AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

I come from a close family and to me it is too much. You sound a bit demanding which is off putting.

Or, you know. You won't. You might be glad you spent time with the people unrelated to you you did spend time with, and not care the slightest bit that you didn't spend more time with your mother's sister that you never really liked.

It's unreasonable for a parent to expect anything from their children that impacts negatively on their lives.

If you want to invite 15 people over for a take away once a month that’s up to you, your son and his partner, like everyone else invited, can choose whether to come or not. You can’t force people to come to your house for a take away but if people enjoy it and don’t feel pressured into it or like it’s an obligation they might choose to! Surely with 15 people there you weren’t getting much quality time with him anyway?

It sounds very odd that you’re trying to dictate the frequency your son has to see you. Maybe he just wants a bit more flexibility in his life and doesn’t want to have to commit to a set day?

Before kids, DH and I lived an hour from my parents and probably saw them a couple of times a month most months but I was never made to feel I had to. Sometimes they’d pop over to ours for a take away mid-week. Sometimes one of us would hear about a show / film etc. we were all interested in so we’d arrange to go together. Sometimes they’d invite us over for a Sunday roast. Some weekends if the weather was nice I’d call them or they’d call us and see if they wanted to join us to go to the seaside or on a country walk. It was a natural relationship, the way you’d arrange to see friends, rather than something pressured. If we were busy and saw each other less sometimes it wasn’t a big deal.

I think you need to step back and focus on forging a more natural, mutual adult relationship with your son and his partner, rather than one where you feel entitled to his company because you’re his parent and try to dictate when and how he should see you. You’re going to drive him away with this attitude.

He’s in a different phase of his life now. Personally, having a set commitment to see 15 family members regularly would not be appealing for me. Especially with a 2 hour round drive.

If you’d like to see more of him - go visit him more (not with all 15 of the family, that’s madness) or suggest other things that fit in with his life - ask what works well for him. Meet somewhere halfway for breakfast, lunch, coffee - whatever - but ask him.

@lindpat this is what happens when the young uns move away. At first, they make the effort a lot as it's what they were used to. But as they build up their new life, there is less time for the things they used to do in their old hometown. I would see it as a success for your DS for building a new life in a new place. It's just not possible to keep up the commitment to two lives. It would be different if he'd moved round the corner. His girlfriend is probably advocating for him - especially if he feels under pressure and struggles to find the words to tell you why he can't come as much. He isn't trying to hurt you and knows you will take it personally.

Try not to make him commit to anything. Let him just be a bonus guest and leave an open invitation. Call him more and see that time speaking on the phone as time together. And don't ask him every time you speak when you will see him. It ruins every conversation.

Been there and done that from both sides.

I think your son is the outlier if he has lived with at leaast 4 women by the time he is 30 and there may be more but you can't remember them because they weren't important to him or you. Your son may be the poster boy for filial piety but it sounds like women should steer clear of him and you.

Right? Jesus 😳

How many birthdays and events take place. He’s still coming for them which sounds like it will be quite often?

Also, what sort of takeaway is it? I need to know to fill in my mental picture of it 😉

we moved away from my home town due to work. I don’t think once a month is unreasonable at all. We travelled 500 miles round trip monthly to see family and worked full time and it was hard at times but our choice. It was important to maintain those family bonds to me and my partner No pressure from family. Now most of family are gone, I’m so glad I did those journeys as I can never have time with them now. I hope he doesn’t regret his choices in future but he’s an adult and will decide what’s important to him.

I agree with what others have said about the expectation seeming too much, but also just wanted to add that the 15 people thing may be too much too.

We live a few hours from mother in law, and when we visit often extended family are there too. But that makes the visit feel much less quality time with anyone. Her house is too small for us all to be in one room, so we tend to end up sitting for lunch separately to at least half of the family, his mum is busy hosting, his grandparents feel overwhelmed by the noise and struggle to hear so you can’t really chat to them, so we end up feeling like we haven’t spent good time with any of them. We prefer to stay with MIL and then go and visit his grandparents separately as then we get some actually quality time with them, and as for all the cousins, aunts, uncles etc - seeing them a couple of times a year at a bigger ‘do’ feels fine.

But you see him more than once a month when you go to him.

The way you can fix this situation is to realise that your DS is a real person, separate to you, and that your “strong family values” are yours, and yours alone. The more you try to control him, the more he will pull away. He will be bracing himself for your questions and expectations and will be avoiding contact to avoid conflict. Ask me how I know.

I go to see my own DS and his family (an hour and a half away) every 3 weeks or so. They come here a couple of times a year, and DGS stays for a few days a couple of times a year. We text several times a week. It’s good, I’d rather see him more often, but they have their own lives to lead. My wishes do not trump his.

You’re perfectly entitled to miss him and wish for more, but you are not entitled to make demands on him.

