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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 05/04/2025 16:07

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/04/2025 15:08

I'm utterly unable to understand why you WANT to salvage a relationship with this utter twat.

This

ThisAmusedAzureLurker · 05/04/2025 16:08

WALK AWAY NOW !!!!

LBFseBrom · 05/04/2025 16:08

Don't marry him and for goodness sake, do not become pregnant.

Make plans to move out, rent somewhere furnished for a while, even a studio. Look on Rightmove today.

This man wants the best of both worlds but he will realise soon enough that life isn't like that. However you don't need to be in the middle of it, you can do better.

Watermill · 05/04/2025 16:08

Run for the hills @SummerDaisyChain

TheBishopIsKillingMe · 05/04/2025 16:08

Run, and then run some more xx

Blanca87 · 05/04/2025 16:10

Your post has been up for one hour and you have 7 pages saying the same thing. That is really all you need to know.

VerySkilledFirefighter · 05/04/2025 16:10

Nope. If you are financially more vulnerable, do not have children without being married. If that is a relationship breaker, then it’s over.

He’s showing you now that money is more important than the people he loves, and this gives a clue on how he might behave if he leaves you in future after you’ve had kids.

And I’m the much higher earner in my relationship with DH and I am happy for him
to have half of everything I earn while we’re together, including my pension, and would be happy to share this with him on a divorce as we’re a partnership.

Vaxtable · 05/04/2025 16:12

Never mind walking start running

he doesn’t give a shit about you, and is only thinking of himself.

leave now find someone who cares about you and not the money and who doesn’t have an expectation that your marriage will fail

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 15:15

Whose name is the house in?

Who pays the mortgage?

You say his family lent him the money, do you mean the deposit?

Leave, or sort the finance (depending on your answers to these questions) then leave.

You could be in a Premier Inn or similar by tea time. Takeaway dinner, feet up, Saturday evening telly.

Just leave.

None of this “but I luffs ‘im” shite we get on here.

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

OP posts:
Watermill · 05/04/2025 16:13

Mate! Don’t be a mug…

Stigsmother · 05/04/2025 16:14

WTF have I just read? Here is my first LTB, while you still can.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 16:14

He wants people to think that he’s treating you decently and wants you to lie about your marital status. He’s a pig.

Leave.

AirborneElephant · 05/04/2025 16:15

You need to think about why you are even asking this question. He wants 100% of the benefits, 0% of the risk, is not willing even to support you to look after his child while you are supposedly a couple, and wants to be completely free to walk away from you at any time with no obligation.

Of course you can’t salvage this. Walk away.

MimiSunshine · 05/04/2025 16:16

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Don’t pay anything or stop doing so.

as a poster says above, he knows he’s being a shit partner as that’s why he wants you to pretend to be married.

leave

YouLookinSusBro · 05/04/2025 16:16

Leave ASAP

Createausername1970 · 05/04/2025 16:16

Don't walk away..... RUN.

He has shown you what he is like. He is not a nice person. Do not tie yourself to him.

Can you stay with family for the time being till you sort something else out?

Don't put one single more penny into this relationship than you have to. Your name is on nothing, you have no assets - so therefore you have no liabilities.

CountryMouse22 · 05/04/2025 16:16

He sounds like a monster!

TwistedWonder · 05/04/2025 16:17

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Honestly he’s taking you for an absolute mug. He’s charging you interest to pay for a property he refuses to let you have any financial interest and and won’t marry you he side that would entitle you to a claim! Please wake the fuck up and stop letting this abusive twat take the piss out of you.

ElleintheWoods · 05/04/2025 16:17

Walk away.

While I disagree with marriage as a concept and it is largely a asset pooling contract, your discussion has purely become a legal negotiation at this stage, there's no love or care for one another left in there at all. Where's the romance?

Sounds like neither of you is a significantly higher earner than the other, but he just has significantly higher assets?

It does sound like the relationship is pretty much dead in the water, also considering that he's pressuring you into having a child you don't want.

However, if one of the parties refuses to marry for valid reasons, there are multiple legal avenues available to still provide for the children and (ex) spouse in case anything happens, which he seems unwilling to discuss.

He just doesn't sound like someone you should marry, or would be able to build a happy life with. He's not generous or loving. And I say this as a lawyer!!

Personally, I don't think any woman should have a baby, married or not, unless they are in a position where they'd cope as a single mum. Life has shown that largely a parent doesn't have to provide, unless they want to. In my family most women have been single working mums and the last thing they've wanted (if the father wasn't dead/ a non-earner) was to waste energy chasing some man for peanuts money. Rather pay their own way than chase some bloke for a few hundred a month - or potentially pay them as a higher earner! Many dads also go 50/50 with no maintenance payments, so you'd have to budget like a single mum anyway.

My point here is you want to have children with someone, you should be confident that they have the character to love you and the children, and act graceully and honourably if you split. Plenty of decent men around that are desperate to be dads, pick one of those instead.

Bumdrops · 05/04/2025 16:17

Wow !! He’s an arse hole 🕳️

TheHouseElf · 05/04/2025 16:17

Leave. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you.

But he does want to control you. Get out now.

Tagyoureit · 05/04/2025 16:18

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

Absolutely fucking not!!

Why are you helping to pay it back?

Leave him, for the love of God, leave!! This man will never see you as an equal partner in anything then you'll end with baby he wont pay for, skint and trapped.

Leave, leave, leave!!

Astrak · 05/04/2025 16:18

I hope that you are already planning your stealthy exit. Is he likely to become violent if/when he discovers your plan?
It's "ducks in a row" time.
Good luck.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 05/04/2025 16:19

No you shouldn’t walk away, you should run, as fast as you can.

StrangerThings1 · 05/04/2025 16:19

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 16:12

The house is in my partners name only, he will never put my name on it or allow me to own any percentage.

There is no official mortgage on the house, him and his family put money together to buy it outright (paid the entire sale price upfront). So he is paying them back, and expecting me to pay them back also, for the loan they gave him plus interest rates.

Edited

There is no way on earth I would be paying back a loan or interest for anything that I didn’t partly own….him and his family are users

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