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Original poster

Drunken argument with DH - revealed he has pleasured himself to photos of my friend

171 replies

Hilly25 · 05/04/2025 21:41

I had a night out with my DH last night, our DC were with grandparents so a very rare occasion to let our hair down. We’ve had a challenging 2/3 years in our relationship for various reasons, and our sex life has really suffered with it becoming less regular.

What started as a nice night with food etc turned into a slagging match with shouting and swearing at 1am this morning when we got home - both of us had far too much to drink.

I am not proud of certain comments I made - basically blamed him for our sex life and said he’s a lazy lover. He took offence to this and told me that I can’t talk as I’m a lazy lover ‘and that’s why I have to wank to photos of X’ (my best friend). I told him I didn’t believe him and he went on his phone and found screenshots he’d taken on social media of my friend, some of which were cropped from group photos.

I went ballistic and told him not to talk to me and to sleep downstairs on the sofa. This morning, he is claiming not to remember the details of our argument as he was too drunk and has denied what he said and showed me.

Our DC are back home with us now and I don’t want to cause a scene but I am still furious and feel utterly disgusted.

Can you ever see a relationship coming back from this?

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 06/04/2025 08:30

theoriginalpinkpowerranger · 06/04/2025 07:00

I reckon he’s secretly shagged/shagging the friend.

He wishes.

Booboobagins · 06/04/2025 08:37

So your sex life is poor and he uses your friends pic to stimulate him? He doesn't fancy you anymore then? Is that resolvable?

I'd like to know how you feel though. Do you love each other? If you do work on it. If not end it.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 06/04/2025 08:40

You don’t sound suited as a couple and I couldn’t be with a ‘lazy’ lover. Why haven’t you ended the relationship?

ChopstickNovice · 06/04/2025 08:51

No. You'll never be able to unhear that.

Planesmistakenforstars · 06/04/2025 09:03

Oh you poor thing OP, you must be absolutely reeling. And sorry to say it's unlikely to be the only example of what a disgusting little prick he is. Maybe you can stagger on in a facade of a marriage, miserable, disgusted, sexless and hurt. But as for actually having a relationship with a piece of shit once you know they're a piece of shit? No.

Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 09:07

No. I think you’re done there.

whathaveiforgotten · 06/04/2025 09:46

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/04/2025 06:39

MN is the wrong place to post this stuff, OP. Of course you're going to get a bunch of LTBs.

There's no law that says people can't find others attractive after they marry. It must have been a gut-punch to find out that he fancies your friend, but on the flip side, it "frees" you to find others attractive too. Why don't you get some photos of people you fancy and get to work with a vibrator, too?

I don't think it's a marriage-breaker that he fancies your friend - I'm sure he doesn't actually want to be with her and it's you that he loves. But it was a terrible mistake on his part to tell you about it.

I think you should communicate with him about it. Don't let him get out of the conversation.

I wonder if he would be able to get past her saying she wanks to pictures of his best mate. Women are asked to be so much more forgiving than men.

If she told him that she wanked to pictures of his best mate I would bet my house that he would never ever get over it and never want to have sex with her again as he’d be thinking about her thinking about him.

Her poor friend unknowingly probably being pleasant to this man only for him to crop pictures of her to wank to later. Fucking gross.

Original poster
Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 10:54

I do still love him and I think if I could, I would want to make it work. I know that won’t be popular, but I need to think of our DC too.

Has anyone been through similar and got through the other side? I know it will take time

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 11:00

You could become room mates?
Thats about it though.
Oh, and you would never feel able to have your bf around again.

Coconutter24 · 06/04/2025 11:03

1457bloom · 05/04/2025 21:43

Silly drunken argument when stupid things were said,.

Stupid things were said but those things he said he said, he doesn’t do that when he’s drunk! Or is it ok to wank over your wife’s best friends photos aslong as she doesn’t know?

Ohdearieme2025 · 06/04/2025 11:09

Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 10:54

I do still love him and I think if I could, I would want to make it work. I know that won’t be popular, but I need to think of our DC too.

Has anyone been through similar and got through the other side? I know it will take time

It's not about it being popular, it's about it being possible. You now know he is a creepy sleazer. It cannot be fixed and you are kidding yourself. You will NEVER forget what he has done, nor should you. This is who he is and he has done worse that he as not yet admitted to.

He does not love you and you are wasting your time loving him. I know this for an absolute certainty, for the simple reason that NOBODY treats someone as he has treated you if they love them.

What a lucky break for him, now he will know he can do anything at all and you will just roll over.

In a couple of years, if you stay with this man, you will be back on mumsnet saying you found out he slept with a b and c, and should you forgive him.

But you won't listen, so all the best.

MinnieCoops · 06/04/2025 11:11

No. I’m sorry x

Boomer55 · 06/04/2025 11:16

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 06/04/2025 06:42

I'm a bloke (for clarity)....... right up to the bit where you wrote about him cutting/editing pictures up, I was going to write 'there's two sides to the story/takes both of you to make the sex side of things work'..... but his admission of doing what he's done and proving it to you (however drunk) is....... not good.

