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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
miraxxx · 05/04/2025 16:28

Comedycook · 05/04/2025 15:07

Walk away.

I am shocked OP is still with this man. Wtf!

OliphantJones · 05/04/2025 16:28

Get away from him. He’s a walking red flag!

2men3eyebrows · 05/04/2025 16:28

So he’s safeguarding his own financial future, but expects you to sacrifice your own career and earning potential without offering you any legal protection. The sheer nerve

dogcatkitten · 05/04/2025 16:28

He doesn't trust you. Ask him what will happen to you if he dies (accidents happen) or if he decides to leave you (grass is greener) and if you have children what will happen to them in those circumstances. Why should you take a risk with him if he won't take a risk with you.

Motheringlikeapelican · 05/04/2025 16:28

There is nothing to salvage here
He has told you, by words and actions, over and over again that he does not love or care for you, or even see you as an equal
Please leave as quickly and as safely as you can, and find a life with someone who is a real partner, respects you and commits to you
Whatever you do, don't bring a child into this selfish mans shitshow

CoaltownFifer · 05/04/2025 16:29

He is worried about you ripping him off but he is literally doing it to you and will extend his financial meanness to any children you have. Don't do this to yourself. You have a chance to escape before he traps you with children. Even if he was to miraculously change his mind overnight, I could never trust him again. What a monster.

kiwiane · 05/04/2025 16:29

I’d leave him now.
As for giving up work as it only pays for childcare - that’s really misguided - he is also liable to share the childcare and once you’re children are at school you’d be better off. You often get UC towards childcare expenses or a tax rebate.
I hope you have better luck next time - I can’t believe he didn’t show this meanness early on.

TheGoogleMum · 05/04/2025 16:29

None of this is at all fair on you. Leave him, please

DaringTurtle · 05/04/2025 16:30

Run don’t walk

Hollietree · 05/04/2025 16:31

Whilst I understand his and his family’s concern…… He/they own a property outright and if he were to marry you, you could walk away with half of that asset.

Were a woman posting in this exact scenario, the majority of posters would be saying do not marry, watch out he could be a cocklodger etc.

BUT how will he ever have a long-term relationship and children if he refuses to ever marry or support a woman fairly through pregnancy/having children? He wants to protect himself but is willing to screw over the woman he professes to love, wants to have children with.

I would walk away and find someone who wants an equal partner.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/04/2025 16:31

This man neither loves or respects you. Drop him like a stone.

Tropicalturnip · 05/04/2025 16:32

He's using you to help pay for HIS house. The fact he doesn't want you to own any percent is just ridiculous, and he doesn't care that you'll be trapped, have none of your own money and be entitled to nothing if he left? But you'd be a SAHM looking after his child for free? Omg OP don't stay one more second than you have to. Get a place of your own sorted ASAP and move out.
He doesn't care about you one little bit.

WaltzingWaters · 05/04/2025 16:32

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

DO NOT PAY ANYTHING TOWARDS THE HOUSE YOU’LL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLAIM TO.
Leave leave leave!
I’m absolutely fuming on your behalf!

chakrakkhan · 05/04/2025 16:35

I’m surprised you have to ask this question. It’s blindingly obvious what you should do!

Itiswhysofew · 05/04/2025 16:35

This can't be real.

He'd probably take your children from you as well.

Don't waste your life on this specimen. You deserve a happy & good life

Mammabear42 · 05/04/2025 16:37

please for the love of god walk away!

Couldyounot · 05/04/2025 16:37

No

JSMill · 05/04/2025 16:37

Walk away.

QueenOfHiraeth · 05/04/2025 16:37

Should you walk away?
No
Don't walk, RUN!
If he does not value and resect you at this point it will only get worse when you are depending on him
Save yourself now OP. If I was your mother I'd be on my way round to mount a rescue mission. RUN!

FOJN · 05/04/2025 16:38

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

OP please leave this man.

He is taking your money to invest in an asset you will have no financial interest in.
He wants you to pretend you are married which suggests he wants the status of being thought of as married but does not want to give you the security of marriage.
He wants you to have a baby but does not think he should provide for you or a child.

This man wants to leech resources off you whilst retaining the right to make you homeless and penniless at a moments notice.

A flat share would be preferable to this. Stop giving him any money to repay the loan on the house a start getting yourself ready to leave. Do not accept any 'compromise' he might suggest. This man is committed to looking after his own interests so he will never treat you fairly as an equal partner.

You don't seriously think the financial ramifications of marrying you only occured to him 2 weeks after you moved in together do you? He planned this and he is planning to have you completely at his mercy with a baby too. You should asked yourself what the motives and intentions of such a manipulative person could be. Do not put yourself in a vulnerable position with him.

However hard you think leaving him will be it will be far easier without a baby to take care of. Go now whilst you have minimal ties to him.

AnticleaAndLaertes · 05/04/2025 16:38

For fucks sake love! He is SHOUTING
at you, he's telling you who he is, and how low down the priority list you are. PLEASE please listen.

You are worth so much more.
Do not have a child (or more) with him.

Orangemintcream · 05/04/2025 16:40

Don’t walk away.

RUN away. Run for the hills as fast as your legs will carry you.

AnticleaAndLaertes · 05/04/2025 16:40

Diydanny · 05/04/2025 15:17

Errr. Triple up the contraception???? There would be absolutely no need for ANY contraception if this was me. Run, run, run.

Indeed, my fanny would make the Sahara look like a tropical rain forest!!

CarrieOnComplaining · 05/04/2025 16:42

So he wants to put you at maximum risk and certain loss of income and assets , whilst protecting every cent of his!

HahahaHahahaHahahaHahahaHahahaHahahaHahahaHahaha……

OP, there is no relationship to salvage.

He is prepared to use you, exploit you, listen to his family over you, put his money as a higher priority than working as a team to start a family.

NONE of this is part of a proper relationship.

How dare he give you an ultimatum?

Seriously, if you end the relationship you will not be the victim he imagines.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 16:43

"Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?"
Don't walk away, run. As fast as you can. As soon as you can. I'd start packing NOW.

Serious question - why do you want to salvage this relationship? Not that you can anyway. In truth it never really existed, except as a lure to persuade you to incubate his children and be his skivvy / serf / subhuman domestic appliance. You clearly see that, you've listed most of the ways he can screw you over (and he will). So why are you still there?

Leave. Today. Now.

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