Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Use your words. Say "i will be busy" and if they turn up, turn them away. You don't have to be ultra polite, if they think you're a grumpy ol' meanie they won't want to spend time with you.

I think if you phrase it kindly, then I'd go with the "me time" line. Tell her you really value the recharge from being by yourself in the caravan and you've got several good books lined up to read. Really ram it home that having the caravan to yourself is the entire reason you go on this trip every year.

Now you've got yourself into this hole though, I think you will need to meet her once, if you value a civil work relationship. Suggest a coffee shop or something, anywhere that isn't the caravan.

If she doesn't accept "me time" as a reason, she's a tit, as it's perfectly valid. If she pushes you, stand firm.

I would just be busy every time she knocked I would say oh I am sorry I was just about to..... Be clear be consistent if she says about joining for dinner oh i have already cooked and have only bought enough for one

Just say no. I not understand why you kept inviting them in last time. Just meet with them once and say you have plans for the rest.

And make it absolutely clear you can’t babysit while she goes off and does her own thing.. Cheeky fucker.

I think it depends on what level of assertiveness you can manage to muster up.

I would find this difficult, but equally would not want my trip ruined so would have to push myself to sort it before going.

Personally I would say something like you’re glad that they enjoyed themselves last year but want to let them know that you won’t be available to socialise this time because you have planned to work remotely and read several books while you are there and therefore won’t be free.
If you feel that work related stuff is too vague because of her being a colleague, then say something like you are using the opportunity to do an online course that you are interested in, or something similar.

That's awful of her. Can you change your campsite to get a bit of distance from her?

Even if you're in different campsites she will try to spend time in your van, so I suggest white lies - you have a headache, you have a family zoom dinner, you're exhautsed with your volunteering so you're about to have a nap.

As you work together, and she is a CF, I think it could misfire if you flat out say you don't want to spend time with her, as she'll be pissed off and may cause issues in work.

If she asks you to babysit again, I think you could tell her that you're volunteering so can't- if she's pushy enough to ask you what your schedule is, you could tell her that you're on 'on-call' to fill in for sessions which are understaffed.

Hopefully she gets the message, and you can limit your interactions to a couple of cups of coffee.

It sounds like a fantastic way to spend a week, I hope you can avoid her and enjoy it this year.

Would you feel comfortable sending a message along these lines?

”To be honest I desperately need a break and some me time and I’m really looking forward to getting that at the festival so I won’t be being sociable with anyone other than a very quick coffee once or twice I’m afraid! Have fun with DD though, I know you’ll both have a lovely time!”

tell her that you are glad she enjoyed it last year, but you volunteer for this every year by yourself as a kind of retreat. That you are happy to see her about, but you dont want to have any sort of pressure of being a friends holiday with her and her child, as it completely changes the whole vibe for you. That youre sorry and feel awkward now, but need to be upfront

If I say I'll be busy she'll probably smile and say 'I know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van.' Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me.

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing people who assume people are happy to spend time with her and her child. She's a single mum: it can't be easy, I know. I can't help it that I'm someone who needs my own space.

Just say "not convenient at the moment, I'll give you a shout when it is". Be very friendly but very firm. Have some excuses ready - on phone to home, work to sort out before volunteering, headache and resting etc etc. I had a woman colleague who wanted to spend every lunch break with me, couldn't stand her either. Just had a list of reasons why I was going earlier or later or needed to make an urgent phone call. Stay firm, she has a cheek.

We can hang out like last year' she said.

That was your cue to say actually I'm really looking forward to a week by myself, it's why I go and my family don't. I would set expectations now or she'll ruin it again for you. Are you always a people pleaser? I don't understand why you accommodated them last time. Sorry I'm busy/relaxing/reading is all you needed to say.

Then you need to be a bit blunt and go with the "me time" explanation and offer to meet for a coffee or two at a fixed time only.

If you want a way to say no chance that guarantees she'll respect that, leave you alone and won't make things awkward at work I think you're out of luck.

You may have to say no and accept you can't control how she reacts to that.

Can you buy some window blinds from Temu or eBay so she can’t see when you’re in the van? I’d also have some excuses lined up - you’re about to go into a zoom meeting, you’re about to have a nap and not feeling well etc.

Tell her beforehand that you’re very busy either helping out elsewhere or having quiet time but you’re happy to meet for a coffee one day.

just say no to babysitting, who cares if she’s bought tickets, you’ve got other plans

'oh no! I've changed things up a bit this year so don't have time to hang out.. lets have a post event debrief to compare notes! '

Say that you will be doing silent meditation the whole time. You won’t be able to socialise or hang out. You booked this by yourself to specifically try silent meditation as it would be selfish to do it at home. You can boil a kettle for her and deliver it to her tent at ( specific time), ‘ after that I will be on my silent retreat.’

Honestly OP you need to put your big girl pants on. Just tell her you look forward to the solitude, that your DH and DC don’t come because it’s your time being on your own. This is the truth.

Or change campsites!

or take your van out during the day and use the campsite for sleeping and showers

I think you just have to be honest that you're really wanting some alone time and won't be able to host them in your van or look after her daughter while she's attending any activities. You're not being unreasonable and if she gets the hump, that's not your problem. I would clear this up before you go away.

See I don't understand this as I'd just be completely honest:

"Sorry but this is my alone time that I take every year to be by myself and recharge my batteries - the whole point of it for me is getting away from everyone (tinkly laugh) maybe we can have a coffee one day but il have to let you know"

But I have no problem with being quite abrupt. It doesn't sound like she's a friend, more of acquaintance so who cares if she takes offence? She has no problem with being a total CF and riding roughshod over your obvious attempts to stop her inveigling herself into your holiday. If she takes the hump it's a Win win imo.

I didn't invite them in. I'd be sitting there reading or eating or lying down and they look in the windows and see me. I guess I could draw the blinds but I don't want to have to spend the whole week with the blinds drawn when I'm in there. Hiding from them seems the worst option.

It's a camper van, by the way, not a caravan. If I had a caravan I could leave it on site, get in my car and take myself off for some peace and quiet. But with a camper van once I'm there and I've got the electricity hooked up and the gas on and the stabilisers down and my stuff sitting out, it's quite a hassle to pack it all up and go off for a half a day to be on my own.

Say that you already have your week planned out and you'll catch up with her when you get back to the office.

If she turns up, remind her that you already told her that you were busy.

Seriously, just tell her you're there working not for fun. Why make such a song and dance about it, making up all kinds of excuses, saying you're there for 'me time', when the simple fact is that you're there working as a volunteer.