point in concealing that fact from a child of any age.

Not young at all. It's ok to tell children younger than that too. Hopefully it helps them learn about empathy and being extra considerate which many adults seem to be lacking in. They also learn about the reality of life, loss and death.

Can't and shouldnt keep children in a bubble. It doesnt do them any good.

Well what are you going to do about it then op? Go complain about a teacher who lost her mother? What would you do if everyone said you are reasonable?
surely you just explain to your child that it is sad but it is what happens.

Agree with others that it's normal (good practice) for the teacher to tell her class about it. Not only to explain why she's been away, but also so they can understand why she may not be her usual bright self! We would also have sorted a card/flowers from the whole class for her.

We have had (very much loved!) teachers death at our primary school in the last few years, and they have been deal with very well by the school and wider community. We talked about it at home, even with the younger ones in year 1 and 3. The school/parents have planted commemorative trees, a bench plaque at the local seaside walk etc
I would highly recommend this resource, which is used in paediatric services:
https://www.childbereavementuk.org/explaining-to-a-child-that-someone-has-died

I know it can be scary to talk about these things OP, but you will be helping your children in the long run.

when I was 9 a child in my class lost his dad. We were all taken into an assembly and told. It won’t always be a teacher whose parent dies.

I don't think this is a problem. I'm a teacher (granted its secondary) and I don't think they're too young to know, especially as I'm sure it will have been sensitively done. Teaching is a tough job when you're going through something emotional or when your mental health is low, there's no 'give' just because you're parent died, none of the expectations will be relaxed and children don't behave any better. If the teacher is able to share something that might help them understand why she is a little bit more subdued than usual then I think that's OK.

Exactly. Though actually I think mutual sympathy is a good and necessary thing. Surely a child would be sympathetic if something sad happened to someone they knew well? It doesn’t mean making a big deal but feeling sympathy and learning to show it appropriately is fine surely?

Get a grip 😂 dead parents are in most books/films they're watching from way younger than that. Why would you want to pretend it doesn't happen?

There can't be any year 4 or 5 children who dont know that people die, what is your concern here?

You are being absolutely ridiculous!! Kids are resilient. She’s a human being who’s just lost her mum so maybe have some fucking compassion. It’s good for kids to learn that too!

Absolutely no problem with this. Some children have people close to them who die. Or friends grandparents or family pets or whatever. Death happens and as long as they are supported with it in an age appropriate way it’s healthy to discuss it. I had to explain to dd from an early age where my own mother was.

No i don't think 8-10 year olds are too young to know people die.

No I wouldn’t be upset at all. Why would I be?

Year 4/5 is fine to be told that. But I know my Year 1 child would be upset.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the children to know. I would find it helpful were I in that position, and had a child of that age, for the school to have let me know, so when the child came home, I could respond appropriately.

Is ‘being upset’ something to completely avoid? It’s an emotion and we have to learn to handle the negative ones as well as the positive ones. As others have pointed out, lots of fairy tales and Disney films have dead parents in them.