AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

I'm sorry your son doesn't want to come to the family visits even once a month lately. I'd be disappointed too. I have one kid who comes by all the time and the other, not as much but he calls every week and we have some long, great phone conversations. I try not to nag because I'd feel even worse if he came over when he didn't want to, didn't like being here and resented being controlled. I feel like it's more important to have a positive relationship. I think they go through different phases, too. Young couples can get a bit self-obsessed and they also tend to be very busy with their own lives. When/if they get more used to living together and/or have kids, don't be surprised if they get closer to you and the rest of the family again. Being the mother of grown kids is hard sometimes. Best wishes.

I see my family regularly but it is through choice. It is not an obligation. Family dynamics constantly change.

Just reading your posts I feel suffocated, OP. For your 'strong family values' and 15 people attending a takeaway night I feel a visceral sense of dread and expectation. And I'm only reading it.

But I was brought up in a family that had a strong matriarch (my grandmother) who placed heavy emphasis on family first, anyone else is an outsider, nothing above the family.

My reaction to that was first to leave and try and forge my own life- and then to leave countries entirely (they are all in Australia and I am in the UK) and to rarely to never return.

He's a grown man with a job and a life that has its own demands.That is part of the natural and healthy ebb and flow of growing up and becoming an adult.

it’s not as useful because when we do the family nights

So, you don't want him to come and see you, you want him to come and see everyone. Maybe if it were just you, he'd get more value from it.

I don’t think it’s too much to expect to see your child who lives less than a hour away 1/2 a month. My dd lives 40min away we see her at least twice a month plus pone calls/texts.

But unfortunately you can’t force it and if you guilt him he will resent you. I’d keep the door open and keep visiting him but don’t make him feel bad for not wanting to come .

See, if this was an "I'm dating this man" topic, many women would be accusing him of being a mummy's boy with these regular visits.

Hi OP,
You need to stop thinking as you and your family as the focus of these Friday nights. Consider your son has been working all week, his choice is to get back in the car to drive an hour and back to his mum’s to see all his family for a take away or to go straight home, straight into his joggers and curl up on his own sofa with his girlfriend for a takeaway of their choice.
There may come a time when the novelty of this wears off. They may end up moving closer to you.
In the meantime, don’t create resentment and discomfort around these family nights. It will make it that much harder and unlikely for him to attend in future. Accept that he’s in a new phase of his life and wish him well.

You are hugely, massively unreasonable!

No, all 15 of you don't have to go there! If he decides to host you, then it's you (and maybe his father and possibly siblings who live with you two, check first!) who he's decided to host, not everyone else. If he wants to host them he'll invite them. You all don't have to go everywhere as a giant posse.

What's all this about he chose the family takeaway night over the Sunday dinner option? See it for what it truly was - he chose the lesser of two evils. He didn't want to go to either.

He's chosen to move 50 mins away. He made that decision as an adult. A 50 min drive after work, plus whatever time he spends at your place, will leave him home late on a Friday and knackered on the Saturday. If he has chores or childcare to do on a weekend (not unreasonable) then he'll feel like he hasn't even had a weekend off at all. For that to happen 25% of the time would really, really suck. I suspect he's moved so far away for good reason, he wants to break this family dynamic of meeting up so frequently and with everyone. He's moved far enough away that he's not going to be having people knocking on his door to pressure him into attending.

His girlfriend who he lives with is his primary family now OP, you and everyone else are secondary. That's how it should be. It's no good blaming the GF for this situation with visiting - he chose her! He's happy with her values, he probably shares them.

Visiting for special occasions is plenty. Especially as it sounds like there will be lots with such s big family, which is why he's made a point of telling you it's only going to be if he really wants to and not to expect it. If several people have birthdays in one month, for example, you can expect him not to be at some of them.

He's literally told you that's how it's going to be. That's not an opportunity for you to negotiate with him for a once a month visit or to try to pressure him into hosting everyone. Accept his decision gracefully, without arguing or sniping at his GF or sulking. He has every right to make his own decisions. You need to let go. Why he's decided to do this is irrelevant. If he's taken his GF opinion into account that's great, it's what he should be doing as her partner. The pair of them have made a decision they are happy with, that's what adult life with a partner should be like.

"We have strong family values" is sounding a lot like "I always get my own way when it comes to family".

You seem to have a bad opinion of his girlfriend. My guess is she picked up on this tension from you and voted not to put herself in that situation.

I think every week is a lot but once a month, is nothing in my opinion.
However, I do also hold values that some of the current difficulties with society lie in how individualistic we are. Family is important. All of this is based on the premise that your family are nice/caring/supportive/non abusive/not overbearing or controlling etc.

I think if he’s only an hour away, once a month for a Friday night/Sunday dinner should surely be okay. I wouldn’t be blaming the girlfriend but yes I’d be sad.

You don’t own your adult children but the view on MN that they ‘owe you nothing’ is pretty extreme in my opinion and not how human life should work.

I can’t imagine why none of those relationships lasted…

You can’t make people do what you want them to do. He’s setting up is life with someone and that’s a good thing. My aunt has always said your children are on loan to you. If you keep moaning at him to come he will just stop.

