To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his.

So what's alternative? If neither want to lose theirs or impose their name on their spouse what can they do but keep both?

They could just use future wife’s name?

You seem worried that your son has compromised on what he wants but the fact is, we all compromise on what we want. That's marriage for you!

I'm impressed and a little envious. I double barrelled (no hyphen) but my husband and kids just have my husbands surname (we had kids before marriage). I never thiught to ask but I know he never would have considered taking my name too (it works really well double barrelled, comparable with Wyke Jonson or something) so I think it's so nice that your son has honoured his fiancee this way and shown value in her family heritage.

Of all the things to be upset about!
One of my friends has a 9 and 6 letter , 5 syllable double-barrelled name and it’s honestly never occurred to be that it’s too long nor a pain to spell (which I guess it might be at times but how often does one have to spell out one’s name nowadays?)
sometimes people abbreviate it to the first name and sometimes they just use the initials.

but really. Hopefully your son will have a happy and healthy marriage-this should be all you care about.

All the time, but about significant matters. The “inconvenience” of having a double barrelled surname is not one of them.

I had a double barrelled (inherited on ExDH’s side) surname for a long time. People spelled both names incorrectly from time to time, and occasionally people omitted the hyphen or used an apostrophe, but it was hardly an inconvenience. It was never abbreviated to just one name.

I think your problem is that he’s not being traditional. You’re entitled to feel the way you do, but expressing this to him is a mistake.

He could always just take her surname instead

It is his decision to make but I actually agree with you that it's a bit daft. It feels like so many people do this I do wonder what will happen when their kids grow up. What will Jack Williamson-Russell do when he marries Jane Braverman-Wilson?

Is this seriously all you have to worry about? Is he happy, does his partner love him, will they have a happy life together?

I think you and the horrified grandparents should probably get out more, it’s not like they’re asking you all to double barrel your surnames is it? What actual effect is this ever going to have on your life?

No it doesn't only happen once. Spain manage it totally fine.

Oh really? I hope you've informed all the Spanish speaking nations that they've been doing it wrong.

If two people with double barrelled surnames marry they either take one of the existing names, choose one name from each existing name to create a new one, or each keep their own original name. No drama.

This is satire right?

I have two surnames, not double barrelled (no hyphen). My DC have dropped one or other at various times. When/if they marry I fully expect one or both will go. The only practical issues I’ve had is not having enough spaces on some forms for my full surname and some which don’t like the space so then I put in a hyphen.

I really don’t care if other people judge, their problem.

I get mispronounced all the time but that’s another story!

I really dislike the mentality of carrying on a family name through the male line. My DH has my name just as I have his, and our DC have both.

This seems like it’s about more than just the name, is it that you feel like you’re somehow losing him and the name is just a part of that? He’ll no longer have your family name, now that he’s making his own family.

This but stood out: He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers…

Maybe you feel that he is deferring to her too much, and she’s making all the decisions, but like it or not she is person he has chosen, and the most important person in his life now.

If that’s not the issue, and it really is just about the name, I fail to see why it would be bothering you so much.

BTW If they do end up having children, they will likely make many parenting decisions that you don’t agree with. If you want to keep a good relationship with them, you’ll have to just accept that.

Ultimately it’s his life and his choices, and if you bring this up and make an issue of it, you may end up pushing him away.

When I got married I took DH surname. I went from a common never-spelt-wrong surname, to a more unusual name that we frequently have to spell out. It's not a massive issue. DD often has to spell out her (not esp unusual - and spelt conventionally) first name as well!

Well it won’t really affect you so what’s the issue? If they want to have a crazy long terribly inconvenient name so what? Personally I couldn’t wait to ditch my long awkward spelling maiden name when I got married

You're taking a lot of flak on here and it's right that it's none of your business and you'd be better staying out of it. But, you're in the safety of anonymity here so, yeah, I can see why you wouldn't like it. It's the height of chaviness, I'd be embarrassed too! Hopefully they'll forget about it as time passes. 🤞

We went back to what a lot of my English ancestors did.

DS has my maiden name as a middle name so it’s first name, first name, Mothers maiden name, Dads name. But uses just his Dads name.

DH family name is dying out it’s a really obscure Anglo Saxon name and we have never met anyone with the name except his own relatives. DS has been the only male born since DH going across many branches, we do family history. My name is really common in my Dads home country but is mispronounced often by Brits, I have an entire other name as well as an English one but never use it as can’t stand the mispronunciation and people also get flustered attempting to say it.

You can't get involved in their choice.

I have a friend who was in this exact scenario on the other side. She wanted to double barrel her last name and her husband's last name. He had quite a long polish name and as the only son, his parents felt very strongly that it shouldn't change in any way.

The upshot is that it damaged the relationship badly and my friend hated her PIL for a long time. She also wasn't comfortable giving them much access to their baby when it was born.

We all knew the surname drama and at the wedding thought they were 'dicks'.

The situation has resolved now and they have all gotten over it (I think) but genuinely, I think you are setting yourself up to be disliked and potentially cut out.

Is it worth it? Your son is old enough to make up his own mind.

The alternative is they keep their own names but if I was her, I'd insist any children took the maternal surname. So what are you more horrified about, the double barrelling or the risk your son won't have the same name as his children?

It's not an issue. I have a long double barrel surname due to coming from a culture where we collect surnames. I only use one part of my surname in daily life, it's not an issue. My dad has 6 parts to his surname and he's survived just fine.

So what happens when their kids marry other double barrelled names? And what happens to the grand children who have quadruple barrelled names? It’s a silly idea that has no future

‘He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about’

This is the crux of the matter, you’re struggling with him having a woman in his life who has become more important to him than you, that’s the truth of it. The thing is, he doesn’t care about it, YOU do, because it gives you an excuse to have a go at his partner whilst pretending to have a genuine concern over something, anything, that you can find fault with.

My advice to you is to drop this, embrace your son’s partner and his new life as a husband, if you make things awkward for him you will alienate him.

We aren't double barrelled but my daughter does have a long first name and middle name, then a fairly "normal" length surname.

She can say it. People can spell them, although occasionally ask for confirmation of her first name. They aren't "out there" names, traditional spellings, just not "commonly" used.

If they are of the ilk of "Greenwood-Williamson", people won't ask for spellings anywhere near as often as you think. If they're both unusual, then they will but that would happen for one or the other anyway.

You've said your bit about the logistics as far as you can see. Now leave them to their own decisions.

You're 'upset' because he will have a long name? Odd thing to be upset about. It will affect you how exactly?

Absolutely!