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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 05/04/2025 16:47

Please leave. You are worth more.

AngelicKaty · 05/04/2025 16:50

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Dear God, so effectively he (and his family) are charging you rent! Seriously OP, you may as well pay rent somewhere else - just tell the CF you thought you'd be getting a husband, not a f*cking live-in landlord! 🙄😡

Estrangedfromadultchild · 05/04/2025 16:50

Why not see your own solicitor and see about getting the house put into both your names with the mortgage (his parents money) recorded officially?

Perhaps they/he hadn't thought this through and his parents are the ones driving. him not to marry you because of the financial implications for them having done a dodgy transaction/ not taken legal advice on protecting their interests?

If the house was in your joint names and you got married, on divorce you would only be entitled to your share of the equity built up by paying the mortgage/ change in value* of the property through your joint work etc.

I'd definitely be hurt and feel i'd moved in under a promise of marriage and now he's broken that promise and morally equity is on your side.

If he doesn't want to get married, what about a civil partnership as a form of legal engagement? He's been a twat, but if you did love each other when you got engaged maybe this is salvageable but only if he isn't such a mummy's boy and he can see he needs to put your needs first as an adult in an equal relationship If there is to be any future?

*House values can go down as well as up.

Endofyear · 05/04/2025 16:51

Blimey he sounds a right charmer 🙄 no way on this earth would I be having children with him! You have zero financial stability in this relationship, you need to leave and find someone who wants what you want.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 05/04/2025 16:52

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

I can't quite believe what I've read here.
What are you getting out of the relationship? More to the point, why are you still in it? Why on earth didn't you leave when he broke off the engagement?

You are paying into a house you have zero claim on, and will have no legal protections whatsoever if you were to get pregnant, he wants you to bear his children, and both he and his family have zero respect for you?

Please say at least that you're not relying only on condoms for contraception.
Don't get trapped with this man who sees you as a second class citizen. You will have a miserable, miserable life.

Realistically, you have no ties (no joint assets, bank accounts etc.?) so you can just walk away.

You say you're in the UK, are you both English?

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 16:54

Comedycook · 05/04/2025 15:07

Walk away.

Run away

MissUltraViolet · 05/04/2025 16:55

Some of what he has said/you have assumed regarding his family also doesn’t make sense.

Apologies if it’s been covered already. I’m not a legal person and I’m sure others on here will be able to provide more accurate advice but I am fairly sure that his parents can easily protect the money they have put in to the house. It can be ring-fenced or whatever the legal term is, so if you did get married and then divorced they absolutely wouldn’t lose half of anything they put in.

Not that it matters, run.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 16:58

HolyStyleFailBatman · 05/04/2025 15:12

Also, sell the ring he gave you

Definitely sell the ring and put the ££ in a secure bank account.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:00

Diydanny · 05/04/2025 15:17

Errr. Triple up the contraception???? There would be absolutely no need for ANY contraception if this was me. Run, run, run.

My vagina would clamp shut immediately as I packed my bags.

CheeseWisely · 05/04/2025 17:00

RUN away from this absolute joker.

FOJN · 05/04/2025 17:01

Estrangedfromadultchild · 05/04/2025 16:50

Why not see your own solicitor and see about getting the house put into both your names with the mortgage (his parents money) recorded officially?

Perhaps they/he hadn't thought this through and his parents are the ones driving. him not to marry you because of the financial implications for them having done a dodgy transaction/ not taken legal advice on protecting their interests?

If the house was in your joint names and you got married, on divorce you would only be entitled to your share of the equity built up by paying the mortgage/ change in value* of the property through your joint work etc.

I'd definitely be hurt and feel i'd moved in under a promise of marriage and now he's broken that promise and morally equity is on your side.

If he doesn't want to get married, what about a civil partnership as a form of legal engagement? He's been a twat, but if you did love each other when you got engaged maybe this is salvageable but only if he isn't such a mummy's boy and he can see he needs to put your needs first as an adult in an equal relationship If there is to be any future?

*House values can go down as well as up.

This is very bad advice. Please read the OP again, there is nothing in there to indicate this man is amenable to reason therefore this relationship cannot be salvaged unless the OP gives into him and gives him what he wants whilst her security becomes increasingly precarious.

HTH1 · 05/04/2025 17:02

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Sounds fair to me. You pay for a house you have absolutely no rights to and pretend to be married so he saves face while you have no protections whatsoever and he can walk away any time with no consequences. Also popping out a couple of kids to make sure you are well and truly fucked.

Or you could leave him and put your money into a house you will actually own and give yourself the chance of meeting someone who loves and cares about you and will marry you for real.

Like 100% of posters on this thread, I would pick the second option.

ChaToilLeam · 05/04/2025 17:04

Leave this shitty man, right away. He is using you.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 17:08

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

No. Move out and rent a room.

VielleTruite · 05/04/2025 17:17

What a catch! Yes! Fly into his arms immediately and bear this Adonis a legion of little cherubs! Alternatively, tell him to go and engage in sexual congress with himself and go and find yourself someone who isn't a completely unhinged helmet 🙄

Olive567 · 05/04/2025 17:17

No, no, no, run - and i say that as someone who naively went into similar situation in my 30s and am having to financially start over in my late 40s.

Hollietree · 05/04/2025 17:18

HTH1 · 05/04/2025 17:02

Sounds fair to me. You pay for a house you have absolutely no rights to and pretend to be married so he saves face while you have no protections whatsoever and he can walk away any time with no consequences. Also popping out a couple of kids to make sure you are well and truly fucked.

Or you could leave him and put your money into a house you will actually own and give yourself the chance of meeting someone who loves and cares about you and will marry you for real.

Like 100% of posters on this thread, I would pick the second option.

Yes this!

RedHelenB · 05/04/2025 17:19

Walk away. He has no love for you.

Londonrach1 · 05/04/2025 17:19

Ran don't walk. A real man who loved you wouldn't do this

JandamiHash · 05/04/2025 17:22

OP I’m begging you to walk away from this grabby, selfish twat of a human. Definitely don’t subject a baby to a father like this. What a prick to not marry you because he wanted to text his wallet. I hope you win the lottery, tell him, and throw him a 10p piece. It would literally be more generous than he’s ever been to you

Thedogscollar · 05/04/2025 17:23

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/04/2025 15:08

I'm utterly unable to understand why you WANT to salvage a relationship with this utter twat.

Absolutely this. It's a no brainer. He's a horrible man with a horrible family.
Find somebody better. It shouldn't be difficult.

Canterranter · 05/04/2025 17:24

Don't walk, run.

Bananalanacake · 05/04/2025 17:30

Walk out now, he doesn't see you as his equal. Where did you live before, can you move back.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 05/04/2025 17:44

RUN! >>>>>
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

gotmyknickersinatwist · 05/04/2025 16:52

I can't quite believe what I've read here.
What are you getting out of the relationship? More to the point, why are you still in it? Why on earth didn't you leave when he broke off the engagement?

You are paying into a house you have zero claim on, and will have no legal protections whatsoever if you were to get pregnant, he wants you to bear his children, and both he and his family have zero respect for you?

Please say at least that you're not relying only on condoms for contraception.
Don't get trapped with this man who sees you as a second class citizen. You will have a miserable, miserable life.

Realistically, you have no ties (no joint assets, bank accounts etc.?) so you can just walk away.

You say you're in the UK, are you both English?

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

OP posts:
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