My mil lives 2 mins down the road. She says they’re a close family. My husband has slowly pulled away because he is always moaned at and told he should be doing things. Now it’s me who says we should see mil. I know she’ll be blaming me for him and the children not seeing her but the joke if it is I’m the only reason we see her at all.

If you’re as close as you think you are he’ll start coming back more often because he’ll miss that time together. But it needs to be an environment where the woman he loves feels accepted and wanted. Maybe go through her and invite her and him.

Sorry op, you are being unreasonable here. Or maybe unrealistic is a better word. As others have said, you are on the way to MIL from hell if you don’t drop this. He is making his own life now and own choices and the more you bang on about it, the less he is going to want to visit. Let it go. Welcome him (and her when she comes) warmly when he comes. Don’t measure his love for you on a timeline of visits, that way madness and unhappiness lies. FWIW I didn’t see my mum, or his come to that, anything like once a month at that age - didn’t mean I didn’t care, just life was busy in other ways.

Oh my goodness I can’t believe this is a thing.
After a long week at work I would have never gone or been expected to drive to my parents for a takeaway!!!

He’ll have been working all week and on Friday night will just want to chill or go out with local friends. You are suffocating him.

If you want to see your son, I suggest you drive to his at the weekend and go out for lunch or something.

The very issue is that he's not your 'child'. He's an autonomous adult who doesn't owe you anything. Enjoy him living his own life instead of being cross that he doesn't want to hang out once a month with you. If he really enjoyed it, he'd be there. Do you honestly want him there even if he doesn't want to be?

All his girlfriend will have done will be to give him confidence that's it's ok for him to not want a monthly commitment that he doesn't love and helped him set boundaries with you.

If I were you, I'd be thinking about what I need to do with my relationship with my son to ensure that boundaries don't even need setting by him in the first place!

Said kindly, you are sounding a bit opinionated yourself on this thread. They are young and having fun, leave them to it. The more you push the more they will retreat. When he settles down and has children of his own he will probably be very happy to do Friday nights with the extended family, but at this age Friday is for pubs and clubs. Don’t push now and do long term damage.

He's an adult man having a relationship with a girl? Sounds well dodgy!

From what I've read on here, the expectations are only one way.

You have kids, do everything you can for them. Expect jo thanks or gratitude, because you chose to have them.

Put them first in most decisions.

Raise them to the best of your ability, though once they're 18, you can choose to stop most things as they're adults now

Have no expectations of being involved in their lives but you should probably give them a fair inheritance when you're gone.

I expect things like these are largely cultural but you can probably, as a family, define what expectations are fair and hopefully you all agree and are on the same page

I can’t believe the number of people saying it’s unreasonable to expect your child to visit you once a month!

What were you hoping for from the thread? It sounds a bit like you thought people might post ideas of ways to emotionally blackmail him into coming?

I can see why you wish he'd come. YANBU to want him to. A 1 hour journey once a month isn't an unusual amount of effort. Strong relationships with extended family can be a huge bonus and it's hardly surprising you miss him. But he doesn't want to. He doesn't have a duty to. He can forge his own path that isn't the same as your path. This isn't something you can "fix", it's up to him.

There's not a lot you can do about it and nothing you should do about it, other than make sure he knows he's welcome to start coming again any time (assuming that's true - you don't have to want to have him come). You might also consider that there are lots of other ways to keep up relationships - a family WhatsApp, encouraging his siblings to do stuff with him, doing things the girlfriend likes more, etc.

To be honest, I think it's possible you've missed your opportunity while he's with this GF. I think a GF being pulled into an extended family get together once a week has the potential to be overwhelming and, even if she's good at showing willing, make her desperate for an opportunity to get away from it (and get him away from it). Even if she didn't come with him, lots of couples consider Friday and Saturday nights to be prime couples time. It sounds like what worked well for your family could have been a burden for someone dating into the family. It may be you really needed to be thinking more about her much earlier in the relationship - forging family relationships with her that wasn't just about expecting her to fit in with all of you, and/or changing your gatherings so that they suited her more. It's difficult to see, when you've been doing the same thing forever, how much people's lives needed to mold around it and how value was created for everyone who came. But someone new is likely to really feel the shock of being an outsider and expected to just fit into a long established routine. If it does nothing to adapt to them and provide real value for them, they might well feel like the only way to deal is to pull right back.

He’s probably going out or just staying at home after a weeks working. Could you suggest that you’ll meet him and gf for a coffee near where he lives every three weeks or so?

We live 7 mins walk from my PILs, DH sees them maybe once every six weeks 🤷‍♀️

Maybe his girlfriend feels that socialising with 15 members of her boyfriend's family every month is just too much. It sounds pretty overwhelming.

You are seeing him at least once a month and that sounds reasonable to me as they live 50 minutes away. You have made a few digs about her not being close to her own family, but your set up with a weekly family takeway for 15 people is not the norm in most families.

It's not about what you think. He's an adult now. You have asked for an opinion and many people think you are being unreasonable. You will push him away.

With their mums? Versus. Bloody hell the enmeshment klaxon is sounding.