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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 05/04/2025 08:01

I still don't understand why you blame the girlfriend. You said its because he always defends her when the issue arises. The fact he has to defend her makes its clear that you're openly blaming her! He wouldn't be defending her if you weren't mentioning her!
You also say he says its too far to drive on a Friday night. I agree with with him. He's probably knackered and wants to chill with his girlfriend.
I do think it's important to soendbtime as a family but I also think you need to lower your expectations. You're definitely pressuring him and pushing him away in the process.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 05/04/2025 08:04

Our children are only on loan to us, before flying the nest.

I understand that you would like more, if he lived closer to you I would agree.

50 minutes each way is not a short drive.

He has kept the tradition for some time.

Be kinder to him, remember how hard life is starting out, if you continue to blame his GF, you'll lose him altogether.

Dearg · 05/04/2025 08:04

Op, your language is such that it suggests you believe your son to be an extension of you rather than a fully formed adult. The ‘we have strong family values’ says a lot.

My MIL used the same phrase to describe her family, and no doubt believed my family was not so cohesive in that regard , however, when the chips were down, and the infirmities that come with age hit, my siblings and I were there for my parents, her adult offspring were scattered to the wind.

Please understand that it’s more important to let your adult son and the woman he loves, carve their own way and hopefully, you will become part of their family in a meaningful way.

BellaVita · 05/04/2025 08:04

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:30

See I was happy doing Sunday dinners but he didn’t want to come at the weekend as a regular thing as he often does things then so that’s why he chose the takeaway night to come to instead

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

I do pop to them as well but it’s not as useful because when we do the family nights, the whole extended family gets together as we are all near here, they’re the ones living further away so all 15 of us would have to go there. I do visit him with just DH though probably at least once a month so that’s why I said I think it’s reasonable

In the kindest possible way OP bloody well back off.

Jeez, let them live their own lives and STOP blaming his girlfriend.

You sound very controlling.

AgnesX · 05/04/2025 08:05

Life gets in the way when family live at a distance especially when you work, have a home to manage and outside interests.

It's the next stage of life for your son and his habits will change, it's only natural. You were being unrealistic to expect once a week to continue. Once a month not so much, your son could make a bit more effort - he doesn't need to stay all day.

Daisychain13 · 05/04/2025 08:07

Yabu.

You are also wrong to blame the girlfriend and that’s a sure fire way to drive them further away.

Life changes, just because you’ve always done something a certain way, it doesn’t work for them anymore. They live further away and they don’t want a long drive to have a takeaway with you all. Perhaps you and some of your family are very annoying to them too (highly likely).

You’ll get on better if you drop the obligation and expectation.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 05/04/2025 08:07

If I was his girlfriend I would not like your family take away tradition or Sunday dinner tradition.

I like to be free and spontaneous and I allow my children to never feel obligated to me.

Mumof2girls2121 · 05/04/2025 08:08

Go visit him
it starts to grate on people when you are the only ones making the effort

MidLifeMayhem · 05/04/2025 08:10

Suffocating is the best word that comes to mind when I read your post. He is an adult, it’s his Friday night, it is a long drive. Part of leaving home is living your own life and you are trying to insist how he spends his time. I am married for many years, my MIL always attached blame for anything she’s not happy with to me not her adult son and that seems to be the way you are heading. Be happy for him.

Kindling1970 · 05/04/2025 08:13

One of my favourite things in Mumsnet is when someone posts a question and then completely ignores the 90% of people saying they are wrong and doubles down. Don’t post the damn question then.

i see my parents about three times a year and to be honest it’s because I just don’t like being around them. My mum never listens to anything I say, talks about herself and her friends telling me long boring stories and if I tell her something I’m sad about she shows no empathy and just talks about how it happened to her once. My parents are very negative judgmental people and it makes me so sad and angry to be around them that I protect myself by only visiting a few times a year.

people saying family values have been lost and their kids owe them time. No. It’s your responsibility to make sure you are someone your kids want to be around.

OP please look at your behaviour. You are ignoring your son’s wishes, dictating the way he should be considering family and being horrible about his partner. Be a mum he wants to spend time with and he might come over more.

herbalteabag · 05/04/2025 08:14

I wouldn't want to have to drive somewhere 50 mins away on a Friday night after work, I'm always really tired and just want to relax. I think you are being too inflexible - times change and your son doesn't want to do this anymore.
My parents also live about 50 mins away - we used to go for the occasional Sunday dinner and that's it, but that was only perhaps once every couple of months.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 08:15

FigsOfFury · 05/04/2025 00:37

Motherhood is the only job in the world where you give your whole self to a person and the end game is for them to leave you.

You’ve done a good job, he’s spreading his wings, and as much as it hurts that’s what’s supposed to happen. Be there with open arms for this period of newly found freedom and it will pay dividends. Place conditions on his relationship with you now and pay the price later.

‘he’s spreading his wings, and as much as it hurts’

I really don’t get this ‘as much as it hurts’ why does it hurt? My eldest son and DIL live 2.5 hours away, we have a very good relationship with both of them, we see each other as often as we can, but they both have high pressure jobs and are currently renovating their house. My DH and I run our own business so we too are busy. I am delighted that he’s happy and living his life the way he chooses, I have never felt hurt that he left home or got married, it’s the natural order of things isn’t it?