It's not even occurred to me to do that (and your post got me thinking it has to be said) but there's a line you know? (or should be).

Perhaps other men do it and I'm just old fashioned? (I'm in my 50's) - perhaps it's a younger generation thing.

Another poster wrote about blokes being weird little creatures or borgs. I can assure her that we aren't borgs (but yes, perhaps weird - although that could be described as 'unique' and there is a huge difference between us fellas. I'm lucky enough to have 4 v v close friends and we are all seriously different). We are not all like the blokes portrayed on mumsnet (where, naturally, some of the more extreme examples of human behaviour and humans overall are described).

Got to say though that this behaviour of the op's husband is definitely not good imo whether the sex is bad or not. That goes far deeper than just a lack of sex. Has implications right across the board (of entire gamut of the relationship). I actually think he's ill.

We all know that kids/life/schooling/financial pressures/older parents/illness/just life you know? changes things in the relationship (particularly for the woman imo) in that sex and desire (on the woman's side) becomes driven far more from the emotional support side of the relationship bracket than the physical stymulus side (oh look, hubby has a 6 pack). The triggers for a good sex life are far more in the head (so to speak) than physical, speaking from experience. I know because I've been found wanting on that front I'm afraid. Took me a v v long time to work it out.

Also - don't get pissed with your husband - far better to stagger things so one drinks on a night out whilst the other doesn't - saves you both from terrible arguments at 1am (but his photo editing exploits needed to come out actually regardless).

Yes. Absolutely nailed it. Not all men are sleaze bags (unless I've been exceptionally lucky!).

👍

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/04/2025 11:20

So he dropped the mask before, he is disgusting. He must make your friend feel very uncomfortable. Sleazy.

aylis · 06/04/2025 11:25

He's a dirty bastard and this is incredibly offensive towards both you and your friend. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 06/04/2025 11:35

Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 10:54

I do still love him and I think if I could, I would want to make it work. I know that won’t be popular, but I need to think of our DC too.

Has anyone been through similar and got through the other side? I know it will take time

He detests you! His actions speak to that. He has not changed after the last comment about your friends bottom. You repulse him. He is telling you all this. Listen more carefully. Watch his NVC’s. It’s insidious but in one way or another he is shouting it loud and clear for all to see but you.

They say love is blind and on Mumsnet it gets proven everyday.

Vibgyor · 06/04/2025 11:38

This isn’t about a drunken argument OP. He is wanking over your friends photo when he’s sober. I can’t see how you could forgive that.

Original poster
Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 11:43

We spoke this morning and he broke down and admitted to what he said/did. He swears it was only once when he was in a bad place and that he was looking at photos of me too. He feels nothing towards my friend and was not looking at her face, it could have been any random woman and he never will know why he chose my friend.

He says he is mentally broken and willing to get help to save our marriage.

I’m torn, I really am 😥

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 11:45

Only you know, OP, but that sounds like bullshit to me. Say anything to get out of a mess bullshit.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 06/04/2025 11:47

Wanking to other random women is crass but less offensive. He said what he said about your friend in order to wound you deeply.

I don’t know him. He sounds pathetic. It’s your life.

He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Alcohol made him slip up. Watch your back.

staceyflack · 06/04/2025 11:49

🤮.... I couldn't recover from that. Best of luck 💐

Watermill · 06/04/2025 11:50

Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 11:43

We spoke this morning and he broke down and admitted to what he said/did. He swears it was only once when he was in a bad place and that he was looking at photos of me too. He feels nothing towards my friend and was not looking at her face, it could have been any random woman and he never will know why he chose my friend.

He says he is mentally broken and willing to get help to save our marriage.

I’m torn, I really am 😥

Why had he cropped her face from group photos then?

Fucking pervy liar.

Is there a reason why you think this is all you’re worth? Abusive childhood?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 06/04/2025 11:52

No definitely not, get him the feck out of your life. Lawyer up while kids are young enough for you to have a happy life!

Planesmistakenforstars · 06/04/2025 11:57

He feels nothing towards my friend and was not looking at her face, it could have been any random woman and he never will know why he chose my friend.

Weird then that he cropped multiple pictures specifically of this friend and no one else to wank over. After making a comment about her body that bothered you in the past. The lying and the lack of accountability must be so infuriating.

He says he is mentally broken

Oh, and the making it all about poor, sad him.

TheGentleOpalMember · 06/04/2025 12:03

Hilly25 · 06/04/2025 10:54

I do still love him and I think if I could, I would want to make it work. I know that won’t be popular, but I need to think of our DC too.

Has anyone been through similar and got through the other side? I know it will take time

"staying for the kids" never works. In fact, kids know. And pick up on atmosphere. Living in an unhappy home does so so much damage. Better to be living separately and happy and kids happy than them living in an unhappy home.