Any regular expectation on a grown adult is unreasonable. My mum expects me to visit once a week and it's turned into a chore that I find ways to get out of. I wouldn't impose any similar expectation on my own adult child.

I took 'useful' to mean that her son and his girlfriend not attending the family takeway night with 15 family members is ruining her reputation as the family 'matriarch'. She seems like the sort of parent who boasts about how close (i.e. enmeshed) she and her adult children are. She finds it embarassing when they are not there because I assume everyone asks where they are.

OP says she likes her son's girlfriend but in the same sentence calls her opinionated. That sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

With 15 people there, it's unlikely that OP gets the chance to have a nice chat with her son and his girlfriend. I think it's all about appearances for OP.

I wouldn’t travel 50 mins each way on a Friday night after a long week at work for a takeaway, under any circumstances. So yes, you were expecting far too much. Have you tried to get a monthly-or-so (as opposed to weekly) Sunday lunch / meet at a pub going? Or ask him to suggest a time that works for him?

IME seeing less of adult children when they first fly the nest is pretty normal as they establish their own routines. It often improves once things have settled. As long as you don’t push them away in the meantime. And stop blaming the girlfriend - your son is responsible for his own actions. End of story.

When you grow up in a family with so called ‘strong family values’, whose values are they? They’re set by your parents, or the people who brought you up. It doesn’t mean that once you make your own life, as your son has, that he has to replicate them. Maybe he finds them a bit stifling and a bit inflexible.

He’s moved out, he lives with his girlfriend, he has a busy life, you need to let him find out who he is and what he wants from life in his own way. HE is choosing to put some distance between himself and his family, maybe sit down and ask yourself honestly why that is, instead of blaming his girlfriend. It could just be that this is what him and his girlfriend want, be happy for them and don’t ask him to choose, because I can promise you he won’t choose you.

Oh dear the irony OP.

50 minutes away is a bit of a trek for a regular visit. It’s tough parenting adults as they move out and their world gets bigger (while ours may shrink for a while!)
His most important person now is his gf/partner who he shares a home with. They want to spend time together to build their own family regular events and nights in and out. All perfectly normal and healthy.
Be careful you don’t upset them both with your demands for them/him to stick to your (rather rigid) ‘family values’ OP. You may find you’ll be seeing him a lot less.
Let him live his life.

I think it is a bad idea to be pinned down to specific days for visits, better to be spontaneous. Family takeaway doesn't sound terribly important, a lot of famiies have a takeaway meal once a week, fortnight or whatever but it is hardly an event, Driving nearly an hour each way after work is quite a lot, especially if your work involves commuting.

Just leave it, tell him you'll always be glad to see him but stop trying to make a big deal out of visits being regular.

I'm in my 60's & my mum always invited me to things going on but 'it's ok if you come & also ok if you don't' which is true unconditional love.

Expectations usually result in disappointment.

It's best not to have any to minimise that disappointment which is entirely self- inflicted.

I don't think a takeaway once a month is a big ask, but I can see that for the time being at least, he needs to be planting his feet in his new home and making routines with his gf. Just keep the door open and say "you know where we are if you want to rejoin".

Suggest other things too, but in a more ad hoc way, not planned months ahead. "DH and I are going to [insert nearby town] on Sunday if you want to meet us for a cuppa/lunch? No worries if you already have plans."

Or if you do want to plan something ahead, make it something special "XYZ is on at the theatre next month, would you and gf like to join us and/or grab dinner beforehand?"

Now This just isn’t true at all is it? You’ve blamed her for everything because of your ‘strong family values’.

He’s grown up and having his own life. You can’t ’Peggy Mitchell’ him forever.

How old 8s this child? 12?
You can facetime/whatsapp, etc. It isn't the end of the world. Some people aren't able to see their parents regularly due to distance, commitments, etc.
Of course you are blaming the GF, because the child wouldn't drop visits of his own voilition, would he? Well, yes, this may be his decision. My DH lived 10 mins from hiis DPs; we saw them less than my parents who lived at other end of country. His choice, but guess who got the blame?

Exactly this. Making something into a duty or a regular chore is guaranteed to turn people off. I used to enjoy my long phone chats with a faraway friend until it became clear that she expected to talk at the same time on the same day every week and was annoyed if I wasn't available. I began to resent them and didn't enjoy the chats any more.

They have their own lives, jobs, friends, hobbies. Once your children leave home they can decide how they spend their time. A good relationship with your family is not built on expectation, it’s about mutual respect and realising that they are now independent of you. If you make it a chore they are much less likely to want to see you.

Jesus H christ on a unicycle. If I had to put up with 15 family members every week, especially if I'd been full-on at work, I'd be emigrating.
This may be your 'tradition', but it demands a lot from your family.