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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He ended the engagement, is now pressuring me to have a baby

398 replies

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 15:06

Me and my partner had been engaged for six months at the time we moved into our first home. Two weeks after moving in he told me that we can't get married any more.

He had received free legal advice and was told that a prenuptial agreement is not legally binding, which means I could still divorce him and get half anyway, even if I signed the prenup. Which I had always agreed to sign from the beginning. He said it's a financial risk he isn't willing to take. For reference we live in the UK.

I don't belive it was just the legal advice which changed his mind. His family gave him a loan to buy this house but if we got divorced they lose half the return on their investment, so they don’t want him to marry me.

He tried justifying himself, said marrying you doesn’t benefit me and it would be irresponsible. I said why did you propose then? "It was based on emotion."

Then out of nowhere he gives me a wedding ring, saying that he wants me to wear it and tell people we're married even though we are not and never will be. It was the wrong size, he said there’s nothing I can do about that but there was a tag on the ring that allowed returns. He just couldn't be bothered.

A few weeks later he started pressuring me to get pregnant and won’t listen. If I refuse to have children he will end the relationship with me. But I only agreed to have children under the terms of marriage, if he had told me sooner he was not going to marry me I would have never moved in with him.

I am worried about having children for the following reasons.

My income only covers childcare so I would have to give up working and be a stay at home parent. We can't afford two cars running on a single income which means I won't be able to buy one. He won’t give me an allowance for spending or saving money. He refuses a cohabitation agreement or marriage or home equity after his family told him not to sign anything. But I am still expected to invest in the property.

So if we separated I would become legally homeless because the waiting list for a council house is several years. That I would need as my income will never be enough for raising two children on my own.

I said to him, if I ended up in this situation you should take full custody of the children. He said he won't do that because it's too expensive being a single parent.

If he died or became disabled the house will go back to his family and once again I’m left with nothing.

To me it feels like he keeps all the assets but I take on all the liabilities with no compensation. He won’t take any risk for me so I don't see why I should do it for him.

Is there any way I can salvage this relationship, or should I just walk away?

OP posts:
SophieJo · 05/04/2025 19:32

Don’t walk, run! He doesn’t respect you.

JaniceBattersby · 05/04/2025 19:40

When I met my husband I had just been a student for four years in an era of cheap credit and I had significant debt. I was on a low-paid grad job. He owned his own home and had a v good job, having not been to uni. Within five months he told me he wanted to move in with him (quite some distance for me, and I had to apply for new jobs) but didn’t want me to be financially vulnerable so he paid my debts off and put me on the deeds of the house. We got married six months later and have been married 20 years with 4 kids. I had to take four maternity leaves and not once did I feel like I didn’t have equal access to money. We have one joint account and all our savings are joint. He still earns more than me.

That’s financial equity, and if I didn’t have it I’d have never married him.

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 19:49

Terrribletwos · 05/04/2025 15:18

Does he want you pregnant so he can stay in the UK?

No, we were both born in the UK with British passports.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/04/2025 20:16

I’ve just been reading another thread from a woman at the end of this situation, no marriage, not on deeds, house paid off, all in ex partners name, she’s sacrificed earnings and pension to raise their children. Now the relationship’s over and she’s penniless while he has a house in his name she has no claim to. The thread title was something about partner won’t put me on deeds. Go and read that to see your future.

DuesToTheDirt · 05/04/2025 20:19

Back in the sea with this one!

DuesToTheDirt · 05/04/2025 20:27

But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Why would you want this fixed? It's too late, his behaviour is unforgiveable.

GetMeOutOfMeta · 05/04/2025 20:35

You have to walk away. Keep taking your birth control. Getting women pregnant is a common way men try to get control over them. They don't actually want a baby or with you, they just have to make you need them.

Pootle23 · 05/04/2025 20:48

Run for the hills as fast as you can.

