Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

You'll need to tell them you need a holiday away from all thoughts of work and you want a week of 1-1 with your dd as you have had a lot on, that you don't want to get into, and you both need it, so you won't be able to meet up at all this time. Do this BEFORE the holiday.

If you bump into each other say hello, ask if they are having a nice time, then say sorry need to go, enjoy your holiday.

If they show up at the van, come out, close the door (body language) say hello then say, must be getting on got things to do with dd, have a good evening and turn away. If they stay be more firm - I explained I need time with dd and I won't be able to meet up, and just keep repeating the same thing. You do not owe them further explanations.

Stick a large Do Not Disturb sign on the door @Craquedechevalier

Say something soon to her. Polite, firm and cheery.

Because sometimes, a well-crafted excuse allows everyone to save face, which is especially useful when they all have to work together.

I agree that excuses won't work in this case though - you need to just be frank, OP, and I'd do it well in advance.

Just say ‘oh I can’t just now!’ No outright apology, explanation, or excuse. If they ask why: ‘I just can’t’. Don’t get drawn into giving any information as it’ll be ‘oh we’ll only come in for a moment’ or ‘but we’ll be quiet’ etc. Also don’t say ‘maybe later/tomorrow’ as that might be taken as an invitation. If pressed for a later date, say ‘let’s see how things go, I can’t commit to anything just now’ all nice and cheery. If ‘oh but it’s raining!’ then just say ‘I know…’ not your problem so don’t get drawn into it!

‘I’ve already got plans’ works too, esp for babysitting. Your plans might well be just reading or sitting in peace on your own… still a perfectly valid plan!

It really isn’t rude to say ‘no thanks, I don’t want to’. It’s clear and direct, which is what CFs like this require. It’s also not anti-social, nor rude to want to spend a week alone.

I hope you do say that to her.

Have the conversation before you go so she knows the expectations. She is a CF-shown with how she booked herself a single ticket assuming you would watch her kid.
Tell her you think it’s great that she enjoyed the festival last time. You also enjoy it because you value the time being alone, which is why you don’t bring your family. You’re really happy that she has bought some better kit and will be well prepared. You’re happy to meet up for coffee on one of the days but you won’t be available like last year and certainly not for baby sitting duties.

I'm not sure a 'Do Not Disturb' sign would work. I'd expect someone like her to think, 'Oh, that doesn't apply to US. We're special, we're her friends!'.

Not easily done. There is one convenient campsite that enables me to come and go to the festival site easily. Other campsites are a 20-minute walk/ bus ride/ cycle ride away, and if the weather's poor it means everything is harder and more tiring. I've got this week down to a fine art.

Or “if the caravan’s rockin’ don’t come knocking’”

let her explain that to her daughter 😂

I know I can't believe she booked the ticket. Yet you say she isn't a CF? Maybe you need to check your boundaries @Craquedechevalier ? She definitely sounds like one to me.

Is there any way you can move campsites if you ask the organisers /tickets provider? I’d hate this & wouldn’t be able to relax thinking she’d be knocking at any given moment. I’d also struggle in the here & now to actually turn them away (esp if they claimed cold, just popping in briefly etc) even if my reasons for doing so were justified & valid to me eg need decompression time/space or just not want any company etc. I would fear it would get back to work that I’d snubbed or been rude to her & so that would eat into my enjoyment of the time there. Easy to say tell her you just want your own space harder to do in practise imo.

I think it looks worse if you were to try and avoid them and hope they ‘get the message’, but personally I prefer people to be direct so maybe that’s just me. However I would definitely take her to a side ahead of the trip and say (or even over a text if easier)…‘I dont’ want it to come across as though I’m avoiding you when we’re there, I love hanging out with you guys, but I really value the time spent away by myself to rest, read, do some sleeping and recharge my batteries. So whilst I’m happy to meet a couple of times for coffee, I do rely on my alone time when there. I was a lot more sociable last year than I normally would be. I really hope you understand’

One of those situations when you’re going to have to take your people pleaser pants off and put your big tough girl pants on.

if she comes around, be proactive with the narrative. Invite them over on Wednesday. Don’t let them control when theycoming around. If they try to come early, repeat, we arranged meeting on Wednesday (or whenever) and then on Friday, have a new invite for Friday coffee.

I was just going to say this.

An excellent sign I saw at a Renaissance Fair office was “DRAMA FREE ZONE”

Just read yr last update - swapping not a goer

I am still amazed she assumed you’d babysit. I am awkward enough asking a friend to watch my kids. Or even paying someone to do it. I can’t imagine just assuming (and that’s where I gave up trying to see her side)

Do you want to see them at all when you’re away or would you rather not even have a coffee? Cause if you are happy to meet them once I’d make a specific plan for the second half of the week and just repeat that plan over and over again as needed (after an honest chat beforehand of course - just thinking about the actual trip). If you don’t want to see them at all that’s also fine but you should decide that now so you can be 100% clear from the start.

I’d maybe ask if there is a volunteer tent you could go to as a retreat to sit and relax/read during the day. Then it’s maybe just the evenings where you are busy as you are zooming family /helping kid with homework.

I would honestly rather a 20 mins walk in the rain than constantly be on edge that "Agnes" might suddenly knock on my window.

It's not ideal but the alternative isn't either.

Btw it's not selfish to want time to yourself.

But does @Craquedechevalier love hanging out with them? I wouldn't. I love dcs but if I was wanting a week alone I wouldn't want to entertain an acquaintance and their dc. At all. And I wouldn't.

She's a CF, and you're too soft. Just politely say you won't be able to host or help her that week, but you could catch up and compare notes when you're back at work. Clear and polite. No excuses or apologies.

I agree. Tell her clearly and unequivocally before she sets off so she knows that a repeat of last year isn't going to happen. If necessary tell her your weren't comfortable with last year's situation and you need time to yourself. And she is a CF.

I like this.
I'm a terrible people pleaser so would opt for a different campsite but I think I'd try this first.

Cheeky f*ckers rely on peoples fear of awkwardness. So you just have to embrace the awkwardness.

CF knocks on your van. You open the door.
CF: Hello! We were just passing.
You: [Slowly, looking confused]. O… hi.
[An awkward silence ensues while CF waits for you to ask how she is or invite her in. You do not. You just allow the awkward silence to do its job.]
CF: Well, can we pop in and see the van?
You: [Slowly, again confused, but now slightly horrified.] Sorry, no it’s not a good time, actually. See you around! [Close the door].

It will seem as if you are being rude because that’s how they make you feel but actually they are being rude by imposing on you so you just have to lean into it. Repeat if necessary.

CF: Hello! Is it all right if we just grab some hot water?
You: Sorry, what?
CF: Can we just get a bit of hot water from the van?
You: Don’t you have your own hot water?
CF: Well we do but it’s a bit of a pain to boil the kettle.
You: Sorry it’s not a good time. I’m just in the middle of something.
CF: We’ll just be a minute!
You: There’s a coffee van just down the road.

@Obvnotthegolden so would I. I've walked 20 miles in the rain before, some of it heavy. That's because I was doing a long distance walk and had to get to the next place.