Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Wow, I didn't realise you enjoyed it that much.
I won't be available to socialise or baby sit this year - this is my "me" week and I found you being around so much overwhelming.
I'm sure you'll have a good time without seeing me

1. Tell her you need time to yourself.
2. Make it clear that you won’t be hosting in your van.
3. Also advise her that you won’t be babysitting - ever.

I love the silent retreat idea. She doesn't even have to believe it.

Honestly though I like @ALunchbox's idea. I really need a break away from all reminders of work. You're great 'n' all, love seeing you the rest of the year but this one week I need to carve out to be alone.

Maybe talk about the introvert/extrovert thing. Again you don't need her to agree with you, just to respect your choice.

She is not your problem and she is either very thick skinned or a CF or both

You've had some good suggestions. Hoick your big girls' pants and tell her how much you can see her and that's it (and not in your van)

And get yourself a Do Not Disturb sign and use it!

Life is too short and at times too tiring to lose these small but vital respites and time for yourself.

You really need to have a quiet word and say something like, I'm so pleased you enjoy the festival, but I have commitments there and when I'm not volunteering I really value and need time to be alone. I read, I relax, and I recalibrate as I have such alot to do in general, so while it'll be nice to bump into you round the campsite, I'd ask that you don't come round my van as I really just need and enjoy the alone time, its the only peace I get all year!

This! It's nothing personal about not liking her or her DD (even if it is!). You don't even want your own family there. You absolutely need to say this now and be clear or she won't get it. I know you say she's not a CF, but making you babysit is cheeky AF. It's your holiday and you need to assert your boundaries around it or it'll be ruined again.

I would also probably look to rearrange my campsite if at all possible. Otherwise you will just have to ignore them as much as possible but I understand why that will be hard in practice.

But she is a CF. She bought a ticket for herself without checking if you would be willing to watch her DD. She inserted herself into your free time without asking if you wanted company.

Get some of the window foil that allows you to see out but not in. Don't answer if they knock and keep the door locked.

If they catch you coming back to the van tell them you're going to be doing some work now so unable to have company.

Their camping experience is not your problem, and if she tries the babysitter request again say you have volunteer duties at that time!

You just have to tell her the truth. I know it's difficult and awkward but unless you do, your break will be spoiled (again). I'd probably write her a note so I could choose my words carefully and not be sidetracked by her cheery interruptions.

Dear ...
As you know, I'm attending the ... festival again this year in my camper van and I just need to be clear about my reasons for going. I enjoy the volunteering side of it but I also desperately need a lot of time to myself as it's how I like to relax there. I hope you won't be offended that I can't meet up with you or invite you over to the van this time. It's nothing personal, I just really need to 'do my own thing' while I'm there and not have any visitors in the van. I'm glad you enjoyed the festival last year and I hope you have a lovely time again with ...
best wishes
....

If she takes offence and/or tries to talk your round, stand firm and protect your privacy and independence.

Can you not just book at a different campsite and not tell her?

I am such a meek person I would probably go with an excuse every time she knocks, like I’m getting in the shower/calling home/reading a book/started making dinner for one.
She eventually get the hint. If she asks you to babysit, you can’t as you have a ticket to that same event, what a shame!

You should probably just be upfront though.

Hi Janet

Whilst it was nice spending time with you last year, this festival is my time for me, which is why none of my family or friends are with me. I'm happy to meet you for a coffee, but I'm someone who needs time out to do my own thing. I'm just not as sociable as you are and want to do this festival on my own, usual terms.

Do NOT apologise, as you're doing nothing wrong. She's the one gatecrashing.

Text

Hello CF colleague
Thank you for your offer to hang out at the Festival but I'm going to have to decline as the retreat is specifically for me to get some much needed time alone.
I'm sure you understand, see you when we are back at work
Ps If you need assistance then xyz tent/organiser can help you.

Regards Op

Then archive her whatsapp/ texts and don't reply further .

Personally I would just put the blinds down so she can't see in
Annoying but not as annoying as being intruded on.

Tell her you’re glad she’s upgraded her equipment because you’re writing a book and won’t be able to accept guests.

I didn't invite them in. I'd be sitting there reading or eating or lying down and they look in the windows and see me

How rude

If it happens again open the door, say you've having some down time and close it again, or better still tell her in advance that you won't be up for get togethers this year (no need to give a reason, but if you really must keep it vague about "having some issues going on")

Failing that, does the event have more than one area for vans, and if so can you change to a different one?

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing

I think you're mistaken. I think she's a pro cf. I think you're probably quite nice and look for the best in people. She saw you coming.

It's not normal to assume someone will take time out of their holiday to babysit your 7 year old. It's entitled. She already bought a ticket without asking? Why?

I'm sorry but she doesn't care how you're affected by her presence/behaviour. That means that gentle hints or similar won't be effective.

My suggestion is to change site. Tell no one. Say there was a double booking.

What’s more important. Your downtime and enjoyment of time away or her feelings. That’s what it boils down to. You can be straight without being rude but make it clear from the outset

That's such a stressful way of handling things for all concerned. It upsets people far more because when the penny finally drops they feel humiliated and confused. She could have just said she wanted her own space, why did she just keep fobbing me off?

"Last year didn't work for me, to be honest. My festival week is my break from work and that whole world. I enjoy the time completely away from it all, on my own. So I'm afraid I won't be hanging out with anyone, and that also means you can't use my van as your facility.

Anyway, enjoy your time at the festival. I'm sure now you know what you're doing you'll be grand."

Honestly tell her now beforehand. She and her little girl won’t die if she can’t get hot water from you. They are quite resourceful and can tent camp by themselves or leave if its not working.

I had to do this once with a colleague eho was desperate to chat on our shared trips home after our traumatic (health care) days. I was very kind but firm and we ended up good friends who didn’t interact during the trip home. Its fine to be honest but do it outside the “crisis “ of the event.

Spring bank week. I assume it is the Hay Festival which is the last week in May.

@Craquedechevalier I think because you were too accommodating last time your colleague thought it gave her the green light to do this again.

You have already had several great answers on this thread.

I have another suggestion - can you buy the reflective window film that means that people can't see in but you can see out?

Oh, this is a good response. "I'm using the time away from distractions" - perfect.

Get curtains/film for the van windows?

"Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me."

Just a heads up, that's got manipulation written all over it.

Unless you stop it now, you'll be hosting them every year.

So you need to decide what you are going to do.

Have a difficult conversation, change campsites or forget your volunteering and do a different holiday on a different week, because the option you want? - that she'll leave you alone without you having to do or say anything? Not going to happen.

She's working up to having you look after them every year. I'll bet money on it.

This would be your best option.

I'm like you OP, I hate confrontation or awkwardness. Unfortunately I don't think being subtle is going to work with this woman. I think she only chose this holiday as she knew you would be there and is relying on you to be abit of company for her. There's no way out of this without hurting her feelings.