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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 05/04/2025 17:54

He isn't a "partner". He's a boyfriend. And not a very pleasant sounding one at that.

AirborneElephant · 05/04/2025 17:56

If you are concerned about his reaction then please do take care, but please do try to leave as soon as possible. You can contact woman’s aid for help getting out❤️

Daleksatemyshed · 05/04/2025 18:04

Under some circumstances I wouldn't say he was unreasonable to want to keep the house in just his name, I'd say the same thing to a woman who posted in his position. What is massively unreasonable is he's now declared you should help pay for his house, you should wear a ring and pretend to be married and he thinks you should have his child- you'd be a total mug to go along with that- no legal status in his life, no home if you broke up. Keep your head down Op until you can move out then just get out of there- him and his family are treating you like a gold digger but still think you should give him all the perks of being a married man, please prove them wrong

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 05/04/2025 18:04

Wow, he wants you to buy him a house, maintain it and produce some children at no cost to him?

He is a monster and he didn't decide this after you moved in, it's what he intended all along.

Stay safe, get out and don't look back.

BakelikeBertha · 05/04/2025 18:20

I am SO pleased to hear that you're quietly making your plans to leave OP. I had visions of you being yet another woman, who simply cannot see that the man she's entangled with, is bad for her. Keep safe and let us know if you need any more advice, we're all here for you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/04/2025 18:39

@SummerDaisyChainYou can claim UC as a single person. I’d speak to them. You can’t stay in this relationship.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 18:44

AirborneElephant · 05/04/2025 16:15

You need to think about why you are even asking this question. He wants 100% of the benefits, 0% of the risk, is not willing even to support you to look after his child while you are supposedly a couple, and wants to be completely free to walk away from you at any time with no obligation.

Of course you can’t salvage this. Walk away.

Precisely. This man has no honour.

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2025 18:47

There's nothing to salvage

Hankunamatata · 05/04/2025 18:51

Id get out of his house ASAP. It's not your first home, he is letting you live in his house. I'd look for a house share or a yhting and get out now

Tdcp · 05/04/2025 18:57

This is my first ltb. Honestly, I can't believe what I've read. Run away as fast as you can.

Glittertwins · 05/04/2025 18:59

Unbelievable, get out of there now

Vincenoirsrootboost · 05/04/2025 19:04

Gosh op, I can’t believe what I’ve read. He’s an awful person. He would be a terrible, selfish father. Don’t have children with him. Leave as soon as you can.

justusandthecat · 05/04/2025 19:06

Run fast and run far. This man will tie you to him with a baby, financially abuse you and dump you when the next one comes along and you will have nothing.

Topjoe19 · 05/04/2025 19:06

Don't walk. Run. Like your hair is on fire.

Bikergran · 05/04/2025 19:07

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

Don't walk away, RUN. He and his family sound just nasty. Pack your stuff, move out, keep the ring and flog it (gold is high at the moment). Block him on every device. There are much better men out there for you.

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 19:08

Terrribletwos · 05/04/2025 15:18

Does he want you pregnant so he can stay in the UK?

No, we were both born in the UK with British passports.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 19:09

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 19:08

No, we were both born in the UK with British passports.

No, he wants you pregnant so that he has you trapped.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 19:13

Forgive me, but the OP's BF reminds me of the misogynistic men who used to say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

He's using the OP to help pay his bills, to do housework and to provide sex. Even worse, he now expects her to provide him with children and childcare.

What does she get in return? A roof over her head which she can lose at any second?

The BF is vile.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/04/2025 19:14

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 19:09

No, he wants you pregnant so that he has you trapped.

Totally agree. My ex husband did this. When our baby was 2 he buggered off and left me to bring him up 100% alone. I think he absolutely enjoyed the fact that he knew he’d upended my life and could still control it. Fucking hideous abusive behaviour. Don’t be me. I love the very bones of my son and he is the light of my life, but to say the impact on my life has been catastrophic in so many ways, mentally, financially, loss of career etc etc, would be an understatement.

Branleuse · 05/04/2025 19:15

I cant see that there is anything in this for you.
Hes literally told you that he doesn't want you to have any security. He just wants you as a brood mare.

At least hes told you his plan in advance, so you can tell him to fuck off .

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 19:17

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

Edited

I'm so relieved that you're leaving him! Otherwise he would suck you dry and leave just a shell of yourself behind to be his domestic servant.

BellissimoGecko · 05/04/2025 19:22

Fucking hell, what an immature dickhead. Dump him and walk away.

Blueuggboots · 05/04/2025 19:27

Why oh why would you WANT to salvage this relationship?!! He sounds like a grade A cunt!!

WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 19:29

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/04/2025 19:14

Totally agree. My ex husband did this. When our baby was 2 he buggered off and left me to bring him up 100% alone. I think he absolutely enjoyed the fact that he knew he’d upended my life and could still control it. Fucking hideous abusive behaviour. Don’t be me. I love the very bones of my son and he is the light of my life, but to say the impact on my life has been catastrophic in so many ways, mentally, financially, loss of career etc etc, would be an understatement.

Thank you for sharing this.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 05/04/2025 19:32

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

Edited

Please set fire to that shred of hopefully now-diminished hope that this relationship can be fixed.
If it's leaving you're worried about, or having somewhere to go, then you know you're staying for the wrong reasons.
Are you totally financially dependent on him?
Do you work?
Have you any family you can stay with?