Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need me to stage an intervention for you. I don’t give a toss!

As there's not really the option to stay elsewhere, you are going have to tell her honestly that you don't want to hang out and why. Impress on the fact that it's not personal to her (or her daughter) - you wouldn't want to share this week with anyone, be it friend, relative or otherwise. You relish the time alone, it is very restful and restorative. That's what you go for.

you have a few options.

1. Suck it up and accept this is an annual thing now and get used to your new tone-deaf bestie and her small child!
2. Be extremely clear with her and make sure she understands that you dont want this.
3. Dont go to the festival anymore

Its put you in an awkward postion, but its an opportunity to work on your boundaries and assertiveness. She completely imposed herself on you last year, and for some reason she didnt even realise that you didnt enjoy it as much as she did (or didnt care). It didnt even occur to her to check first.
Thats not someone I would want to become closer friends with, or be particularly bothered about falling out with

I am just chuckling because I started reading this and thought it was going to say: “I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need some company: why don’t you put the kettle on!”

Talk to her beforehand. Tell her you know it may come across as anti-social, but you're planning to use the time to read, recharge your batteries, meditate etc. You may get chance to meet for a coffee once or twice if your rota allows, but the van will be off limits for visits as that will be your 'me' time. Then get some privacy film for the van windows that lets you see out and no-one can see in. Oh, and a big Do Not Disturb sign to hang on the door.

Honestly, OP - it's time to put your foot down VERY clearly.

I'd send her a text so she has it in writing and can't attempt to brush you off or talk you round. I'd be pretty frank, something like...

Hi colleague, just wanted to clarify a few things re the half term event. I won't be available for hosting in my van at all this year so giving you the heads up to be ready for all weather eventualities, just in case. I am aiming to use this week as my annual 'alone' time, when I can come and go as I please with nobody to have to look out for and hours of blessed silence to read and do nothing in gaps between volunteering. As lovely as it was to see you last time, I didn't get my annual dose of solitude and I really missed it. It really is important to me to have this time to myself every year. Let's grab a coffee at the festival if I see you, but apart from that I won't be available. Hope you have a wonderful time.

You need to be BRUTAL and if she does turn up, even with a very soggy child in tow, tell her it's not a good time for you and shut the door!

If not, she's going to ruin one of your favourite weeks of the year EVERY YEAR!

She really is being a bit of an entitled CF, OP.

From bitter experience I agree, and even all the advance warnings can be brushed aside with an invented emergency: "I wouldn't have dreamt of disturbing you but ..."

Which is why I said to open the van door, say a quick "I'm afraid I can't ..." and immediately close it again

You need to stop thinking that prioritising your own wants and needs on your own holiday is selfish!! It really isn't

I don't think it's cheeky for her to want to spend time with you but do think it was cheeky of her to expect to be fed and watered, especially without contributing. How did that come about, did you just happen to have extra food? Did she explicitly ask or did you offer?

There’s no need to change sites anyway, and why on earth should you change your plans at all. You know the holiday you want so just give her a clear heads up so you can relax when you’re there and please yourself without fear of intrusion. Send the message now and be firm. If you don’t, you won’t be able to enjoy it at all.

I wouldn't say I enjoyed last year when I didn't. It just encourages the thick skinned CF to keep imposing.

You do know she will just drop the daughter at your van and run, relying on your good nature?

I agree. This isn't even a close friend, it's a work colleague. She must have a skin like a rhino to think that her behaviour is acceptable. She pretty much took over OP's van last year and as for the babysitting, words fail me!

OP should just tell her that she doesn't want her own DH and kids with her, never mind anybody elses.

FFS grow a pair and tell her beforehand that it was too much!

OP now this is the way to go 👆

And even ‘grab a coffee’ has leeway for her to assume it’ll be at the van and keep calling. Don’t give an inch or she’ll take a mile.

She’ll be counting on you for free child care. I would be very firm that you’ll be busy and that you won’t have leisure or energy to babysit. She’s a CF so I’d say you WILL have to be firm.

What a nightmare.

Her issues as a single parent are absolutely not your problem. I can’t stand people who use that as a ploy to impose on others.

This is why I keep my private life private.

Actually Jane I found it really difficult last year, it’s my week on my own to recharge as I want a down week. I don’t want to host anyone like I felt last year and I was rather put out particularly when you left me with your child - I deal with enough children at work. Thank yii look for your understanding.

that’s it - be direct

You are an adult....take a deep breath and tell her that your lovely time away is incredibly important to your wellbeing and as much as you enjoy her company at work ( regardless of whether you do or not ) you do not want anyone else there with you. It is your well earned break to do as you please. She is being a CF and using you.

Many people don't understand or relate to the fact that some of us are genuinely happy to spend time alone. They can't imagine wanting to do that. They think you are being stoic and would welcome company really.

I do it during the summer holidays...couple of nights camping on my own here and there...I go for a long cycle taking stops where I want to, come back to my cosy tent to rest, eat what I fancy and look at my photographs. I go for a walk in the evening and check out points of interest that I want to see. No moaning, no compromising, no obligations. It's blissful. I could do a week easily.
I have a pal who has lost count of the amount of music festivals she's gone to on her own. She gets similar responses to me - some people think it's an odd thing to do.

I would hammer home
I'm not here with my own children so why would I want to spend my time with someone else's??

Just say “Oh, I’m sorry if you misunderstood, I don’t want to hang out with anyone, I have personal time planned” and wish her a great time meeting people. Sheesh, it’s not rocket science.

Exactly. Don’t people-please.

”Sorry, I’ve got my free time set aside for studying; not available for socializing this go round. Have a pleasant week; see you back at the office.”

This x1000.