Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

If you don't say something now then next year she'll be suggesting you all go together in your camper van.

When they see you pop out of the van say hello and quick chat then say have a lovely day I am going back to my book/a nap/get ready/phone home/eat. Dont invite them in. If they ask to say "can we come in" reply "not really set up for visitors hopefully see you around"

Realistically thet do sound more prepared for the weather this time and must actually want to attend the festival or surely they wouldn't return so hopefully not too much of an issue.

"Agnes - I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this time away is my time to be on my own, to unwind, decompress and enjoy the volunteering and the festival. I'd be happy to meet up for a meal, but I really need to spend most of the time doing my own thing - I hope you understand."

Start by managing expectations right now. Tell her that this your me time and you're looking forward to a week by yourself.

And when you're there, just keep politely declining anything you don't want to do. You don't need reasons, you just say it doesn't work for you or isn't convenient or you have other plans.

"Cheery outgoing" type or not, this doesn't give anyone the right to impose themselves on unwilling others.

"Oh, I hope you have a lovely time! I'm afraid I won't be able to see much of you what with my volunteering and having to do some remote work. Plus I'm shattered so need some time to myself. But let's meet up for coffee on the Tuesday"

Just tell her that you go on your own without your DH and kids on purpose as you need this time to yourself to decompress.

Say that you don't want to sound rude but spending time with her and her daughter defeats the object of your week without your own family. If you had wanted company, you would have brought your DH and your kids.

Can you change your campsite?

If not, you are going to have to put your big girls pants on.

Sorry Laura, I need this week to recharge and don’t want to socialise during my down time after volunteering.

In these situations, I'm just honest. I say I go on holiday specifically to recharge my batteries and be away from my day to day environment. That includes not hanging around with colleagues.

Tell her you'll be working so cannot socialise, and also you go away for some much needed me time so you cannot host. Text her and let her know. If you stop hosting, maybe she'll stop coming to the events, or at least stop expecting anything from you.

That is my definition of a cheeky fucker. It doesn’t matter whether she is unaware or cheery, she’s taking advantage of you (and probably others). Getting a ticket before arranging a sitter is incredibly cheeky.

You need to be very direct ahead of getting there. It’s your time, you have always enjoyed this space for yourself, you won’t be available for socialising/child care. Say this, then if and when she appears to push boundaries you can remind her of what you said. You won’t be being rude, she will be. If you feel the need make up a difficult time recently bla bla a bla. I wouldn’t though.

Direct and polite has always served me.

Reply and say "I'm really pleased you enjoyed the festival. Please don't take this the wrong way but when I go to this festival it's actually a bit of a retreat for me from the pressures of everyday life and I very much enjoy alone time and a chance to reset my thoughts. Whilst I love your company, all the hanging out last year didn't allow me to achieve that reset so if you don't mind I'm going to decline hanging out. Hope you have a great time"

Can you book at a different campsite?
Even if you end up losing money, I’d do it in this situation. And if she is offended / asks why, you can give the “I need time to myself to recharge” line.

First of all that sounds like a lovely trip, your colleague not included!
This is a really difficult one. I absolutely understand not wanting to have the conversation. She shouldn't be putting you in that position. Are you sure she's oblivious to what she's doing? The red flag is buying a ticket for a show and then asking you to babysit.
I think - if I didn't have the clear-but-kind chat beforehand - I would definitely do the blind thing (sorry, I know you said you don't want to) and then I'd have a series of evening Zoom meetings that I couldn't get out of, interspersed with tickets for evening things. I'd probably lie my head off and say my best mate was leaving her husband and needed to talk, something like that.
I am terrible at any confrontation. I would find this intolerable. Sorry.

I think you do have to just say it because she obviously doesn't understand the alone time need at all. You tell her that you really like her and her daughter so you didn't want to be rude but you really missed your alone - and particularly child-free - time last year. You really like your husband and your own children too but you have specifically chosen to do an activity that they don't join you on because you need this time alone. This means you do not want any guests in the van during your time there, but sure you can meet up for a coffee at the festival.

An annual week like that sounds fabulous!

I think you probably let it go too far last year, but I can see how it happened, I don't handle things like that on the spot too well either. Luckily this year you are not caught on the hop, hopefully you can find a way to diffuse it before you leave. Tell her that it will be lovely to meet for a coffee (not the van) and you're looking forward to it. But also tell her you have a lot of commitments and plans for the rest of the time. Don't elaborate too far, it's not her business how you plan to spend every second! Good luck.

You have to be honest. And firm. Have some practice lines ready for using when needed.

As an aside when is summer half term?!

"It's great that you've got better equipment now, I am really looking forward to spending 100% of my time with my family, completely uninterrupted." But I have form for being a passive aggressive nob. In all honesty OP you have to be blunt with people like this. Have some stock phrases ready for when she shows up. None of them should include "I'm sorry, but.." No apologising, just blunt and to the point. If you open the door to your van don't step back so she can get into the space. Step out and deliver one of your no-nonsense stock phrases. It's not easy if you're an accommodating people pleaser, but it's either that or you'll spend the holiday like you did last time.

Volunteers work mornings, afternoons or evenings. 4-5 hours a day. It leaves plenty of time to be available for making drinks/ food for them, particularly if they're constantly on the lookout for when you're back from your session.

This is really good, but I'd lose the 'whilst I love your company' part, she'll fixate on that. These sorts of people have a rhino's hide, they don't take hints and will only read what they want to read in a message. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.

Can you book a different campsite without telling her, even if it means taking a financial hit?

"I'm going to be doing some writing, as a possible future sideline, when I'm not volunteering so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't disturb me at all - I'm sure you understand".

Also use the word retreat.

Stop being do accommodating and meek. You do not owe her anything

The best way to go is being clear about needing to be alone. It’s ridiculous you put up with this.

What is this “i is felt I could not say no” to babysitting your daughter?! Because she already assumed you would babysit her?

she sounds manipulative . Who did she think woukd look after her daughter when she bought the single ticket for herself? …you! She is factoring you in as free babysitter and I can guarantee you that she will up it a notch this year , as you enable/allow it 🤷‍♀️( because you are nice and generous)

‘Sorry that doesn’t work for me. I hope you have a lovely time though!’

if they are frankly, rude enough to impinge on you and your time and rely on you being too polite to say anything then you have to be rude enough to say no, that doesn’t work for me! No need to be nasty. As others have said firm and polite. If she takes offence then it says more about her than you.

My god that sounds horrendous. It would drive me to do something drastic like just not go!

Do you have a choice of campsites? Is there any way you can arrange it so that she can’t find you? If not then I would just have to send her an email setting out the boundaries I’m afraid…

"It will be lovely to meet you for coffee once or twice, but I'll have to limit it to that because I’ve got a lot of other stuff to do and I need to be alone to focus on it." If she asks what stuff, just say "personal stuff".