I suspect that the OP needs a bit more of a life of her own and then she wouldn’t be so fixated on her son.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 05/04/2025 08:17

AthWat · 05/04/2025 00:03

"The useful comment just means it makes more sense him to come to the Friday takeaway as he gets to see everyone in one visit."

Maybe he doesn't want to see veryone. Maybe he wants to have a life outside what you have decreed is a "close family".

Leave the poor fucker alone to live his life, in which he will include you as much as he wants to.

Show quote history

This.

You would be well advised to stop even talking to them about this and let the chips fall where they may.

DC should be raised to go out into the world. You should want that for him.

Literally stop and drop all expectation because you are walking into a host of issues if you don't @LindPat

mamajong · 05/04/2025 08:18

He has moved out and is building his own life /creating his own traditions which is normal and healthy. He is allowed to make his own choices, if youvget pushy about it you'll end up driving them away. Just chill, let them.knos they're always welcome on an adhoc basis and just let them have their space.

OhHellolittleone · 05/04/2025 08:18

LindPat · 05/04/2025 00:00

The useful comment just means it makes more sense him to come to the Friday takeaway as he gets to see everyone in one visit. The reason we stopped having it at the grandparents house is because they are too elderly to host, but it’s always been a Friday takeaway where all the family come over

it might be too many people for the girlfriend but like I said, she doesn’t even come to it anymore anyway, even when my son was

i am genuinely taking comments on board but of course I didn’t think I was actually in the wrong to start with or I wouldn’t be thinking this way and I admit I was hoping for some more understanding to see how to go about fixing this situation but clearly I am way off on how others think, I genuinely thought many see their child more (as many have said on here it’s actually weekly they see them etc) so I thought my once a month expectation was really very reasonable

It’s a normal right of passage to stop doing family things for a while - lots of people it’s when the go to uni or something. But people come back round, although he won’t if you dont give him space. Just let him be, tell him you missed him (lightly!) and leave it at that! Make sure he’s ’always welcome’

LoveFridaynight · 05/04/2025 08:19

I don't think once a month is too much. Nor do I think 50 minutes there and 50 minutes back is a long drive. I used to do a longer daily commute than that.
I visit my dad (used to be mum and dad) every week and it's about a 2 hour round trip. I have done this pretty much since I left home and I suppose my dad probably does expect it now because I've done it for so long.
Anyway I don't think once a month is a lot. How often do people normally see their adult children? Maybe my family is weird.

Over40Overdating · 05/04/2025 08:19

Sounds like the girlfriend is ‘jumping in’ as you won’t listen to your son’s perfectly valid reasons for not driving 2 hours after work on Friday to have takeaway because mummy demands it.

You don’t have strong family values, you have inflexible expectations and no respect for boundaries set by your adult child.

Keep this nonsense up and in a few years you’ll be on here moaning that you don’t have access to grandchildren because you’ve alienated the parents and are making demands based on ‘family’.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 05/04/2025 08:20

Mumof2girls2121 · 05/04/2025 08:08

Go visit him
it starts to grate on people when you are the only ones making the effort

Only visit if you are invited though.

We can all see where this is heading and it's not a pretty sight.

Instead, smile and say to yourself, "My work here is done."

dottydodah · 05/04/2025 08:22

I think you are expecting a bit much, Every week is too much I think. He is probably tired after a week at work .You are asking for a 2 hour trip every Friday night! Relax you still have many members of your family to see .We have to love them and let them go as my Aunty used to say.

BlondeMummyto1 · 05/04/2025 08:23

They have their own lives now. I can’t imagine being obligated to go somewhere every single Friday night after a long week.

As a parent you have to say no worries.

MellowCritic · 05/04/2025 08:26

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

You see someone who is able to explain their decision as opinionated? Is she not allowed to have an opinion about her own life? Yes the gf may well be the one who has said to your son let's not go every week it's too much but he's obviously agreed, but in truth you don't know this and from your post, your son hasn't said he's not coming over to visit you, it sounds like he said he doesn't want a date set in stone he just wants to come when he can and at special events. More then likely these special events happen every month what with their being 15 of you and what ever holidays you celebrate, added to the dates you go to see them and the odd visit from your son.

Somerford · 05/04/2025 08:27

I get a pretty strong sense that this is about more than just frequency of visits. The demands, the obligations, the simmering resentment of the opinionated girlfriend. Of course she's opinionated, she's an adult trying to live her life with her partner and you're fighting to retain control of them. And that's what I think this is really about, control. You need to let him go and let him be an adult, trying to brow beat him into submission and/or going to war with his girlfriend won't end well for you.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/04/2025 08:27

My family didn't go in for regular big gatherings so I'd find the Ops expectations too much, no doubt the GF felt the same way. Good family values doesn't mean forcing people to be together, it means seeing each other because you want to and taking No for an answer, not as a slight. If they have DC you'll have a much better chance of seeing them regularly if you haven't alienated their DM Op

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 05/04/2025 08:27

I see my parents once or sometimes twice a year and speak on the phone maybe once a week. That's plenty.

I specifically moved to another country, so I can be free of them and their batshit expectations.

Kikisweb · 05/04/2025 08:32

Once a month is still a lot- my MIL now insists on once a term and it just makes it feel like a huge chore to the point that no one including my husband actually wants to go. I wouldn't want to do a 50 minute drive just for a family takeaway after a week of work ! Sunday dinner or even a Saturday takeaway would be better.