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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 06/04/2025 00:21

OP do you value yourself so little that you'd still with this man?

JenniferBooth · 06/04/2025 00:25

Bet hes an Andrew Tate follower

Bigcat25 · 06/04/2025 00:25

SapphOhNo · 06/04/2025 00:21

OP do you value yourself so little that you'd still with this man?

She said she's planning to leave, but needs to save up.

PrincessFairyWren · 06/04/2025 00:35

Be very very careful OP. It is VERY likely that he is sabotaging your birth control. Please stop having sex with him.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 06/04/2025 00:43

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/04/2025 15:08

I'm utterly unable to understand why you WANT to salvage a relationship with this utter twat.

Exactly my thoughts! You should run a mile away, OP. I can hardly believe you would allow him near you after he breaks the engagement to avoid sharing his wealth with you, tells you to pretend you’re married and then urges you to have children without the protection of marriage. What a jerk!

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 06/04/2025 00:49

I don’t understand why you’re financially dependent on him though, OP. You mentioned giving up benefits. But you have no children and don’t mention being disabled, so why can’t you work and live on your wages? That’s what most people do. And it’s a lot better than living with someone who’s using you.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 06/04/2025 01:11

Don’t waste another minute of your time and leave asap

JHound · 06/04/2025 01:44

Girl…..

I hope this is not real but if it is you should already be packing your bags and moving out.

Ireolu · 06/04/2025 01:54

Run, and never look back

Kitkatcatflap · 06/04/2025 02:08

Where is the love?

adviceneeded1990 · 06/04/2025 02:18

Is there a reason you can’t work and become financially independent away from this man?

Zapx · 06/04/2025 02:21

“I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.”

Am I reading this right that you’d want to give him full custody of any potential future children? Why?

This sounds all round like a total disaster tbh OP, but planning to hand over full custody of any future children sounds really… odd and unusual?

Feefifothumb · 06/04/2025 03:02

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 00:12

Before moving in with him I was on universal credit to help pay my living costs. When I moved in with him my benefits ended. (When living with a partner the benefit system considers your income, assets, and savings as being joint even if you aren't married). What he has in total is considered to be over the limit.

So yes, looking back on it now I should not have given up my benefits to move in with him.

OP, it appears that you have been groomed by your partner and he has taken advantage of a vulnerable person.

After only being together for a relatively short time, he gets you to give up your own home and financial autonomy, by proposing marriage. But now you are living together, he says no to marriage, no to being on the house deeds, but you can be his brood mare. As that's all he thinks you are good enough for. I bet you are doing everything in his house and he isn't lifting a finger to help.

You don't mention any of your own family or friends. Presumably not around because they would have told you already what everyone here is telling you. To run for the hills!

You say you have no finances, which he has made sure you don't. But if you are helping him to pay back his relatives how are you doing it? But nevermind that, you were on benefits before, you can apply for them again as soon as you get away from that man and his relatives.

No man is better than any man. You had a life before and you can get it back by leaving him and better that you start the process immediately.

Tbrh · 06/04/2025 03:21

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

Edited

I don't understand, why are you financially dependent on him? Don't you have a job?

Daleksatemyshed · 06/04/2025 08:13

I'm not sure he ever wanted to marry you @SummerDaisyChain , he waits until you're living with him then says the engagements off, sounds more like he thought once you lived together he'd get all his own way. If your're paying rent you're more like a lodger who he expects to have his DC.
Most importantly there's no love there. I hope you can move out and on very soon, better a bedsit than a life with a man like him

SardinesOnGingerbread · 06/04/2025 08:38

If you stay in this, I believe it will be the worst regret of your life. I think you will torment yourself with why you didn't leave now. The fact you're even considering staying means you're already dangerously invested.

PinkEasterbunny · 06/04/2025 08:53

If you choose to stay (your choice entirely) refuse to have children until you are married.

GetMeOutOfMeta · 06/04/2025 08:59

Does anyone know if a refuge would be able to help here, as financial control is still abuse?

MaybeThisTimeILlbeLucky · 06/04/2025 08:59

OP you don't need to justify why it might be a bad idea to have DC with this man.
I'm sure all the subsequent posts say this.
However he sounds meshed with his family and they clearly don't care about you so if you had a baby with him they would not take note of you and your role send your going to have a massive fight on your hands re birthdays, taking baby away and treating you like the nanny.

Most morally sound men on a first marriage send children want their love and children to be secure

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/04/2025 08:59

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 00:12

Before moving in with him I was on universal credit to help pay my living costs. When I moved in with him my benefits ended. (When living with a partner the benefit system considers your income, assets, and savings as being joint even if you aren't married). What he has in total is considered to be over the limit.

So yes, looking back on it now I should not have given up my benefits to move in with him.

He’s got you exactly where he wants you, completely dependent on him and powerless to do anything about it. Do you have any family you can stay with? If not you might need to look into a women’s refuge. You need to get out of there. Ideally don’t have sex with him. But I appreciate you may find this situation hard to navigate so for goodness sake make sure your contraception is cast iron.

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 06/04/2025 09:05

What are either of you getting out of this relationship?

MaybeThisTimeILlbeLucky · 06/04/2025 09:06

Op your lucky you have not had children with this man I've never heard anything so appalling, demanding children, kindly offering to take them whilst you start from scratch again to house them??

What planet is he on what an embarrassment, wouldn't any mum's of sons be absolutely appalled to have raised such a man

BlueMum16 · 06/04/2025 09:07

Do not have a baby with this man.

I'm not sure why you are still with him as he's broken off your engagement.

Prioritise yourself and what you want. If you see a future together what does that look like - don't compromise.

healthybychristmas · 06/04/2025 09:18

I can't believe you're even considering marrying him or living with him or even speaking to him. Why would you put yourself through that?

Streaaa · 06/04/2025 09:18

Contact Women's aid.
You are in a highly abusive, controlling relationship with a manipulative man.

He NEVER had any intention of marrying you, EVER.
He wants a baby, a skivvy, a housekeeper.

You have been scammed.
You need to get out of that situation asap.

Do not have sex again with him.
This is a really bad man.

You need to go to a refuge if you can.
Call Womens aid and ask to get out of there asap.

He wants you pregnant, penniless, and stuck.

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