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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 05/04/2025 16:19

Girl, run.

Pleaseee, run and don’t fucking look back.

Do NOT get pregnant.

Get yourself some security, even if just a small rental for now and go find your man cos this man ain’t him. Let him try find some other mug and become someone else’s problem, not yours.

Making you pretend to be married with a ring that doesn’t fit while you birth his children and pay off his/his families house. If you don’t leave then you’re bonkers.

rc22 · 05/04/2025 16:19

Is the house just in his name or in both your names. If you've contributed anything to mortgage payments, work on the house, bills etc don't walk away with nothing without getting legal advice first.

Ticktockwatchclock · 05/04/2025 16:20

This gets worse! Why should you pay towards a house you will never have any ownership of. Please, wit the utmost respect, raise your bar far far higher. Find yourself somewhere else to live, even in a shared house to begin with, and treat yourself with respect by leaving as soon as you possibly can. He is a misogynistic financial abuser who is trying to coerce you into being his house keeper, sex worker and mother of his child. He does not love you!! He will keep you financially dependent on him with few options to change the situation once you have a child. You are unlikely to ever be in control of your own money as he will decide what happens to it.

Blanca87 · 05/04/2025 16:20

In some ways this really easy for you, then. Just walk.

InSpainTheRain · 05/04/2025 16:22

Wow! Please run far and fast. He is not long-term partner material. Luckily he has shown his true colours early.

LadyLapsang · 05/04/2025 16:23

Well you are not married, don’t have any children and invested no money in the house, so at least you can pack your bags and go. I can understand why the parents don’t want to risk you being eligible for lots of their money, but you and your fiancé could have chosen to make your own way in life, based on your savings and earnings and any gifts without reservations from parents.

Gustavo1 · 05/04/2025 16:23

“ He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take”

surely this is exactly your response to him suggesting a baby without the financial security of marriage. It will be hard but you need to leave. You will find the future you want, it won’t be with him.

KimberleyClark · 05/04/2025 16:23

Please leave him.

Fullcircle90 · 05/04/2025 16:24

Run don’t walk

deeahgwitch · 05/04/2025 16:24

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/04/2025 15:08

I'm utterly unable to understand why you WANT to salvage a relationship with this utter twat.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Genevieva · 05/04/2025 16:24

Leave him. He clearly doesn’t love you enough to build a family unit together, without having one eye on divorce. Childbearing and motherhood makes women vulnerable. It causes lifelong lost earnings. Marriage existed precisely to protect women and children from the harm done when men leave them. You deserve that security and you deserve the joy of confirming your joint commitment to a lifelong union and celebrating that with your family and friends.

Vannymcvan · 05/04/2025 16:24

Run. Grab your stuff and leave now.

BrickHedgehog · 05/04/2025 16:24

Probably a stupid question this many pages in but why did you not dump him and leave when he first cancelled the engagement @SummerDaisyChain ? a you need to summon some self respect from somewhere and tell him where he can stick his house / himself

MissUltraViolet · 05/04/2025 16:24

We see so many posts on here from women living your (potential) life but 5-10 years down the line.

Awful partner that treats them like shit/a slave. Doesn’t help with the children, they have to ask for money. They can’t leave because they have no money, no security, never got married, house is in his name etc etc.

You can stop it happening before it starts.

Kandalama · 05/04/2025 16:25

I never usually post on these sort of men bashing threads but I’m making an exception for this one.
Your partner is a truly horrible and manipulative person and you really need to walk away.

Anneta · 05/04/2025 16:25

Please leave him

FullOfLemons · 05/04/2025 16:25

He sounds like a truly awful man and I’m sorry you have wasted your time on him.

This really is a case of LTB

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 16:26

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Why the absolute fuck is he expecting you to pay his parents back for a house you will never own? If you are doing this, stop it right now. He is gaslighting and financially abusing you. I wouldn't put it past him to try and get you pregnant against your will. Make sure your contraception is watertight and stop having sex with him. Make plans to leave him as soon as you can.

LouOver · 05/04/2025 16:26

Run away before he starts tampering with your birth control.

This happens to women by stealth all the time. Take the opportunity for foresight granted to you and find someone who wants to be in a partnership.

DO NOT believe him is he starts singing about marriage again.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 05/04/2025 16:26

😭😭 this man is an incel

Pick a man who wants to provide for and take care of you, instead of settling for one 50/50 guy - this is how they are 🙄

Run, as fast as you can

goody2shooz · 05/04/2025 16:26

@SummerDaisyChain you have GOT to be kidding us…he is offering nothing but sperm, and for this privilege you are expected to help him pay off the house, while going without everything else??
Don’t walk - RUN as fast as you can.

MiniCoopers · 05/04/2025 16:26

This is not a relationship, he’s using you. Leave!

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 05/04/2025 16:27

He's mugging you off lovely.

He's got his mummy and daddy to buy him a house, which he will own outright. You'll help pay them back, but you'll never have ownership or even a stake in the house. Think about that for a minute, in 20 years time you'll have nothing.

He future-faked an engagement to get you over the door.

Now he wants you to have kids so you're stuck there.

This man does not have your best interests at heart and you need to leave him. Why the fuck would you want to salvage this? That would be an act of self-harm.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/04/2025 16:27

Walk away. YABU for not having worked this out yourself.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 16:28

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

This man has the power to make you homeless and penniless. If you’re lucky you’ll get benefits and a bed in a hostel, and you’ll be with drug addicts, women just released from jail and women who fell for the same scam this man is proposing.

If you’re really really lucky you’ll be able to find some work, but he’ll have ground you down by then so you might struggle to get good work straightaway. Your address will be ‘P.O.Box’ and that will be on your bank statements and job application forms until you are housed by the council (no job or money, remember).

I would genuinely rather hear that you are sleeping in a tent tonight than you slept in this man’s house.

Sadly, been there and done that. Still got the bank statements with ‘P.O.Box’ as my address.

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