Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

here you go!

OP, don't change campsites!!!
But do buy a Do Not Disturb sign, and email or text her using the suggestions above. You don't owe her an explanation of how you are spending your time.

Hey CF,
That's great you've got a better tent. Afraid we can't hang out - I need a complete break from anything work and family related, so will be doing my own thing. Anti-social I know, but it's really a kind of retreat for me away from it all, sure you understand. Have a lovely time with DD and see you when we're back at work.
Best,
OP

And relax....

I mean that privacy film so you can see out but they can’t see in.

I do hope you take a note of all the suggestions on here and don’t come back moaning after the event.
You’ll just have to stand your ground very firmly because you were so accommodating last year and have given them the green light to basically use you.

It depends on the cost of the ticket but I can see a scenario where she's bought a ticket on the off chance and isn't too fussed about not being able to use it. And the OP is too nice to say no - but if she had, no harm done.
Or the woman is a full-grown expert-level CF.

I’d go with this and add a line about not even bringing your DH with you as it’s your annual recharge from normal life.

I think the “won’t see much of you” leaves the door open.

I would say you will have to get together at some point during the week. You will look at your schedule. But you have already planned your days around the literary festival work and because you are on your own for that week it was the perfect time to get all the things you need to focus on done otherwise once you get home then life takes over and things go to pot.

I never understand why so many people respond on threads like these recommending all sorts of convoluted ‘excuses’ to give. That seems almost more stressful than hosting the woman in the first place!
OP you have to address this now, well before the event. “How wonderful you’re going again, I hope you and DD enjoy the camping experience more than last year. I am very much looking forward to the festival, I’ve been going for X years and I really value the time by myself, so I hope you’ll understand that I won’t be looking to hang out this year. Perhaps we could meet for a coffee on X day at X place though?”

But why would she have to? She clearly likes this site but it’s being spoilt by the CF. She should not be driven out by the needy c*w.
If it takes rudeness to see her off, she should be rude!
I hope she enjoys her time away, and doesn’t give in!

“Much as I enjoyed last year, this is my week of me time so it’s not going to be possible to hang out like we did then. Perhaps we can catch up for a coffee on the site one afternoon “

This is a nice way to put it.

You definitely need to make it clear before you go.

unfortunately your only option is being awkward ahead of time or awkward every day of the event. And before hand is better so you aren’t dreading it for months. She’s ridiculously cheeky to have done this to begin with so I wouldn’t feel guilty at all.

Urghh this is so awkward isn't it? How do you tell someone you don't want their company kindly? It's a snub even if it's not personal.
I completely understand you btw. I like going on solo camping trips too. Love the freedom of pleasing myself and not having to consider anyone else.

I would be tempted to stay elsewhere if that's an option?

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

It's because a lot of people are terrified of any sort of conflict or saying no or asserting themselves or prioritising themselves in any way. It feels very frightening to them. Genuinely frightening. Back when I was a champion doormat I would feel physically sick at the mere thought of not doing what I thought others wanted me to do in case they were annoyed with me.

It was ridiculous, looking back, but it was horrible feeling.

Can only speak for myself but because other people taking the piss literally brings me out in a rash if I confront them! I hate it so much! And because I hate it I'm liable to be far harsher than necessary, so then I hate myself for not being better at it.

Can you move your booking to a different campsite?

Just tell her and manage her expectations. Say you’re not going to be socialising as you need a complete break/have work to do/are doing mindful meditation/whatever. Add to this by clarifying that this means she won’t be able to come in the van or get water from you.

If she does try to knock on your van, just smile and repeat what you said: “I’m sorry, Olivia. As I said, I’m working/meditating/whatever and am actively detaching myself from all outside intrusions whatever they are, so I’m afraid I can’t let you have hot water or invite you in.”

I wouldn't say you love her company. People like her just see that and it blots out the rest of the message. Honestly, I go away on writing retreats and people tell me while I'm that place I should meet up with X or Y, and I have to say - I'm going there specifically to not meet up with people. They really need it spelling out or they just think you're like them and can't comprehend not wanting to hang out constantly. You can be nice but still be clear and draw the line firmly.

Oh, the number of times I've wished it wasn't considered rude just to say 'I don't want to!' 😂

OP, speaking as someone who also takes a holiday alone every year and very much needs it to recharge, this would be my idea of hell! I was cringing as I read it. You definitely need to reset expectations. I liked @WonderingWanda's suggested wording.

"I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own."

Absolutely don't.
Don't rely on a third party who isn't involved to back you up or make comments. It could only go horribly wrong. Tackle this yourself.

It will be a similar situation again unless you learn to stand up for yourself and be polite but firm. “ I didn’t feel as if I could say no” needs to become “I’m sorry but I can’t help as I’ve got other things I need to be getting on with.”

When they come out with “know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van” then you need to be really firm - “sorry but that’s not going to work for me as I need to take time to have some downtime by myself in between my shifts, it actually makes me quite stressed out having other people in the van”.

I would nip it in the bud now, in advance. Speak in person or send a text that you wanted to let her know that you won’t be available to get together at the festival as the time when you’re not working will be taken up with catching up on reading and getting some much-needed time to be be completely alone as that’s something really important to you.

OP, you have 2 choices here, you either politely tell her that you are not available, or you let them crash into your life.

This will happen every single year unless you put a stop to it. I said to my mum once when she kept moaning about something - the only person who can say no is you, X is not going to stop asking.

I know you don't want to seem rude but you need to be firm now before you go, and tell her that you won't be available this year. Just keep reating it no matter what she comes out with "sorry but no" Then if they actually turn up when you are there, you have to repeat it and refuse to let them in.

She needs to go there knowing that she has to rely on her own equipment and that she doesn't have a babysitter. If she keeps bothering you then you will have to be very blunt.

Only you can stop her from ruining it.

Do this. But re the meal, add something in about going to one of the places you can eat on site. Otherwise she'll assume they're coming to the van, to be fed by you, and that'll be one evening / day gone as it'll be hard to get rid of them.

The window film is also a great idea.