CornishDew · 05/04/2025 20:58

Wow there’s is a lot in your post, but here’s just a few things:

• If you have jointly bought this property, without signing documents showing a % division, you own half the property. If you sell without getting married, you can walk away with half
• Your salary doesn’t just cover the childcare. You are only responsible for 50% of the childcare you need. Even with some flexible part time work of 3 longer days per week, that’s the pay of nearly 4 days and you are only responsible for 0.5 days of nursery fees and you will be caring for the child the other 2 days. The rest comes out of your partners salary if you want to be that specific
• Secondly, it’s not too late to upskill. I have gone back to studying whilst working full time in my late 30’s to increase my salary potential. You can too

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 22:29

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

Edited

Yes, it’s safer to leave without him having any idea that you’re leaving. He’s tricked you into moving in under false pretences and now he’ll be paying back the loan by himself.

AnotherEmma · 05/04/2025 22:39

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 17:49

I haven't ended the relationship yet because I'm financially dependent on him and do not qualify for benefits (I would have to open a joint claim as we live together but his assets/ income are above the limit)

At this time I'm arranging my own methods to leave without him knowing about it. I've been told it's better to leave when he is not home, to avoid an unreasonable reaction from him. But I posted on here with small hope that maybe it could be fixed and I wouldn't have to leave.

Yes, we're both English and born in the UK.

Edited

Stop giving money to him and/or his family. The house is in his name, not yours, so you shouldn't be paying towards it.

If you have your own job you are not completely financially dependent on him. Do you have any savings?

Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with while you work out somewhere to live in the longer term?

You can claim UC as a single person if you have separated but still living in the same house for practical reasons, but you would need to answer questions about your living arrangements to confirm that you are actually separated.

However, it sounds as if he has the potential to be controlling (financial abuse at the very least) so you are right to quietly make plans to leave.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 22:52

This can’t be fixed. His family are holding the purse strings and want you to pay back the loan with interest but have no right to the property. They have money and they sound ruthless.

You may not earn much but you have agency - you can leave. You may as well pay rent in a house share instead of paying off his loan.

You have been cruelly manipulated into this situation, don’t be tricked into getting pregnant because once you have a baby you will never be able to untangle yourself from this man and his family.

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:14

100percenthagitude · 05/04/2025 15:44

I'm interested: what were your plans, @SummerDaisyChain ?

You moved into a joint home knowingly, prior to marriage and after a short engagement, with this level of financial inequality.

How long have you been together?

Were you assuming that when you married, his salary would allow you to be a SAHM?

Your argument, that he should have full custody of children (plural) if you separate.. was that said for impact or is that genuinely your starting position - to lose the kids... And children, plural. Where did the two children, come from. Have you a child already?

The plan we agreed on was to move in together, get married, have children, and I would be a stay at home parent while he works to support the family. It was his preference for me to stay home after having children.

We have been together now for 1 year and 3 months. Do not have any children but he is desperate to have a first child now, then two more within a few years.

I said to him that because we are not getting married any more, if we did separate I would be left with nothing. I would have nowhere to live and no money. If I became homeless, it would not be fair or safe for the children to come with me. So to keep the children out of poverty and danger, he should take full custody until I can provide them with a roof over their head.

OP posts:
TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 23:18

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:14

The plan we agreed on was to move in together, get married, have children, and I would be a stay at home parent while he works to support the family. It was his preference for me to stay home after having children.

We have been together now for 1 year and 3 months. Do not have any children but he is desperate to have a first child now, then two more within a few years.

I said to him that because we are not getting married any more, if we did separate I would be left with nothing. I would have nowhere to live and no money. If I became homeless, it would not be fair or safe for the children to come with me. So to keep the children out of poverty and danger, he should take full custody until I can provide them with a roof over their head.

Edited

Do not have children with this man.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 05/04/2025 23:19

I said to him that because we are not getting married any more, if we did separate I would be left with nothing. I would have nowhere to live and no money. If I became homeless, it would not be fair or safe for the children to come with me. So to keep the children out of poverty and danger, he should take full custody until I can provide them with a roof over their head.

OR you could just not have children or even stay with such a selfish man who evidently thinks very little of you and find someone much nicer.

justjuggling · 05/04/2025 23:22

Don’t walk away, run. As fast and as far as you can from that awful man.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/04/2025 23:22

If you are not good enough for him to marry, then he is not good enough for you to conceive / carry / birth his child/ren.

You can do so much better !

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:34

CornishDew · 05/04/2025 20:58

Wow there’s is a lot in your post, but here’s just a few things:

• If you have jointly bought this property, without signing documents showing a % division, you own half the property. If you sell without getting married, you can walk away with half
• Your salary doesn’t just cover the childcare. You are only responsible for 50% of the childcare you need. Even with some flexible part time work of 3 longer days per week, that’s the pay of nearly 4 days and you are only responsible for 0.5 days of nursery fees and you will be caring for the child the other 2 days. The rest comes out of your partners salary if you want to be that specific
• Secondly, it’s not too late to upskill. I have gone back to studying whilst working full time in my late 30’s to increase my salary potential. You can too

He will not put my name on the house or allow me to own any percentage of it. He also won't pay half the cost of childcare because in his mind it's cheaper for me to stay home and provide all the childcare for free.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 05/04/2025 23:36

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:34

He will not put my name on the house or allow me to own any percentage of it. He also won't pay half the cost of childcare because in his mind it's cheaper for me to stay home and provide all the childcare for free.

He's using you. Do not have children with this man. Leave.

TheLavenderLantern · 05/04/2025 23:39

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:34

He will not put my name on the house or allow me to own any percentage of it. He also won't pay half the cost of childcare because in his mind it's cheaper for me to stay home and provide all the childcare for free.

Why are you even considering staying with this man?

TwistedWonder · 05/04/2025 23:44

SummerDaisyChain · 05/04/2025 23:14

The plan we agreed on was to move in together, get married, have children, and I would be a stay at home parent while he works to support the family. It was his preference for me to stay home after having children.

We have been together now for 1 year and 3 months. Do not have any children but he is desperate to have a first child now, then two more within a few years.

I said to him that because we are not getting married any more, if we did separate I would be left with nothing. I would have nowhere to live and no money. If I became homeless, it would not be fair or safe for the children to come with me. So to keep the children out of poverty and danger, he should take full custody until I can provide them with a roof over their head.

Edited

You’ve only been together just over a year and yet you say you’re financially dependant on him - how? That doesn’t make sense. This isn’t a long term marriage where you’ve stayed at home for years.

It’s a very short relationship. How were you managing to pay your way in life before this?

Regardless of anything else, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period and he’s already treating you like a complete mug. Why are you tolerating this treatment?

MrsTWH · 05/04/2025 23:51

How are you already financially dependent on him?

How (and why) is he then expecting you to pay towards a house you have no legal rights to and don’t own?

Don’t just walk away, run. As fast and as far as you can from this selfish POS!!

ThinWomansBrain · 05/04/2025 23:59

Amazed you're even asking - and still there.
Leave
print a copy of the responses and leave it for him.

nomas · 06/04/2025 00:07

Terrribletwos · 05/04/2025 15:18

Does he want you pregnant so he can stay in the UK?

Hmm

Not all abusive men are foreign.

SummerDaisyChain · 06/04/2025 00:12

TwistedWonder · 05/04/2025 23:44

You’ve only been together just over a year and yet you say you’re financially dependant on him - how? That doesn’t make sense. This isn’t a long term marriage where you’ve stayed at home for years.

It’s a very short relationship. How were you managing to pay your way in life before this?

Regardless of anything else, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period and he’s already treating you like a complete mug. Why are you tolerating this treatment?

Edited

Before moving in with him I was on universal credit to help pay my living costs. When I moved in with him my benefits ended. (When living with a partner the benefit system considers your income, assets, and savings as being joint even if you aren't married). What he has in total is considered to be over the limit.

So yes, looking back on it now I should not have given up my benefits to move in with him.

OP posts: